Thursday, January 26, 2017

#2: Run into you

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts. 
At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me.
Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression.

In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succeeded the job interview and I do have other backup plans if things didn’t went well too. I’m not being a pessimist. I believe that God can change everything into His way. No matter how bad you think your life is, there’s always a SUPERIOR reason and the biggest reason behind everything is HIS LOVE towards you and humans beings are constantly challenged with problems and hardships as a TEST.
Once, I have an ambition to become a preacher, ustazah and a scholar who studies about the Holy Quran and all of its tafsir and lived happily ever after by doing things I am passionate about. I admit. It is a quite a naïve life goals but I realized Life doesn’t work that way. Took me some extreme roads to discover things are much paradoxical and irony. Such as, if we put God above all the things we do, we will constantly learn how imperfect human beings are and the obvious flaws we tend to overlook in our daily life. You can always read the same page over and over again without ever understanding the real meaning. The most important thing of all, how far along do you realized that good deeds and people will benefit your own soul? 

Don’t get me wrong!. This is my inner secret sanctuary. By means, if I were to be remembered by my friends, peers, family and loved one..I want to be immortalized as the person who is writing to you through the ages we met or known each other. I’m a restless childlike soul who is constantly learning, observing and trying to teach myself about Life as a test, not an achievement to impress others, even my family. If you fear Death, you will feel motivated to be good and change every negativity into positive things. You will seek peace instead of finding faults. You will do anything to be comfortable and soothing to others. You will shelter others in pain or hold a place for them,even though they might leave you empty handed and broken-hearted once they feel better about themselves. You know how it feels to have somebody to comfort you when you are in dire need to have a shoulder to cry on. When you see someone who was in your shoe and if the shoe fits, you gave your best shot to help them. You understand the risk and gave your own heart as their shield and a place for them to stay. You tend to keep them safe and close, through miles and distance apart or you endure everything to make them happy. You let people treat you like a doormat and literally forgive them because Lillahi Ta'alla. You don't hold vengeance because it tires the hell out of you.

I wonder how life would be for me in 5 or 10 year time.
Alive or not. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I took the road of understanding empathy and serve HIM in my own ways. It means, I am always trying to shelter others in need and constantly reminding myself not to give up during the hard times or when literally nobody is there to hold me. True. I am constantly been missing my friends and the great quality time we had spent together just to make each other smile, laugh or be loud together. I never been this lonely and socially deprived from my peers and like-minded people since after high school, university and college. I'm trying to adapt and hold on because one day, I will see these lovable people again. Years, months, or even in death. I'm going to pour out my feelings for you. I miss you. I miss being the person around you. Each of you who has ever gave me a nice comforting hug or a text saying, "Hey, I'm here now. Don't worry".       
I'll never forget the moment where my tears turned into laughter and sincere smile was given.

The feeling of wanting to...
run into you
and latching my soul onto yours.

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