Thursday, October 6, 2016

Theism part 1

[As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.Hopefully I can further my studies by next year despite a major setback in Life this year. Oh! If you ask me whether do I want to further my study to the highest level or not, I'd say "Yes". Perhaps to be called as Professor Dr. Madya Nuur Munira Jasmin Binti Jamil one day USED to be one of my biggest life dreams.]

Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it because in the end of the day, no matter how rich, intelligent, well-respected or famous you are, the size of your grave will always the same as others.So be humble. You can only take 3 things into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being.It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button. 

I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams.
There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family.
They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want in life.
A failure.
A demented whore with mental illness.
A slut
A directionless bitch.
A fucked up person with low self esteem.

Those are the words I heard. Endlessly.I suffered in silence all these years,

All along after my dad's passing, my life has been a complete rock mountain to climb on and yet people said that I am such a pussy for living in depression every now and then. The stormy days and tears that I cried whenever I got hit and abused was countless. Yet.I still hold on to this Life because I had faith even if it's almost completely tarnished or used up. Optimism needs to be filled like a tank of water.I struggle to fill in mine everyday. I am a fighter. Perhaps a survivor too.I will take my own pace and time,no matter how time I failed. I disagree on living my life up the standards of others 

I told God, "If you really want to set my life difficulty level to mild hardcore, please give me the 0.03%  amount of being genuinely happy like during YOU lend my dad to me. The last 19 years of my life I was a happy person before You called him back HOME to you.So,I figured it out. You MUST had created a bigger and higher purpose for me. Let me be the person I supposed to be and create warmth to those around me. I rather be go Home after I did my best to serve You and make a difference in this temporary world. I need strength like how you had bestowed upon to Your Messenger. If they can endure this life till their last breath, so can I. ."

Sometimes, I think  God  is being Sadistic to the person that He wants.

Forgive me for stating my opinions.It does sound very offensive. I know.

It's just God wants you to ask for His help when you're really down in life because He misses your Prayers and have an honest confession with Him. An Intimate sincere moment with Him,to Him and Only Him.


But, 
at the same time...

You needed to be granted with Patience. You can only ask it from Him.
or..
Just let being left astray if you're done believing in Him. .

If people confessed to me that they are a self proclaimed "Atheist", "Freethinkeror a "humanist", I have no problem with it at all. I'm not someone who forced people to believe in what I believe or do as I said. We have to accept people for who they are inside, not from the appearance or material they posses. To me, we set our minds to our own beliefs. Religion is a very personal matter and always have its own core to educate or brainwash human by in providing virtues, ethics and guides to be a better person. I'll be cool too if people said there's no God or whatever they want to believe because, (believe me) choosing to believe in existence of Hell & Heaven and higher dimension is completely independent and a free will decision.We cannot simply condemn others for their difference and wrong-doing because people grow out of pain and learn from mistakes. A good religion never discriminates others who has lesser knowledge or who is lacking in rationality and doubts. Truth be told,we cannot propagate others to our own personal path and spiritual state. A sincere heart will influence people to do good and be good but it is always up to the effort of an individual himself/herself.
Yes?No?Agree?


"Positivism is something that needs to be channeled,in a non-tangible way".

People need to know about the real deal of having negativity vibes is due to their inability to see light at the end of the tunnel. They needed support and group of people encouraging their good vibes instead of being wrongly misjudge and partook in the process of judging how an individual is living their life. The world is indeed filled with people with bad and corrupt behavior. People who thinks depression will only happen to weak people. People who thinks that their life is so great compare to others.People who thinks their worldly achievement will grant eternal happiness 

Yes.We are surrounded by these hybrids of evil and self-delusional soul .




"Toxic humans pretended to look like a Saint, talks like a Prophet and dispose others like God"- original quote from me..






Sunday, October 2, 2016

Wishful thinking part 2

Honestly people.

[This post is quite a detailed extension to the last few post in this blog. It literally took away most of my mental energy and time as I composed it. If it sounds too disturbing or mentally upsetting, do please refrain yourself from reading it thoroughly.I bid a million thanks in advance]

Since the last 5 months ago, I have been struggling with Life itself. I thought when end-of-service working with the bank is over, it will release me from agony and misery because I received offer to further my study and work in electronic industry at Melaka for July intake but all my plan & things turned out to be so horribly wrong and went stalling. My worst nightmare has begun at the dawn of Ramadhan month this year. I never knew that I would be relapsing to the state where I started to hallucinate, talked, jerked around and even cried for help in my sleep. I felt like as if part of myself has been ripped out by the thoughts of pain and having low-self-esteem. All the excessive morbid thoughts began to linger and made me believe how incapable of a person I am.

