Thursday, October 6, 2016

Theism part 1

[As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.Hopefully I can further my studies by next year despite a major setback in Life this year. Oh! If you ask me whether do I want to further my study to the highest level or not, I'd say "Yes". Perhaps to be called as Professor Dr. Madya Nuur Munira Jasmin Binti Jamil one day USED to be one of my biggest life dreams.]

Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it because in the end of the day, no matter how rich, intelligent, well-respected or famous you are, the size of your grave will always the same as others.So be humble. You can only take 3 things into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being.It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button. 

I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams.
There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family.
They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want in life.
A failure.
A demented whore with mental illness.
A slut
A directionless bitch.
A fucked up person with low self esteem.

Those are the words I heard. Endlessly.I suffered in silence all these years,

All along after my dad's passing, my life has been a complete rock mountain to climb on and yet people said that I am such a pussy for living in depression every now and then. The stormy days and tears that I cried whenever I got hit and abused was countless. Yet.I still hold on to this Life because I had faith even if it's almost completely tarnished or used up. Optimism needs to be filled like a tank of water.I struggle to fill in mine everyday. I am a fighter. Perhaps a survivor too.I will take my own pace and time,no matter how time I failed. I disagree on living my life up the standards of others 

I told God, "If you really want to set my life difficulty level to mild hardcore, please give me the 0.03%  amount of being genuinely happy like during YOU lend my dad to me. The last 19 years of my life I was a happy person before You called him back HOME to you.So,I figured it out. You MUST had created a bigger and higher purpose for me. Let me be the person I supposed to be and create warmth to those around me. I rather be go Home after I did my best to serve You and make a difference in this temporary world. I need strength like how you had bestowed upon to Your Messenger. If they can endure this life till their last breath, so can I. ."

Sometimes, I think  God  is being Sadistic to the person that He wants.

Forgive me for stating my opinions.It does sound very offensive. I know.

It's just God wants you to ask for His help when you're really down in life because He misses your Prayers and have an honest confession with Him. An Intimate sincere moment with Him,to Him and Only Him.

at the same time...

You needed to be granted with Patience. You can only ask it from Him.
Just let being left astray if you're done believing in Him. .

If people confessed to me that they are a self proclaimed "Atheist", "Freethinkeror a "humanist", I have no problem with it at all. I'm not someone who forced people to believe in what I believe or do as I said. We have to accept people for who they are inside, not from the appearance or material they posses. To me, we set our minds to our own beliefs. Religion is a very personal matter and always have its own core to educate or brainwash human by in providing virtues, ethics and guides to be a better person. I'll be cool too if people said there's no God or whatever they want to believe because, (believe me) choosing to believe in existence of Hell & Heaven and higher dimension is completely independent and a free will decision.We cannot simply condemn others for their difference and wrong-doing because people grow out of pain and learn from mistakes. A good religion never discriminates others who has lesser knowledge or who is lacking in rationality and doubts. Truth be told,we cannot propagate others to our own personal path and spiritual state. A sincere heart will influence people to do good and be good but it is always up to the effort of an individual himself/herself.

"Positivism is something that needs to be channeled,in a non-tangible way".

People need to know about the real deal of having negativity vibes is due to their inability to see light at the end of the tunnel. They needed support and group of people encouraging their good vibes instead of being wrongly misjudge and partook in the process of judging how an individual is living their life. The world is indeed filled with people with bad and corrupt behavior. People who thinks depression will only happen to weak people. People who thinks that their life is so great compare to others.People who thinks their worldly achievement will grant eternal happiness 

Yes.We are surrounded by these hybrids of evil and self-delusional soul .

"Toxic humans pretended to look like a Saint, talks like a Prophet and dispose others like God"- original quote from me..

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Wishful thinking part 2

Honestly people.

