Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Ideas of symphony.



[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ]



How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues?

By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample to my friends and they were saying, “Moon. This book is so fucked up. It’s so heavy and poetic. My mind feels like being raped” and “You’re a fantastic writer. It’s not my type of genre, sadly”.Sigh I get a lot of critic and sappy remarks, I guess. Maybe this book isn’t meant for normal and lazy thinkers. I had to leave this book writing project for a while or rewriting it in a simpler, lighter and easy to comprehend version. 

Anyways...

There are websites and blog company that wanted to hire me as their fulltime writer and columnist. I could only work on late nights and certain days. So,I wasn’t be able to give them a full-time commitment because I had others responsibilities to attend to and I’m restricted to always be on the go. I’m a person who loves working with and around people but also prefer working independently at the same time. In simpler words, I have to stay balanced and strive for productivity and efficiency to “work smart, but play harder”. Yeah. I don't really support the idea of being a workaholic myself.   I’m not somehow who works really hard unless it intrigues me or requires the decree of originality & creativity more than the rest. I lay my head and body to rest if I’m tired and rush for the dateline. I work at my best when it’s near to the end or when I feel my creativity is kicking in.  Writing and composing needs time and consume a lot of mental energy,agree? (Admit it people, if you’re doing your assignment and office paper work, you’ll start to be all dizzy and lazy or needing find "motivation")

In conjugation of my vloging and reviving this blogging space which I started again very recently, I think the idea of trying my best to distract myself is absolutely filled with risk and low expectations because I do not want to go all out to expose my personal life to gain fame and publicity. I will keep it low and hidden from the rest .It's okay for me to go big in my music projects, webshows, sketches,arts, poetry and careers but NEVER GO LOUD if it involves my personal space or memoriam of myself to my friends and people who really had knew me up close and personal. The purpose for me to go on with writing piece of  digital memory about my life is to be immortalized on the net and preserved as the person I wanted to be. It's somehow creepy and sad but I wanted to be known or be found somewhere & somehow after I'm gone. To be honest, I wanted to be remembered eternally as a person that loves to express their thoughts and soul in writing, to help relate myself with others or open their minds as if I'm going to live forever.

Highlights of the past.

Last April before my last work trip with the bank to Sibu-Mukah-Daro-Semop. I was invited to my first Social Entrepreneurship event at BCCK (Borneo Convention Center Kuching) called SEHATI 2016. It was initiated by MaGic Shd Bhd. The first company of its kind and give a head on start ups to local entrepreneurs and exposure about SE to fellow Malaysian. They had been organizing successful bootcamps and programmed nationwide. It was a very well organized and received event indeed.Most of the attendees are university and college students, NGO's and young entrepreneurs. I had great time meeting people there even though I was alone. There are people with special needs who came there as guest of the talk show. Not so surprisingly, many of them came to hug me and smile. Some of them are very warm and innocent, I had the chance to talk greet and met the CEO of the company. The crew and excos there were nice and professional too.I did grab the opportunity a lot of question about the future of SE and support programme/apprenticeship. It was a very inspiring event for me for sure.

 Some memories of the SEHATI 2016:

The paper folder which contain booklets and pamphlets of their itinerary 

The stage set up. I was sitting nearby the speakers and CEO's.

Random students taking selfie with me at the stage. 
During the selfie with strangers challenge.

With one of the special needs children. 
Living with autism and down syndrome. He was trained to
do crafts and arts. Gave me a sudden hug before I left the stage.


The founder and CEO of MaGIC Shd Bhd, Ehon Chan. 
Very young and aspiring. He told me to keep on doing the things
I had passion on and give social impact. 


The emcee of the SEHATI 2016. Very fun and entertaining guy on stage
Also the exco and crew for MagIC SE programme.
We share the same kind of smile! 



It's really great to know that there are group of passionate people trying to make a difference and solve social issues by creating impact to the society while generating income. I'd support any kind of event and bootcamps that allows local businesses and young entrepreneur for this noble cause. Hoping for more Malaysians to have the courage and expose themselves in making a difference to the society. This kind of thing makes the world a better place to live and create individual filled with kindness and generosity.


Till then, "Whatever happens, happens"  ciao. I love you all.







The assasination of fear



[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?]


Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time?