Here are the list of major things that really upsets me in life right now:
  •         Family drama and rules
  •         Financial crisis and debts
  •         Studies and careers
  •         Mental and health issues


1. Family drama and rules: THE ENDLESS BLAME GAME

I never thought I would be in a situation whereby my family would blame every single hardship and use my past against me. They would keep pestering me about things that will certainly ticks me off and assume me to act neutral about it. Trying as hard as I can to act strong each time I got physically beaten or shouted like a mentally-ill person. I normally evade any personal or physical attack. I hold my breath and try to smile each time this situation rises up,calmly.  The moment I woke up every morning, I had to resume my responsibilities and duties take care of the household, cooking, washing and expected not to fail or abandoned anything else after that. Don’t you see how tiring it sounds like to go on like this every day while trying to earn money at the same time? Yet one out of many days or weekend whereby I failed to do so due to my health, the blame game starts. All the cursing, shouting and taunting like a crackhouse on fire. To be brutally honest, I can’t please everybody up to their standards just because I did my best to fit in and help while staying sane & polite most of the goddamn time. Yeah,I did blame myself sometimes but I didn’t want to be bias, there are a certain times when my family wants to incorporate the idea of perfectionism, having high morals & standards and half of the time I wanted to live as an invisible slave” that wanted to die while performing task or solving issues.  They will start to blame me for being rebellious, grouchy and lazy and I will blame them for not being profoundly flexible to changes and evolutions. I’m too tired to go on with arguing and fighting. Hence, I kept quiet to any unpleasant situation and remark. Just had to isolate myself from people and including my friends too, in real life. I had been upset, enraged and just couldn't care anymore about people. I rather be alone than unhappy

2. Highly pressured on financial and debts crisis.

There hasn’t been a lime light out of anywhere that would allow me to bring myself near to a state of tranquility and peace regarding this matter. With all the setback that has been going in my life for the last couple of years. I am still fighting to live and breathe for “all-the-better-tomorrows-In-my life” phase because of debts, no matter how tempted am I to attempt a painless suicide or deeply triggered when I relapsed into a deep depression state. I set my mind into something that I would probably can accomplished. I was eager to work as a gaming journalist/columnist and still resuming my post as a freelance content writer. I tried tracking down all my gaming article and series that I wrote to apply a spot in a gaming site. Unfortunately, all of them are nowhere to be found. The backup and copies are lost in my stolen laptops. The website and blogs that had employed me has been closed down or deleted.  It was a very disheartening and demotivating as I am struggling to find more writing jobs these few week. I needed more financial support due to where I am in life right now. Debts rounding to almost 40K MYR with the constant fear of being blacklisted by banks and Immigration department. I haven’t touch about the daily expenses incur and bills yet.  I really wanted to further my studies or intern somewhere far from Malaysia when the time comes. Sadly, with all the debts being held on my own name now, It consisted of my previous study loans and with all my father’s inheritance was lost when I handed over some fairly large amount of money to my mother because I didn’t expect things to go ironically wrong or sunk into a state of despair like this moment.  She said the money was lost due to her own greed to invest and trust her partner blindly. She kept telling how stressful life without having enough money and how it is essential not to fuck up with amount of money especially when it comes to business/investments. It’s cancerous to the point where I cannot bring the idea of taking her out to watch movies together or talk about entertainment.

3. Next move on pursuing studies and career stability.

If I didn’t had a certain high amount of fear, respect and morality, I would just engulf myself to be consumed by the idea of instant arranged/blind marriage or long term partnership to a wealthy men or anyone that has sufficient money to sponsor me anything through this financially-stress moment, especially revolving the idea of a “low life lady” such as having a sugar daddy or being a mistress to a high profile man and sometimes committing high profile crime itself because these ridiculous ideas were playing in my head like a song on repeat. I kept asking myself, “Is this all worth it? Ruining my own integrity and put a low value on myself like a first class doormat?” Well, the answer lies back to what I believe in life. I fairly agreed to have a hard earned money instead of choosing to sell my body and soul for temporary possession and worldly material. I do not want to surrender myself for power, wealth and status in this Duniya and suffer in my Afterlife. No matter how far I have sinned or corrupt my soul, I will always bow down, kneel before and fear God. I solemnly this Life is meant to be a challenge, if you wanted to be part of the paradise people or the highest heaven “Jannatul Firdaus” in the next Afterlife.

