Am I living my life for others
or is this a process of learning how to stand still
even if the ground shakes, breaks you,
into thousands of pieces?
Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life.
The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind
to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words.
Let me tell you a story.
I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid.
The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten
and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social.
So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer
or video games and internet. Some of them thinks
I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool
and some of them are really, really lost. aha.
I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler.
Watches the evolution of inventions.
Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age.
But I have trouble with anxiety and socializing because
I thought to myself that I am an ugly, slow and naive person.
As I grew up, things are very hard for me.
For a little kid.
I find it is excruciating & hard to express emotions.
I keep things to myself.
I fear being hit or scolded physically.
The little girl version of me always ask these complex questions.
1.Why do I have repressed emotions?
2.Why Humans are so scary and abusive?
3.Why people are not cool and nice like my Daddy?
4.Why do people behave like they fear God but they still sins anyway?
5.What is really defined as "good" and "bad" in this world?
The fundamentals of what I held onto until today.
As far I searched in the highs and lows,
My questions seems very subjective and complex.
Maybe I was born as a very introverted person
and one day, I shall grow into a person
that I am suppose to be of what I am now.
The answers kept coming to me as I sit down
or lay down alone.
I am always finding ways to express my thoughts
and emotions at the same time.
The constant battle of logic and emotions.At par.
Things to learn when people pushed you down to your knees
is to rely on the higher Divine power or whatever entity
that you believe in are
5. Forgiving others and yourself
No matter who they are to you.
Be it your parents, siblings, families, friends,lovers or stranger.
People will always upset and hurt you, break your spirit
and made mistakes. Intentionally or not.
To forgive others and comfort people,
is the biggest strength and sincerity we can give,
Small deeds. Your intentions.
It grows and sometimes people realized that
we are trying to be kind and patient
to a point of breaking down.
The richness of a soul,
isn't defined by the amount of money in their bank account
or how "successful" they looked to others.
but the unseen deeds and good intentions
towards one another,
The prospective of secrecy and sincerity in doing it.
Just be kind anyways,
It is an act of charity
to cleanse our soul
and spread universal goodness.