[This post is quite a detailed extension to the last few post in this blog. It literally took away most of my mental energy and time as I composed it. If it sounds too disturbing or mentally upsetting, do please refrain yourself from reading it thoroughly.I bid a million thanks in advance]

Since the last 5 months ago, I have been struggling with Life itself. I thought when end-of-service working with the bank is over, it will release me from agony and misery because I received offer to further my study and work in electronic industry at Melaka for July intake but all my plan & things turned out to be so horribly wrong and went stalling. My worst nightmare has begun at the dawn of Ramadhan month this year. I never knew that I would be relapsing to the state where I started to hallucinate, talked, jerked around and even cried for help in my sleep. I felt like as if part of myself has been ripped out by the thoughts of pain and having low-self-esteem. All the excessive morbid thoughts began to linger and made me believe how incapable of a person I am.

Here are the list of major things that really upsets me in life right now:
  •         Family drama and rules
  •         Financial crisis and debts
  •         Studies and careers
  •         Mental and health issues

1. Family drama and rules: THE ENDLESS BLAME GAME

I never thought I would be in a situation whereby my family would blame every single hardship and use my past against me. They would keep pestering me about things that will certainly ticks me off and assume me to act neutral about it. Trying as hard as I can to act strong each time I got physically beaten or shouted like a mentally-ill person. I normally evade any personal or physical attack. I hold my breath and try to smile each time this situation rises up,calmly.  The moment I woke up every morning, I had to resume my responsibilities and duties take care of the household, cooking, washing and expected not to fail or abandoned anything else after that. Don’t you see how tiring it sounds like to go on like this every day while trying to earn money at the same time? Yet one out of many days or weekend whereby I failed to do so due to my health, the blame game starts. All the cursing, shouting and taunting like a crackhouse on fire. To be brutally honest, I can’t please everybody up to their standards just because I did my best to fit in and help while staying sane & polite most of the goddamn time. Yeah,I did blame myself sometimes but I didn’t want to be bias, there are a certain times when my family wants to incorporate the idea of perfectionism, having high morals & standards and half of the time I wanted to live as an invisible slave” that wanted to die while performing task or solving issues.  They will start to blame me for being rebellious, grouchy and lazy and I will blame them for not being profoundly flexible to changes and evolutions. I’m too tired to go on with arguing and fighting. Hence, I kept quiet to any unpleasant situation and remark. Just had to isolate myself from people and including my friends too, in real life. I had been upset, enraged and just couldn't care anymore about people. I rather be alone than unhappy

2. Highly pressured on financial and debts crisis.

There hasn’t been a lime light out of anywhere that would allow me to bring myself near to a state of tranquility and peace regarding this matter. With all the setback that has been going in my life for the last couple of years. I am still fighting to live and breathe for “all-the-better-tomorrows-In-my life” phase because of debts, no matter how tempted am I to attempt a painless suicide or deeply triggered when I relapsed into a deep depression state. I set my mind into something that I would probably can accomplished. I was eager to work as a gaming journalist/columnist and still resuming my post as a freelance content writer. I tried tracking down all my gaming article and series that I wrote to apply a spot in a gaming site. Unfortunately, all of them are nowhere to be found. The backup and copies are lost in my stolen laptops. The website and blogs that had employed me has been closed down or deleted.  It was a very disheartening and demotivating as I am struggling to find more writing jobs these few week. I needed more financial support due to where I am in life right now. Debts rounding to almost 40K MYR with the constant fear of being blacklisted by banks and Immigration department. I haven’t touch about the daily expenses incur and bills yet.  I really wanted to further my studies or intern somewhere far from Malaysia when the time comes. Sadly, with all the debts being held on my own name now, It consisted of my previous study loans and with all my father’s inheritance was lost when I handed over some fairly large amount of money to my mother because I didn’t expect things to go ironically wrong or sunk into a state of despair like this moment.  She said the money was lost due to her own greed to invest and trust her partner blindly. She kept telling how stressful life without having enough money and how it is essential not to fuck up with amount of money especially when it comes to business/investments. It’s cancerous to the point where I cannot bring the idea of taking her out to watch movies together or talk about entertainment.