The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other.
It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or work purposes  
It's not that I haven't tried to be as normal as possible and act coherently to society wills but I haven't seen the way out of this ailment and fears.It's been a full 5 month of exhausting cycle of terrible nightmares and losing the will to live as a happy human being. The stigmas and dogmas of people around me is depression are induced by the "Devil" himself and can easily go away.I think the statement was a bit of exaggeration and metaphorically invalid. It takes time and courage to heal oneself from depression and feeling abandoned all the time. In other cases like mine,if you're suffering mental and nervous disorder ever since your childhood, it would just evolve from a smaller wave into a bigger ones through childhood and adulthood. I'm completely aware of my circumstances and barricades which enables me reach out to as many people who can relate with similar dispositions and major setbacks especially my friends and people who came to me. The problem is sometimes I couldn't predict where and when my thoughts get too clogged up as I become too scared of living & telling people that I'm not doing well and I need support.

My explanations are


Here it is, the brutal truth: My fears are my sickness which are caused by battling long time depression and nervous breakdown disorder that seems to come and go in fierce cycles.Then later on, in 2013 I was diagnosed with hypertension,chronic gastric and kidney problems because of the lifestyle I've been living for almost 5 years. Likewise, I have mentioned in my older post, I have no appetite or feeling like wanting to eat at all for weeks and days (even though I'm hungry as hell). There are times I could stay healthy and try to eat well but it's also exhausting because I'm tired of being in pain. It's a long struggle and road to where I am now. I tried to reach out to as many of my good friends and people who has been in similar charade with me, but end up also feeling it doesn't really ease my pain much. They told me to take it easy and chill with life. Don't go too serious nor be strict about it. Keep on fighting and praying.Keep on smiling. Keep on making people comfortable around me.

BUT..

Nowadays,day-to-day basis seems to be a horrible timeline for me.

I was being restricted when my feet and body aches.There are times I couldn't get out the bed or walk. Struggling to breath and passed out or have to rush to the nearest chair/bed/sofa. There are bruises and swelling all over my body sometimes. Sudden fever and allergy symptoms. All the vomiting and bleeding. Trying to calm myself down and telling myself that it's going to be alright. Praying that things will end up well. It is very self consuming and it takes a lot for me to go on each and every day, with these restriction. Whenever I saw people posting delicious meals and interesting places to go, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to be well or to live long enough to be able going to these places because there are 50-50 chance, I will lose my faith in this struggle or just give up everything. All I wish, if I were to die sooner or later, I want to thank those who has been a part of my life and tell them that I had loved them with all my heart and soul. 


Here's a normal conversation that usually happened:

<*Whenever my family and friends discuss about living.*>

I will act like a complete asshole or pussy
I will reply, "okay" if they asked me or tell me anything
If they asked me, "Do you have plans?"
I will reply," Sort of. Maybe, depends"
If they asked me, "What's wrong?"
I will reply, "I have little faith for long term things"
If they asked me, "Are you sick? Unhappy? You seemed happy"
I will reply, "How am I suppose to react to your question?"

That's how detrimental my conditions are. My taboos are about living. I rather not think about
anything based on long term commitment. You see, I see life as a commitment and people 
expected me to live well and normally. The problem is I want to live in the moment and try 
to stay cool and rational all the time. The highs and lows of emotions are distracting and 
side-tracking due to mental and physical setbacks. Despite I'm a highly functioning individual
who has the ability to change the world and making difference around me thru my works and arts,
I solemnly believe that one day, if I should go early and vanished. I want to make a difference.


"I beg this life to go easy on me.I beg the pain to be lesser.I beg to still have even the smallest hope to experience joy.I beg to be myself more.I beg to have a day saying to myself, "I had lived for this moment"


I hope I still be around.Sorry if this post has been disturbing to some. I love you all.





Monday, September 26, 2016

Of Flashbacks and setbacks



[I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ]

What did actually happened  from May- September 2016?

I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech news and humor. The truth is I don’t want to be labelled as insane and unwell/troubled or traumatized. So, whatever it takes to make myself look normal, I will plunged myself acting into it, until the pressure became a turmoil and create a catastrophe to myself. I knew that I screwed myself for being such a passive-aggressive person in times of distress.

I was feeling tired and have no appetite to eat all the time in these few months. Unmotivated and have little interest of whatsoever people around me intent to do with their lives.  These fluctuation of mood swings and terrible sudden nervous breakdown made every second and every day of my life feel like I should leap to death from the twentieth floor and hoping to be pronounced “Dead on Arrival” and my body to be taken fresh to be bathed. No needing for autopsy.Someone has to report my death for documentation purposes. Get ready some kain kafan and dig the grave plot for burial. That is how far my suicidal thoughts develops. I admit, I made friends with a lot depressed and toxic humans around me. Plus, I was in love with a mad person who indulge himself in gore and graphic explicit inhuman materials for three years and I developed the same interest with him which was watching blood, killing and sadistic materials on the dark net. Why? I simply wanted to understand his psychopath nature and I regret it because it turned me into a mini psychopath too, as I got addicted to the materials which we watched together. (yea, I agreed the fact that I was strangely drawn to anything bad and psychotic that he did as I was very young and gullible at the time I dated him) He introduced me to everything morbid and asked me to abandon religion because he said “religion and God is overrated”. So, the love story that I had with him isn’t what like normal couple does. Believe me. Being abused and crying becomes normal and he would apologized and then talked nicely, hugging and kissing me like he will change his behaviors. He knew he has made me into his puppet and a camouflage because I kept coming back to him. I’m still haunted by the past things and somehow whatever happens in the year 2010-2013 is recurring back as memories and sudden flashbacks.