4. The painful struggles on mental and health Issues.

As stated in the older post, I had been struggling and tempted doing suicide attempts (hoping it would be as painless as possible and with 100% rate of success) and prone to self-harm/injuries .I even let people to beat me up or made me feel like a worthless pile of garbage, just to see how far people would torment me. As far as I know, some people are born way too sadistic or just enjoy bullying. They fed on fear and crushing down a person by brainwashing others that they are not good enough. Once people know how deeply wounded I am inside, the sooner they took measurement to test my wits and rationality for their own benefits. There are days I had a very good appetite to eat, but most of my days are barely eating or completely throw away the food I’ve seen. I am suffering from chronic gastric attack and it goes on and off in cycles. My time eating schedule was fucked. Same goes to my sleeping pattern because of terror panic attacks at late nights as I struggle to convince myself that the hallucinations aren’t real. They are just messing around in my head and made me feel suicidal. It happened every night, even if I’m on meds.  On extreme cases, I even myself mentally stress at a mamak cafĂ© and went rough running to toilet to vomit and calm myself. Year by year, month by month, my struggle on these attack seems to come and go in a very ferocious cycle. I beg my life to end quickly because I feel lesser of Life as depression seems to sink in even deeper. I was crying to no ends. It got worse every time I think of my dad’s passing and no one was there to comfort me like he did. I was in grievous stage and it prolonged as mental state. I also blamed myself for no longer been capable to have a long term relationship with anyone after being together with my depressive ex for 3 years. I did find a lot of comfort and trust in him. I had loved him beyond my limits and decided to call it a quit. I had to leave because he wouldn’t grow into a fully-functioning person as long as I’m still around as his doll/toy/slave etc. I wouldn’t want my children to see me getting beaten up by their father if I get married to him. Due to being exposed many toxic and abusive people in my life, I become someone who is scared to trust or talk about my mental issues, the recurring flashbacks and relapsing into my illness.


"Yes, my dear people. I'm still struggling and surviving my best  in day to day basis. Wondering if this phase would somehow end soon because I feel alone,abandoned and forgotten? Or will I just take my own life instead despite it is ethically wrong because I feel that my positive outlook in life is leaving me? Till then. ciao. I love you all". 




.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Wishful thinking part 1

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ]

Sadly.
My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “non-academic side-journey” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carried back home a trophy and a big smile because I was proud of my own work and recognized for it. I spend my early days writing, volunteering, joining workshops and connecting with people for ideas and how-to’s. I think that I was among the cool yet nerdy kid who has the privilege to have a space and platform to express myself. I had no problem in studying but I had to admit, I hate studying certain subjects and have to maintain my scores. My parents wanted me to concentrate more on academic stuff and have a clear sense of direction in Life. I told them, I wanted to be a musician, writer, scientist or programmer someday. Back in the my golden days, I was very enthusiastic when people ask me what are my passions/ambitions/interest in Life. I would talk to them all day and night about it. That was how deeply inspired person I was once upon a time ago. pfft.

Where did all the time go? huh.

Since I loss a parchment of myself due to depression, low self-esteem and nervous disorder all these years, I did find myself emotional and mentally unavailable all my interest into a period of time where it's almost cease to exist.I constantly need to be remind and to find strength and will to go with life as my old cheerful and optimist personality.I struggle to have my optimism and positive vibe again within me during the last these few years after my dad's sudden passing.  
As poetic I may sound like, I have been meaning to say that;
Sometimes things life such as faith and inspiration has to be renewed and filled with new experience and exposure from time to time. It’s like a bottle that needs to be filled with water when it’s all used up as roots needs water and nutrients for growth.
In my opinion,If you really compared yourself to a strong and well respected person in the society, they are just the same like you but they’ve been struggling in their own personal route too. I have to tell myself that it is okay to waste TIME trying to chase the dreams I had, even if it’s for a short term or in a limited time frame. It’s not how the progress that people should acknowledged, it’s the process along the way that counts. I actually cared about the process of starting into a journey and calculated the rate of success. I know, I am a natural overthinker and I analyzed the level challenges, setbacks of a particular route or decision before diving into it.In depth of my own spirituality, I wish God to ease the challenges in this Dunya and help me pass each obstacle, pinnacle and test before my time on Earth is UP . I wish to be reunited once again with all my beloved, especially my father in the akhirah.The man who teaches a lot about life and gave me so much comfort for the last 19 years of my life. He was one of the biggest inspiration that I had in this entire lifetime which I don't know how long or short. I believe in myself that I was born to make changes and inspire others in my own ways too. I longed for peace and solitude, and mostly, peace and solitude happens to be achievable during Death.   

