[This post is quite a detailed extension to the last few post in this blog. It literally took away most of my mental energy and time as I composed it. If it sounds too disturbing or mentally upsetting, do please refrain yourself from reading it thoroughly.I bid a million thanks in advance]
Since the last 5 months ago, I have been struggling with Life itself. I thought when end-of-service working with the bank is over, it will release me from agony and misery because I received offer to further my study and work in electronic industry at Melaka for July intake but all my plan & things turned out to be so horribly wrong and went stalling. My worst nightmare has begun at the dawn of Ramadhan month this year. I never knew that I would be relapsing to the state where I started to hallucinate, talked, jerked around and even cried for help in my sleep. I felt like as if part of myself has been ripped out by the thoughts of pain and having low-self-esteem. All the excessive morbid thoughts began to linger and made me believe how incapable of a person I am.
Here are the list of major things that really upsets me in life right now:
- Family drama and rules
- Financial crisis and debts
- Studies and careers
- Mental and health issues
1. Family drama and rules: THE ENDLESS BLAME GAME
I never thought I would be in a situation whereby my family would blame every single hardship and use my past against me. They would keep pestering me about things that will certainly ticks me off and assume me to act neutral about it. Trying as hard as I can to act strong each time I got physically beaten or shouted like a mentally-ill person. I normally evade any personal or physical attack. I hold my breath and try to smile each time this situation rises up,calmly. The moment I woke up every morning, I had to resume my responsibilities and duties take care of the household, cooking, washing and expected not to fail or abandoned anything else after that. Don’t you see how tiring it sounds like to go on like this every day while trying to earn money at the same time? Yet one out of many days or weekend whereby I failed to do so due to my health, the blame game starts. All the cursing, shouting and taunting like a crackhouse on fire. To be brutally honest, I can’t please everybody up to their standards just because I did my best to fit in and help while staying sane & polite most of the goddamn time. Yeah,I did blame myself sometimes but I didn’t want to be bias, there are a certain times when my family wants to incorporate the idea of perfectionism, having high morals & standards and half of the time I wanted to live as an “invisible slave” that wanted to die while performing task or solving issues. They will start to blame me for being rebellious, grouchy and lazy and I will blame them for not being profoundly flexible to changes and evolutions. I’m too tired to go on with arguing and fighting. Hence, I kept quiet to any unpleasant situation and remark. Just had to isolate myself from people and including my friends too, in real life. I had been upset, enraged and just couldn't care anymore about people. I rather be alone than unhappy
2. Highly pressured on financial and debts crisis.
There hasn’t been a lime light out of anywhere that would allow me to bring myself near to a state of tranquility and peace regarding this matter. With all the setback that has been going in my life for the last couple of years. I am still fighting to live and breathe for “all-the-better-tomorrows-In-my life” phase because of debts, no matter how tempted am I to attempt a painless suicide or deeply triggered when I relapsed into a deep depression state. I set my mind into something that I would probably can accomplished. I was eager to work as a gaming journalist/columnist and still resuming my post as a freelance content writer. I tried tracking down all my gaming article and series that I wrote to apply a spot in a gaming site. Unfortunately, all of them are nowhere to be found. The backup and copies are lost in my stolen laptops. The website and blogs that had employed me has been closed down or deleted. It was a very disheartening and demotivating as I am struggling to find more writing jobs these few week. I needed more financial support due to where I am in life right now. Debts rounding to almost 40K MYR with the constant fear of being blacklisted by banks and Immigration department. I haven’t touch about the daily expenses incur and bills yet. I really wanted to further my studies or intern somewhere far from Malaysia when the time comes. Sadly, with all the debts being held on my own name now, It consisted of my previous study loans and with all my father’s inheritance was lost when I handed over some fairly large amount of money to my mother because I didn’t expect things to go ironically wrong or sunk into a state of despair like this moment. She said the money was lost due to her own greed to invest and trust her partner blindly. She kept telling how stressful life without having enough money and how it is essential not to fuck up with amount of money especially when it comes to business/investments. It’s cancerous to the point where I cannot bring the idea of taking her out to watch movies together or talk about entertainment.
3. Next move on pursuing studies and career stability.
If I didn’t had a certain high amount of fear, respect and morality, I would just engulf myself to be consumed by the idea of instant arranged/blind marriage or long term partnership to a wealthy men or anyone that has sufficient money to sponsor me anything through this financially-stress moment, especially revolving the idea of a “low life lady” such as having a sugar daddy or being a mistress to a high profile man and sometimes committing high profile crime itself because these ridiculous ideas were playing in my head like a song on repeat. I kept asking myself, “Is this all worth it? Ruining my own integrity and put a low value on myself like a first class doormat?” Well, the answer lies back to what I believe in life. I fairly agreed to have a hard earned money instead of choosing to sell my body and soul for temporary possession and worldly material. I do not want to surrender myself for power, wealth and status in this Duniya and suffer in my Afterlife. No matter how far I have sinned or corrupt my soul, I will always bow down, kneel before and fear God. I solemnly this Life is meant to be a challenge, if you wanted to be part of the paradise people or the highest heaven “Jannatul Firdaus” in the next Afterlife.
4. The painful struggles on mental and health Issues.
As stated in the older post, I had been struggling and tempted doing suicide attempts (hoping it would be as painless as possible and with 100% rate of success) and prone to self-harm/injuries .I even let people to beat me up or made me feel like a worthless pile of garbage, just to see how far people would torment me. As far as I know, some people are born way too sadistic or just enjoy bullying. They fed on fear and crushing down a person by brainwashing others that they are not good enough. Once people know how deeply wounded I am inside, the sooner they took measurement to test my wits and rationality for their own benefits. There are days I had a very good appetite to eat, but most of my days are barely eating or completely throw away the food I’ve seen. I am suffering from chronic gastric attack and it goes on and off in cycles. My time eating schedule was fucked. Same goes to my sleeping pattern because of terror panic attacks at late nights as I struggle to convince myself that the hallucinations aren’t real. They are just messing around in my head and made me feel suicidal. It happened every night, even if I’m on meds. On extreme cases, I even myself mentally stress at a mamak café and went rough running to toilet to vomit and calm myself. Year by year, month by month, my struggle on these attack seems to come and go in a very ferocious cycle. I beg my life to end quickly because I feel lesser of Life as depression seems to sink in even deeper. I was crying to no ends. It got worse every time I think of my dad’s passing and no one was there to comfort me like he did. I was in grievous stage and it prolonged as mental state. I also blamed myself for no longer been capable to have a long term relationship with anyone after being together with my depressive ex for 3 years. I did find a lot of comfort and trust in him. I had loved him beyond my limits and decided to call it a quit. I had to leave because he wouldn’t grow into a fully-functioning person as long as I’m still around as his doll/toy/slave etc. I wouldn’t want my children to see me getting beaten up by their father if I get married to him. Due to being exposed many toxic and abusive people in my life, I become someone who is scared to trust or talk about my mental issues, the recurring flashbacks and relapsing into my illness.
"Yes, my dear people. I'm still struggling and surviving my best in day to day basis. Wondering if this phase would somehow end soon because I feel alone,abandoned and forgotten? Or will I just take my own life instead despite it is ethically wrong because I feel that my positive outlook in life is leaving me? Till then. ciao. I love you all".