I was also in a state full of confusion and anxiety. Every time my old flame and admirers expressed how they wanted me to accept them as a future soulmate and be in relationship. I fear my past is still lurking and worst thing could happened is my own death and I will lose them forever. I was struggling with panic attacks and suicide attempts these few months. I told them, I wasn’t ready and I did push most of my best friends and old love interest away. In fact, I had to because I do not want them to worry as my mental and physical health deteriorate. I love them so much that I had to leave them and act like a complete asshole. I prayed that things will work out for them because I don’t want to live as a burden and drag them into a hole of despair. No matter what they did and said to me, I felt that they deserve someone better and have someone at their own same level. It is not fair for them to be with someone like me. I felt my whole world is crushed when I decided to ignore and cut off communication with them for their own sake. I wanted them to be happy and not get affected with my conditions and illness.

There times when I needed ideas and inspiration to write and draft my work goes stalling.I can’t recount how many times I procrastinated and went into a state where I was unable to concentrate and relapse into crying and finding myself in a terrible bad mood. It’s where the voices and hallucinations or “things” come into my mind and inflicted me with nightmares and extreme paranoia. It took over me whenever I started crying and I blanked out. I don’t remember what I did and when I snapped back to reality. I was writing absurd things or reaction almost like a “happy-drunk-aggressive-lady”. I feel like there’s something else taking over me. People may say it’s just a reverse personality disorder, but reality is we know what it is. A state of induced psychosis and could result in self-harm & injury if left untreated. In spiritual term, it is called possessed. I don’t want to go further into that because well, the eerie and creepy feeling of being “somebody who is non-existential” sometimes freaks me out.  The battle to not let them in is real and on going. The feeling of things following and seeing them is real. It’s just how far do I have to go to get rid of these “induced pyschosis” leaves me puzzled. Am I too lonely till it gets into me? Or am I too relying on God to save my poor soul? I often questioned that. Up until this moment.

Okay back to the title. The flashbacks!

Especially with my ex. It bugs me.The last few years, I couldn’t even remember what we did together and the so called “happy time” moment because the ratio of unpleasant things he did and forced me into is higher than all the “lovey dovey” things which are normal in a dating relationship. The night when my dad passed away begins to fade but as I entered the hospital again. Everything came to my mind just like yesterday. The sound of my mom screaming my name when she received emergency news about my grandma made me traumatized too. The death threats that I received. The night where I was literally almost being kidnapped and taken hostage by my classmate. Yes, bad flashbacks. I had repressed each bad incidents that happened but it distorted my emotions instead when these feeling of being unworthy recurred. I beg for these horrifying flashback to stop. I have yet to know the cause because it could be the side effect of the pills or it’s just my memories are getting clearer?

'''sorry peeps. I had written so many detailed about what I am going through. I really hope it helps me in healing my mental and spiritual health. Even if it doesn’t do much, at least it release bits of pain and secrecy of being hunted by the past and having trouble to remember where it all begins.Ciao. I love you all
 

.


Sunday, September 25, 2016

The terrible state of fear and annoyance.



I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments..

So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately.
It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here! 
It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron! Basically, it's a hardcore love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop.

What a fucking terrible state of mind I have.

What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching?

Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to more serious physical illness and chronic hypertension.I'm also on and off medications because it started to fuck with my appetite and having really bad mood swings. At times, I cried for no apparent reason.I started to cry and feel shaken endlessly even knowing the standing fact that I still have a very bright future but I’m stuck with someone that would not allow me to be creative as possible, I started to think every way to end my pain including self harm, ways to suicide (like the voices that I heard every night) and includes indulging myself in short term relationship with assholes and doucebags and constantly feel bad about leaving them within the last three years.