Although I’m not a fan of long term plans but here’s a few wishful plans for my life.                            Some choices that I’ve been thinking in order:

1) Marriage

Too bored of the hook-up, arguing, break-ups, and dating again repetition process honestly.
I’m considering marriage proposal if there’s a guy who came to me with a sincere intention/effort or proper channel to get to know me me well. If I were to get married by this age (now I’m 24 which is very unlikely.duh.), I wanted someone who is far much more independent and dynamic as myself because I could not stick to the mindset & traditions of “Malays” (although I'm not fully Malay) that women should stay at home and not be working or studying anymore after getting married. I would also want a simple reception and a cheap dowry for my wedding. I don't want to make the process of getting married to me be such a troublesome,frustrating and challenging process for my husband's side. It's enough for me to have have a simple akad nikah at the mosque with family,relatives and friends.No need to be extravagant and lavish wedding. Malays are weird, they condemn the thinking of modern and evolution women for being too liberal and going against orthodox beliefs and mentality. As far as I had been thinking about my future spouse, he has to be mentally strong enough for us to build the future and empire together for our future children. My future spouse is someone who will give me full support, understanding and comfort in times of my distress and irrationality. I will pledge my full obedience as a devoted wife to cater all his needs and wants which is including; doing cooking. laundry, household or anything that he wanted to be served of. Responsibilities as a wife will always be my top priority and treat him with full respect,care and love. This may sound corny and cheesy AF, but I’d say yes to anyone who proposed and said,I’m ready to make you as my wife and lead you to be a better person. We will strive for Jannah together and set good examples for our future sons and daughters if we are blessed to have any within our lifetime” 

Okay Moon.It’s time to stop! That’s enough for showing a romantic and sweet side of me. (Yes,for a zillion times thinking about marriage. It’s affirmative to tell that I’m ready to settle down as soon as I have my own stability in career & study field and have a good man who is willing to take care of me till my last breath or the opposite way, I don’t expect marriage to just pop up from thin air or a corny pickup line from a delusional sexually frustrated man that just want sex or wanted to know my bust size despite claiming to be "alim"or "menundukkan pandangan". Believe me.I met so many hupocrites who used religion to court me into a long term and serious relationship) 
 I'm a 38 C  cup btw, 

Ain't that size is lit enough to rock a guy in bed? aha, I'm very sure of that, but sadly guys I'm not desperate to get laid


2) Of Career choices & education pursue

I’ve set to get married by the age of 25 or 26, and career is one of the second most important aspect of my life goals. I am willing to re allocate myself and move somewhere far from Kuching or KL, if it involves in choosing my ideal job and career. I considered working in an IT firm or being a writer full time (but other jobs is also considerable) while finishing my degree/masters/PHD as I do not want to burden my future husband. I’ll make sure to make him and our children to be proud of my achievement. This is my promise to them, if I'm allowed to live long and normally as other human being on this Earth. (Don't worry,  future hubby. I'll make sure our kids to feel proud of their mom.)



Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Ideas of symphony.



[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ]



How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues?

By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample to my friends and they were saying, “Moon. This book is so fucked up. It’s so heavy and poetic. My mind feels like being raped” and “You’re a fantastic writer. It’s not my type of genre, sadly”.Sigh I get a lot of critic and sappy remarks, I guess. Maybe this book isn’t meant for normal and lazy thinkers. I had to leave this book writing project for a while or rewriting it in a simpler, lighter and easy to comprehend version. 

Anyways...