3. Next move on pursuing studies and career stability.

If I didn’t had a certain high amount of fear, respect and morality, I would just engulf myself to be consumed by the idea of instant arranged/blind marriage or long term partnership to a wealthy men or anyone that has sufficient money to sponsor me anything through this financially-stress moment, especially revolving the idea of a “low life lady” such as having a sugar daddy or being a mistress to a high profile man and sometimes committing high profile crime itself because these ridiculous ideas were playing in my head like a song on repeat. I kept asking myself, “Is this all worth it? Ruining my own integrity and put a low value on myself like a first class doormat?” Well, the answer lies back to what I believe in life. I fairly agreed to have a hard earned money instead of choosing to sell my body and soul for temporary possession and worldly material. I do not want to surrender myself for power, wealth and status in this Duniya and suffer in my Afterlife. No matter how far I have sinned or corrupt my soul, I will always bow down, kneel before and fear God. I solemnly this Life is meant to be a challenge, if you wanted to be part of the paradise people or the highest heaven “Jannatul Firdaus” in the next Afterlife.

4. The painful struggles on mental and health Issues.

As stated in the older post, I had been struggling and tempted doing suicide attempts (hoping it would be as painless as possible and with 100% rate of success) and prone to self-harm/injuries .I even let people to beat me up or made me feel like a worthless pile of garbage, just to see how far people would torment me. As far as I know, some people are born way too sadistic or just enjoy bullying. They fed on fear and crushing down a person by brainwashing others that they are not good enough. Once people know how deeply wounded I am inside, the sooner they took measurement to test my wits and rationality for their own benefits. There are days I had a very good appetite to eat, but most of my days are barely eating or completely throw away the food I’ve seen. I am suffering from chronic gastric attack and it goes on and off in cycles. My time eating schedule was fucked. Same goes to my sleeping pattern because of terror panic attacks at late nights as I struggle to convince myself that the hallucinations aren’t real. They are just messing around in my head and made me feel suicidal. It happened every night, even if I’m on meds.  On extreme cases, I even myself mentally stress at a mamak cafĂ© and went rough running to toilet to vomit and calm myself. Year by year, month by month, my struggle on these attack seems to come and go in a very ferocious cycle. I beg my life to end quickly because I feel lesser of Life as depression seems to sink in even deeper. I was crying to no ends. It got worse every time I think of my dad’s passing and no one was there to comfort me like he did. I was in grievous stage and it prolonged as mental state. I also blamed myself for no longer been capable to have a long term relationship with anyone after being together with my depressive ex for 3 years. I did find a lot of comfort and trust in him. I had loved him beyond my limits and decided to call it a quit. I had to leave because he wouldn’t grow into a fully-functioning person as long as I’m still around as his doll/toy/slave etc. I wouldn’t want my children to see me getting beaten up by their father if I get married to him. Due to being exposed many toxic and abusive people in my life, I become someone who is scared to trust or talk about my mental issues, the recurring flashbacks and relapsing into my illness.

"Yes, my dear people. I'm still struggling and surviving my best  in day to day basis. Wondering if this phase would somehow end soon because I feel alone,abandoned and forgotten? Or will I just take my own life instead despite it is ethically wrong because I feel that my positive outlook in life is leaving me? Till then. ciao. I love you all". 


Saturday, October 1, 2016

Wishful thinking part 1

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ]

My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “non-academic side-journey” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carried back home a trophy and a big smile because I was proud of my own work and recognized for it. I spend my early days writing, volunteering, joining workshops and connecting with people for ideas and how-to’s. I think that I was among the cool yet nerdy kid who has the privilege to have a space and platform to express myself. I had no problem in studying but I had to admit, I hate studying certain subjects and have to maintain my scores. My parents wanted me to concentrate more on academic stuff and have a clear sense of direction in Life. I told them, I wanted to be a musician, writer, scientist or programmer someday. Back in the my golden days, I was very enthusiastic when people ask me what are my passions/ambitions/interest in Life. I would talk to them all day and night about it. That was how deeply inspired person I was once upon a time ago. pfft.

Where did all the time go? huh.

