Sunday, April 9, 2017


Internal monologue:
The word trust isn't applicable and plausible,
to measure your sincerity.
Here I am.

Wondering among thousand of humans,
Have they felt so low and in a dark place,
for so long, like the way I feel now.
As cryptic and secretive I may sound like,
We wanted a fair play while a correct measurement
to work as a functional human being.
Are you one of a million whom I will feel safe with?

Sunday, February 5, 2017

#3 Atrocity of humans

I wonder,
Too often,
Am I living my life for others
or is this a process of learning how to stand still
even if the ground shakes, breaks you,
into thousands of pieces?
Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life.
The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind
to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words.

Let me tell you a story.
I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid.
The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten
and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social.
So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer
or video games and internet. Some of them thinks
I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool 
and some of them are really, really lost. aha. 
I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler.
Watches the evolution of inventions.
Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age.
But I have trouble with anxiety and socializing because 
I thought to myself that I am an ugly, slow and naive person.
As I grew up, things are very hard for me.
For a little kid.
I find it is excruciating & hard to express emotions.
I keep things to myself.
I fear being hit or scolded physically.
The little girl version of me always ask these complex questions.

1.Why do I have repressed emotions?
2.Why Humans are so scary and abusive?
3.Why people are not cool and nice like my Daddy?
4.Why do people behave like they fear God but they still sins anyway?
5.What is really defined  as "good" and "bad" in this world? 

The fundamentals of what I held onto until today.
As far I searched in the highs and lows,
My questions seems very subjective and complex.
Maybe I was born as a very introverted person
and one day, I shall grow into a person
that I am suppose to be of what I am now.
The answers kept coming to me as I sit down
or lay down alone.
I am always finding ways to express my thoughts
and emotions at the same time.
The constant battle of logic and emotions.At par. 

Things to learn when people pushed you down to your knees
is to rely on the higher Divine power or whatever entity 
that you believe in are

1. Self-reliance.
2. Courage
3. Confidence
4. Patience
5. Forgiving others and yourself

No matter who they are to you.
Be it your parents, siblings, families, friends,lovers or stranger.
People will always upset and hurt you, break your spirit
and made mistakes. Intentionally or not. 
To forgive others and comfort people, 
is the biggest strength and sincerity we can give,
Small deeds. Your intentions.
It grows and sometimes people realized that 
we are trying to be kind and patient
to a point of breaking down.

The richness of a soul, 
isn't defined by the amount of money in their bank account 
or how "successful" they looked to others. 
but the unseen deeds and good intentions 
towards one another,
The prospective of secrecy and sincerity in doing it.

Just be kind anyways,
It is an act of charity
and integrity
to cleanse our soul
and spread universal goodness.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

#2: Run into you

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts. 
At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me.
Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression.

In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succeeded the job interview and I do have other backup plans if things didn’t went well too. I’m not being a pessimist. I believe that God can change everything into His way. No matter how bad you think your life is, there’s always a SUPERIOR reason and the biggest reason behind everything is HIS LOVE towards you and humans beings are constantly challenged with problems and hardships as a TEST.
Once, I have an ambition to become a preacher, ustazah and a scholar who studies about the Holy Quran and all of its tafsir and lived happily ever after by doing things I am passionate about. I admit. It is a quite a na├»ve life goals but I realized Life doesn’t work that way. Took me some extreme roads to discover things are much paradoxical and irony. Such as, if we put God above all the things we do, we will constantly learn how imperfect human beings are and the obvious flaws we tend to overlook in our daily life. You can always read the same page over and over again without ever understanding the real meaning. The most important thing of all, how far along do you realized that good deeds and people will benefit your own soul? 

Don’t get me wrong!. This is my inner secret sanctuary. By means, if I were to be remembered by my friends, peers, family and loved one..I want to be immortalized as the person who is writing to you through the ages we met or known each other. I’m a restless childlike soul who is constantly learning, observing and trying to teach myself about Life as a test, not an achievement to impress others, even my family. If you fear Death, you will feel motivated to be good and change every negativity into positive things. You will seek peace instead of finding faults. You will do anything to be comfortable and soothing to others. You will shelter others in pain or hold a place for them,even though they might leave you empty handed and broken-hearted once they feel better about themselves. You know how it feels to have somebody to comfort you when you are in dire need to have a shoulder to cry on. When you see someone who was in your shoe and if the shoe fits, you gave your best shot to help them. You understand the risk and gave your own heart as their shield and a place for them to stay. You tend to keep them safe and close, through miles and distance apart or you endure everything to make them happy. You let people treat you like a doormat and literally forgive them because Lillahi Ta'alla. You don't hold vengeance because it tires the hell out of you.

I wonder how life would be for me in 5 or 10 year time.
Alive or not. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I took the road of understanding empathy and serve HIM in my own ways. It means, I am always trying to shelter others in need and constantly reminding myself not to give up during the hard times or when literally nobody is there to hold me. True. I am constantly been missing my friends and the great quality time we had spent together just to make each other smile, laugh or be loud together. I never been this lonely and socially deprived from my peers and like-minded people since after high school, university and college. I'm trying to adapt and hold on because one day, I will see these lovable people again. Years, months, or even in death. I'm going to pour out my feelings for you. I miss you. I miss being the person around you. Each of you who has ever gave me a nice comforting hug or a text saying, "Hey, I'm here now. Don't worry".       
I'll never forget the moment where my tears turned into laughter and sincere smile was given.

The feeling of wanting to...
run into you
and latching my soul onto yours.

Friday, January 6, 2017

A memoir towards 2017!

{*sound of keyboard typing* At 5 am.}

Composing more articles to write and studying on how to pass an editor's test. I think I am more comfortable working on odd hours since my recurring fever subsided and my back stop hurting. Oh,in the meantime, working on a application where I can collaborate and publish my work or ideas to a few websites. I need a proper platform to start on my own personal brand and portfolio of my articles, fiction, poem and Lifehack pro tips and tutorials.
I had plans to start collaborating with my friends on their Youtube channel this year or just help them in setting up anything. I will have to work around to find time and opportunity to brainstorm ideas with them. It could be a vlog, promoting your hobbies or products or broadcasting your hobbies, causes and ideas.
But hey,
let's arrange things bit by bit?
I wrote a book last year but the whole process didn't went well. I lost all of my draft backup copies and due to my health issues. I decided to stop writing because I ran out of ideas and materials to rewrite a draft.. I will start things afresh and find a proper method to recompile my pieces of draft, ideas and research that I collected for my book.
Frankly, 2016 was a very terrible year for me.The last three month I barely survived without crying or feeling trapped into a deep level of depression and gone into a mental breakdown. 2017 seems like many business opportunity coming in and helps me grow to forget about the pain and struggles am I into right now. I have not been responding to many inbox messages, pm's, whatsapp or even wishing you guys a Happy New Year 2017.

I'm watching all of you that have potentials, either cosplayers, creative outlets, business-minded people and those who wish to expand their outlet or just expressing talents.


Tuesday, January 3, 2017