There are websites and blog company that wanted to hire me as their fulltime writer and columnist. I could only work on late nights and certain days. So,I wasn’t be able to give them a full-time commitment because I had others responsibilities to attend to and I’m restricted to always be on the go. I’m a person who loves working with and around people but also prefer working independently at the same time. In simpler words, I have to stay balanced and strive for productivity and efficiency to “work smart, but play harder”. Yeah. I don't really support the idea of being a workaholic myself.   I’m not somehow who works really hard unless it intrigues me or requires the decree of originality & creativity more than the rest. I lay my head and body to rest if I’m tired and rush for the dateline. I work at my best when it’s near to the end or when I feel my creativity is kicking in.  Writing and composing needs time and consume a lot of mental energy,agree? (Admit it people, if you’re doing your assignment and office paper work, you’ll start to be all dizzy and lazy or needing find "motivation")

In conjugation of my vloging and reviving this blogging space which I started again very recently, I think the idea of trying my best to distract myself is absolutely filled with risk and low expectations because I do not want to go all out to expose my personal life to gain fame and publicity. I will keep it low and hidden from the rest .It's okay for me to go big in my music projects, webshows, sketches,arts, poetry and careers but NEVER GO LOUD if it involves my personal space or memoriam of myself to my friends and people who really had knew me up close and personal. The purpose for me to go on with writing piece of  digital memory about my life is to be immortalized on the net and preserved as the person I wanted to be. It's somehow creepy and sad but I wanted to be known or be found somewhere & somehow after I'm gone. To be honest, I wanted to be remembered eternally as a person that loves to express their thoughts and soul in writing, to help relate myself with others or open their minds as if I'm going to live forever.

Highlights of the past.

Last April before my last work trip with the bank to Sibu-Mukah-Daro-Semop. I was invited to my first Social Entrepreneurship event at BCCK (Borneo Convention Center Kuching) called SEHATI 2016. It was initiated by MaGic Shd Bhd. The first company of its kind and give a head on start ups to local entrepreneurs and exposure about SE to fellow Malaysian. They had been organizing successful bootcamps and programmed nationwide. It was a very well organized and received event indeed.Most of the attendees are university and college students, NGO's and young entrepreneurs. I had great time meeting people there even though I was alone. There are people with special needs who came there as guest of the talk show. Not so surprisingly, many of them came to hug me and smile. Some of them are very warm and innocent, I had the chance to talk greet and met the CEO of the company. The crew and excos there were nice and professional too.I did grab the opportunity a lot of question about the future of SE and support programme/apprenticeship. It was a very inspiring event for me for sure.

 Some memories of the SEHATI 2016:

The paper folder which contain booklets and pamphlets of their itinerary 

The stage set up. I was sitting nearby the speakers and CEO's.

Random students taking selfie with me at the stage. 
During the selfie with strangers challenge.

With one of the special needs children. 
Living with autism and down syndrome. He was trained to
do crafts and arts. Gave me a sudden hug before I left the stage.


The founder and CEO of MaGIC Shd Bhd, Ehon Chan. 
Very young and aspiring. He told me to keep on doing the things
I had passion on and give social impact. 


The emcee of the SEHATI 2016. Very fun and entertaining guy on stage
Also the exco and crew for MagIC SE programme.
We share the same kind of smile! 



It's really great to know that there are group of passionate people trying to make a difference and solve social issues by creating impact to the society while generating income. I'd support any kind of event and bootcamps that allows local businesses and young entrepreneur for this noble cause. Hoping for more Malaysians to have the courage and expose themselves in making a difference to the society. This kind of thing makes the world a better place to live and create individual filled with kindness and generosity.


Till then, "Whatever happens, happens"  ciao. I love you all.







The assasination of fear



[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?]


Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time?



The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other.
It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or work purposes  
It's not that I haven't tried to be as normal as possible and act coherently to society wills but I haven't seen the way out of this ailment and fears.It's been a full 5 month of exhausting cycle of terrible nightmares and losing the will to live as a happy human being. The stigmas and dogmas of people around me is depression are induced by the "Devil" himself and can easily go away.I think the statement was a bit of exaggeration and metaphorically invalid. It takes time and courage to heal oneself from depression and feeling abandoned all the time. In other cases like mine,if you're suffering mental and nervous disorder ever since your childhood, it would just evolve from a smaller wave into a bigger ones through childhood and adulthood. I'm completely aware of my circumstances and barricades which enables me reach out to as many people who can relate with similar dispositions and major setbacks especially my friends and people who came to me. The problem is sometimes I couldn't predict where and when my thoughts get too clogged up as I become too scared of living & telling people that I'm not doing well and I need support.