Since I loss a parchment of myself due to depression, low self-esteem and nervous disorder all these years, I did find myself emotional and mentally unavailable all my interest into a period of time where it's almost cease to exist.I constantly need to be remind and to find strength and will to go with life as my old cheerful and optimist personality.I struggle to have my optimism and positive vibe again within me during the last these few years after my dad's sudden passing.  
As poetic I may sound like, I have been meaning to say that;
Sometimes things life such as faith and inspiration has to be renewed and filled with new experience and exposure from time to time. It’s like a bottle that needs to be filled with water when it’s all used up as roots needs water and nutrients for growth.
In my opinion,If you really compared yourself to a strong and well respected person in the society, they are just the same like you but they’ve been struggling in their own personal route too. I have to tell myself that it is okay to waste TIME trying to chase the dreams I had, even if it’s for a short term or in a limited time frame. It’s not how the progress that people should acknowledged, it’s the process along the way that counts. I actually cared about the process of starting into a journey and calculated the rate of success. I know, I am a natural overthinker and I analyzed the level challenges, setbacks of a particular route or decision before diving into it.In depth of my own spirituality, I wish God to ease the challenges in this Dunya and help me pass each obstacle, pinnacle and test before my time on Earth is UP . I wish to be reunited once again with all my beloved, especially my father in the akhirah.The man who teaches a lot about life and gave me so much comfort for the last 19 years of my life. He was one of the biggest inspiration that I had in this entire lifetime which I don't know how long or short. I believe in myself that I was born to make changes and inspire others in my own ways too. I longed for peace and solitude, and mostly, peace and solitude happens to be achievable during Death.   

Although I’m not a fan of long term plans but here’s a few wishful plans for my life.                            Some choices that I’ve been thinking in order:

1) Marriage

Too bored of the hook-up, arguing, break-ups, and dating again repetition process honestly.
I’m considering marriage proposal if there’s a guy who came to me with a sincere intention/effort or proper channel to get to know me me well. If I were to get married by this age (now I’m 24 which is very unlikely.duh.), I wanted someone who is far much more independent and dynamic as myself because I could not stick to the mindset & traditions of “Malays” (although I'm not fully Malay) that women should stay at home and not be working or studying anymore after getting married. I would also want a simple reception and a cheap dowry for my wedding. I don't want to make the process of getting married to me be such a troublesome,frustrating and challenging process for my husband's side. It's enough for me to have have a simple akad nikah at the mosque with family,relatives and friends.No need to be extravagant and lavish wedding. Malays are weird, they condemn the thinking of modern and evolution women for being too liberal and going against orthodox beliefs and mentality. As far as I had been thinking about my future spouse, he has to be mentally strong enough for us to build the future and empire together for our future children. My future spouse is someone who will give me full support, understanding and comfort in times of my distress and irrationality. I will pledge my full obedience as a devoted wife to cater all his needs and wants which is including; doing cooking. laundry, household or anything that he wanted to be served of. Responsibilities as a wife will always be my top priority and treat him with full respect,care and love. This may sound corny and cheesy AF, but I’d say yes to anyone who proposed and said,I’m ready to make you as my wife and lead you to be a better person. We will strive for Jannah together and set good examples for our future sons and daughters if we are blessed to have any within our lifetime” 

Okay Moon.It’s time to stop! That’s enough for showing a romantic and sweet side of me. (Yes,for a zillion times thinking about marriage. It’s affirmative to tell that I’m ready to settle down as soon as I have my own stability in career & study field and have a good man who is willing to take care of me till my last breath or the opposite way, I don’t expect marriage to just pop up from thin air or a corny pickup line from a delusional sexually frustrated man that just want sex or wanted to know my bust size despite claiming to be "alim"or "menundukkan pandangan". Believe me.I met so many hupocrites who used religion to court me into a long term and serious relationship) 
 I'm a 38 C  cup btw, 

Ain't that size is lit enough to rock a guy in bed? aha, I'm very sure of that, but sadly guys I'm not desperate to get laid

2) Of Career choices & education pursue

I’ve set to get married by the age of 25 or 26, and career is one of the second most important aspect of my life goals. I am willing to re allocate myself and move somewhere far from Kuching or KL, if it involves in choosing my ideal job and career. I considered working in an IT firm or being a writer full time (but other jobs is also considerable) while finishing my degree/masters/PHD as I do not want to burden my future husband. I’ll make sure to make him and our children to be proud of my achievement. This is my promise to them, if I'm allowed to live long and normally as other human being on this Earth. (Don't worry,  future hubby. I'll make sure our kids to feel proud of their mom.)