(in depth of my story and relationship experience): 
The number of exes after I dated my 3 old abusive-and depressive relationship is not recognizable. I dated him by end of 2010 till on and off 2013. After the break ups, I participated in a lot blind dates via social media apps (facebook,whisper, wechat, beetalk etc) and dated many people from different backgrounds as my own social experiments. LOL.Almost all of them had the courage to take me into bed or check-ins with them, hoping to have intimate relationship where sex becomes their main priority to own me as a toy or as a trophy to score. The sooner I see where the relationship is heading, the sooner I will always try to brainwash them and leave them or let them leave me. I knew I played a dangerous game by letting these kind of people into my life but I had fun tho, some of them are rich, handsome, well-educated and acting like pious angel that would “take me to Jannah” but actually a rotting asshole inside.  It leads me to an expectation where dating is somewhat a milestone to see who acts as a controller and be controlled.Some of them wanted knowledge,status sex or money because they expected me to give in easily to them while playing the cards of “Hey, we might meant for each other because you understand me so well” urgh. I completely believed their words sometimes. What a total bullshit!

One way or another, break-ups is like a game to me after doing such terrible decision. It leaves me into a state of endless depression because I never had any long term relationship after my 3 years of being totally truly madly in love with a man who suffer from chronic depression and abusive behavior because he acts like a complete psychopath and violence. At times, I wondered if it’s my mistakes to leave him mercilessly because I couldn’t take it anymore even becoming his friend and hearing anything single remark from him disgust me. The pain, insults and hurt he gave to me is playing on my mind, every single day. Am I still in love with him? No.I don’t think so. I don’t even remember the last time I smiled when people called his name at my face or talks anything to do with my marriage with him if we were still together. I gave him too many chances and one day, I got fed up and call it a quit when he brings up the idea of our engagement day.He already bought a ring which I refuse to believe he bought as a debt or the ring does not exist at all. Just an act to make up things with me.  Am I evil? I don’t know. I knew that a 3 year old relationship and going through ups and downs with him will end up somehow. I made him as a friend, lover and a caretaker the moment I knew he could be saved before ruining others in those 3 years of our deep relationship. I knew it is going to end, far along the way because I can’t see him being a changed man. Until today, my friends and family still talks to me about reconciling and being his friend once again. Giving him a chance. It leaves me disappointed. I wished they could stop saying like he’s “The One”. Clearly, I can’t think about him anymore. I wish I can erase my history with him but most of journey begins with him. He taught me to question about God and Life more because of his depressed nature. He taught me to believe that I am pretty and valuable.

Living with a parent that has a constant paranoia and unable to move one after death of loved one is hard. I sometimes had to give in all of my time and act very “obedient” despite I hate acting good all the time. I tried to hide away my depression,sadness and anxiety when I was with her. Fake my smiles & laughter, engaging in adult talks and real life shitty issues about people that is mostly gossip and judgmental. I had to keep away my friends being judged and keep them having a bad perspective about my family. I played the middle man. Trapped between into two levels of perception. First, I have to maintain good relationship with my mom and try to do her shits. Things that she wanted me to do, until it’s far beyond reachable.I can’t comprehend her level of perfectionism and ignorant. She wanted to be pleased all the time. I have no devotions to have a life like what she wanted or planned for me. I do not want to be her successor and grow up to be an orthodox and shallow-thinking like her. I can’t see myself doing routines or being in an office from 9-5 or being a lecturer trying to handle students or a full time lawyer/politicians/writer/ambassador/diplomat like how she brags around with her friends. I rather not be what she wanted me to be because if I were to become any of her career choices, I think I would not be able to pursue my interest in arts, language, music and programming. I wanted a life full with adventures and meeting new people each day. Yes.The extreme nomadic life because I don’t want to be too attached to people.I'm an introvert with extroverted thinking & abilities. I rather chill with only one or two bestfriends or just a lover who is independent enough to converse with me if I'm nowhere near him. Also, I rather dedicate this life to my work and people who needed to be reach out, especially those who suffer from low self-esteem , depression and doing self-harm despite being a high-functioning individual. I decided to take this life as canvas to be painted with all the colors we should be able to experience. I think parents thinks way too much and wanted their children to be “safe” all the time. I think too much about what they think. So it is made me grow into someone very mental and depressive as my mind trapped me into believing that I am incapable doing anything for myself and lived my life as myself. I am constantly worried of what my family thinks of me for breaking the rules and being the blacksheep of the family because I always started my things late. I will always took my time and regain my momentum twice after failures. I will try my best dying for the things I want in this Life


I wrote many personal issues on my blog and did many vlogs lately for the sake of my own journey and documentation. To remind my future self that I had gone through a lot and inspire myself each time I’m down on my knees. I know this may sound cliché but why not have a very personal and deep perspective about yourself? Maybe some people are too afraid to tell themselves that they are amazing just the way they are. I am amazing as the way I am. I will. I will keep fighting, but if I failed. I hope my words will inspire my admirers, fans, friends and whoever happens to read this. Ciao. I love you guys."