My explanations are


Here it is, the brutal truth: My fears are my sickness which are caused by battling long time depression and nervous breakdown disorder that seems to come and go in fierce cycles.Then later on, in 2013 I was diagnosed with hypertension,chronic gastric and kidney problems because of the lifestyle I've been living for almost 5 years. Likewise, I have mentioned in my older post, I have no appetite or feeling like wanting to eat at all for weeks and days (even though I'm hungry as hell). There are times I could stay healthy and try to eat well but it's also exhausting because I'm tired of being in pain. It's a long struggle and road to where I am now. I tried to reach out to as many of my good friends and people who has been in similar charade with me, but end up also feeling it doesn't really ease my pain much. They told me to take it easy and chill with life. Don't go too serious nor be strict about it. Keep on fighting and praying.Keep on smiling. Keep on making people comfortable around me.

BUT..

Nowadays,day-to-day basis seems to be a horrible timeline for me.

I was being restricted when my feet and body aches.There are times I couldn't get out the bed or walk. Struggling to breath and passed out or have to rush to the nearest chair/bed/sofa. There are bruises and swelling all over my body sometimes. Sudden fever and allergy symptoms. All the vomiting and bleeding. Trying to calm myself down and telling myself that it's going to be alright. Praying that things will end up well. It is very self consuming and it takes a lot for me to go on each and every day, with these restriction. Whenever I saw people posting delicious meals and interesting places to go, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to be well or to live long enough to be able going to these places because there are 50-50 chance, I will lose my faith in this struggle or just give up everything. All I wish, if I were to die sooner or later, I want to thank those who has been a part of my life and tell them that I had loved them with all my heart and soul. 


Here's a normal conversation that usually happened:

<*Whenever my family and friends discuss about living.*>

I will act like a complete asshole or pussy
I will reply, "okay" if they asked me or tell me anything
If they asked me, "Do you have plans?"
I will reply," Sort of. Maybe, depends"
If they asked me, "What's wrong?"
I will reply, "I have little faith for long term things"
If they asked me, "Are you sick? Unhappy? You seemed happy"
I will reply, "How am I suppose to react to your question?"

That's how detrimental my conditions are. My taboos are about living. I rather not think about
anything based on long term commitment. You see, I see life as a commitment and people 
expected me to live well and normally. The problem is I want to live in the moment and try 
to stay cool and rational all the time. The highs and lows of emotions are distracting and 
side-tracking due to mental and physical setbacks. Despite I'm a highly functioning individual
who has the ability to change the world and making difference around me thru my works and arts,
I solemnly believe that one day, if I should go early and vanished. I want to make a difference.


"I beg this life to go easy on me.I beg the pain to be lesser.I beg to still have even the smallest hope to experience joy.I beg to be myself more.I beg to have a day saying to myself, "I had lived for this moment"


I hope I still be around.Sorry if this post has been disturbing to some. I love you all.





Monday, September 26, 2016

Of Flashbacks and setbacks



[I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ]

What did actually happened  from May- September 2016?

I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech news and humor. The truth is I don’t want to be labelled as insane and unwell/troubled or traumatized. So, whatever it takes to make myself look normal, I will plunged myself acting into it, until the pressure became a turmoil and create a catastrophe to myself. I knew that I screwed myself for being such a passive-aggressive person in times of distress.

I was feeling tired and have no appetite to eat all the time in these few months. Unmotivated and have little interest of whatsoever people around me intent to do with their lives.  These fluctuation of mood swings and terrible sudden nervous breakdown made every second and every day of my life feel like I should leap to death from the twentieth floor and hoping to be pronounced “Dead on Arrival” and my body to be taken fresh to be bathed. No needing for autopsy.Someone has to report my death for documentation purposes. Get ready some kain kafan and dig the grave plot for burial. That is how far my suicidal thoughts develops. I admit, I made friends with a lot depressed and toxic humans around me. Plus, I was in love with a mad person who indulge himself in gore and graphic explicit inhuman materials for three years and I developed the same interest with him which was watching blood, killing and sadistic materials on the dark net. Why? I simply wanted to understand his psychopath nature and I regret it because it turned me into a mini psychopath too, as I got addicted to the materials which we watched together. (yea, I agreed the fact that I was strangely drawn to anything bad and psychotic that he did as I was very young and gullible at the time I dated him) He introduced me to everything morbid and asked me to abandon religion because he said “religion and God is overrated”. So, the love story that I had with him isn’t what like normal couple does. Believe me. Being abused and crying becomes normal and he would apologized and then talked nicely, hugging and kissing me like he will change his behaviors. He knew he has made me into his puppet and a camouflage because I kept coming back to him. I’m still haunted by the past things and somehow whatever happens in the year 2010-2013 is recurring back as memories and sudden flashbacks.

I was also in a state full of confusion and anxiety. Every time my old flame and admirers expressed how they wanted me to accept them as a future soulmate and be in relationship. I fear my past is still lurking and worst thing could happened is my own death and I will lose them forever. I was struggling with panic attacks and suicide attempts these few months. I told them, I wasn’t ready and I did push most of my best friends and old love interest away. In fact, I had to because I do not want them to worry as my mental and physical health deteriorate. I love them so much that I had to leave them and act like a complete asshole. I prayed that things will work out for them because I don’t want to live as a burden and drag them into a hole of despair. No matter what they did and said to me, I felt that they deserve someone better and have someone at their own same level. It is not fair for them to be with someone like me. I felt my whole world is crushed when I decided to ignore and cut off communication with them for their own sake. I wanted them to be happy and not get affected with my conditions and illness.

There times when I needed ideas and inspiration to write and draft my work goes stalling.I can’t recount how many times I procrastinated and went into a state where I was unable to concentrate and relapse into crying and finding myself in a terrible bad mood. It’s where the voices and hallucinations or “things” come into my mind and inflicted me with nightmares and extreme paranoia. It took over me whenever I started crying and I blanked out. I don’t remember what I did and when I snapped back to reality. I was writing absurd things or reaction almost like a “happy-drunk-aggressive-lady”. I feel like there’s something else taking over me. People may say it’s just a reverse personality disorder, but reality is we know what it is. A state of induced psychosis and could result in self-harm & injury if left untreated. In spiritual term, it is called possessed. I don’t want to go further into that because well, the eerie and creepy feeling of being “somebody who is non-existential” sometimes freaks me out.  The battle to not let them in is real and on going. The feeling of things following and seeing them is real. It’s just how far do I have to go to get rid of these “induced pyschosis” leaves me puzzled. Am I too lonely till it gets into me? Or am I too relying on God to save my poor soul? I often questioned that. Up until this moment.

Okay back to the title. The flashbacks!

Especially with my ex. It bugs me.The last few years, I couldn’t even remember what we did together and the so called “happy time” moment because the ratio of unpleasant things he did and forced me into is higher than all the “lovey dovey” things which are normal in a dating relationship. The night when my dad passed away begins to fade but as I entered the hospital again. Everything came to my mind just like yesterday. The sound of my mom screaming my name when she received emergency news about my grandma made me traumatized too. The death threats that I received. The night where I was literally almost being kidnapped and taken hostage by my classmate. Yes, bad flashbacks. I had repressed each bad incidents that happened but it distorted my emotions instead when these feeling of being unworthy recurred. I beg for these horrifying flashback to stop. I have yet to know the cause because it could be the side effect of the pills or it’s just my memories are getting clearer?

'''sorry peeps. I had written so many detailed about what I am going through. I really hope it helps me in healing my mental and spiritual health. Even if it doesn’t do much, at least it release bits of pain and secrecy of being hunted by the past and having trouble to remember where it all begins.Ciao. I love you all
 

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Sunday, September 25, 2016

The terrible state of fear and annoyance.



I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments..

So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately.
It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here! 
It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron! Basically, it's a hardcore love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop.

What a fucking terrible state of mind I have.

What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching?

Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to more serious physical illness and chronic hypertension.I'm also on and off medications because it started to fuck with my appetite and having really bad mood swings. At times, I cried for no apparent reason.I started to cry and feel shaken endlessly even knowing the standing fact that I still have a very bright future but I’m stuck with someone that would not allow me to be creative as possible, I started to think every way to end my pain including self harm, ways to suicide (like the voices that I heard every night) and includes indulging myself in short term relationship with assholes and doucebags and constantly feel bad about leaving them within the last three years.

(in depth of my story and relationship experience): 
The number of exes after I dated my 3 old abusive-and depressive relationship is not recognizable. I dated him by end of 2010 till on and off 2013. After the break ups, I participated in a lot blind dates via social media apps (facebook,whisper, wechat, beetalk etc) and dated many people from different backgrounds as my own social experiments. LOL.Almost all of them had the courage to take me into bed or check-ins with them, hoping to have intimate relationship where sex becomes their main priority to own me as a toy or as a trophy to score. The sooner I see where the relationship is heading, the sooner I will always try to brainwash them and leave them or let them leave me. I knew I played a dangerous game by letting these kind of people into my life but I had fun tho, some of them are rich, handsome, well-educated and acting like pious angel that would “take me to Jannah” but actually a rotting asshole inside.  It leads me to an expectation where dating is somewhat a milestone to see who acts as a controller and be controlled.Some of them wanted knowledge,status sex or money because they expected me to give in easily to them while playing the cards of “Hey, we might meant for each other because you understand me so well” urgh. I completely believed their words sometimes. What a total bullshit!

One way or another, break-ups is like a game to me after doing such terrible decision. It leaves me into a state of endless depression because I never had any long term relationship after my 3 years of being totally truly madly in love with a man who suffer from chronic depression and abusive behavior because he acts like a complete psychopath and violence. At times, I wondered if it’s my mistakes to leave him mercilessly because I couldn’t take it anymore even becoming his friend and hearing anything single remark from him disgust me. The pain, insults and hurt he gave to me is playing on my mind, every single day. Am I still in love with him? No.I don’t think so. I don’t even remember the last time I smiled when people called his name at my face or talks anything to do with my marriage with him if we were still together. I gave him too many chances and one day, I got fed up and call it a quit when he brings up the idea of our engagement day.He already bought a ring which I refuse to believe he bought as a debt or the ring does not exist at all. Just an act to make up things with me.  Am I evil? I don’t know. I knew that a 3 year old relationship and going through ups and downs with him will end up somehow. I made him as a friend, lover and a caretaker the moment I knew he could be saved before ruining others in those 3 years of our deep relationship. I knew it is going to end, far along the way because I can’t see him being a changed man. Until today, my friends and family still talks to me about reconciling and being his friend once again. Giving him a chance. It leaves me disappointed. I wished they could stop saying like he’s “The One”. Clearly, I can’t think about him anymore. I wish I can erase my history with him but most of journey begins with him. He taught me to question about God and Life more because of his depressed nature. He taught me to believe that I am pretty and valuable.

Living with a parent that has a constant paranoia and unable to move one after death of loved one is hard. I sometimes had to give in all of my time and act very “obedient” despite I hate acting good all the time. I tried to hide away my depression,sadness and anxiety when I was with her. Fake my smiles & laughter, engaging in adult talks and real life shitty issues about people that is mostly gossip and judgmental. I had to keep away my friends being judged and keep them having a bad perspective about my family. I played the middle man. Trapped between into two levels of perception. First, I have to maintain good relationship with my mom and try to do her shits. Things that she wanted me to do, until it’s far beyond reachable.I can’t comprehend her level of perfectionism and ignorant. She wanted to be pleased all the time. I have no devotions to have a life like what she wanted or planned for me. I do not want to be her successor and grow up to be an orthodox and shallow-thinking like her. I can’t see myself doing routines or being in an office from 9-5 or being a lecturer trying to handle students or a full time lawyer/politicians/writer/ambassador/diplomat like how she brags around with her friends. I rather not be what she wanted me to be because if I were to become any of her career choices, I think I would not be able to pursue my interest in arts, language, music and programming. I wanted a life full with adventures and meeting new people each day. Yes.The extreme nomadic life because I don’t want to be too attached to people.I'm an introvert with extroverted thinking & abilities. I rather chill with only one or two bestfriends or just a lover who is independent enough to converse with me if I'm nowhere near him. Also, I rather dedicate this life to my work and people who needed to be reach out, especially those who suffer from low self-esteem , depression and doing self-harm despite being a high-functioning individual. I decided to take this life as canvas to be painted with all the colors we should be able to experience. I think parents thinks way too much and wanted their children to be “safe” all the time. I think too much about what they think. So it is made me grow into someone very mental and depressive as my mind trapped me into believing that I am incapable doing anything for myself and lived my life as myself. I am constantly worried of what my family thinks of me for breaking the rules and being the blacksheep of the family because I always started my things late. I will always took my time and regain my momentum twice after failures. I will try my best dying for the things I want in this Life


I wrote many personal issues on my blog and did many vlogs lately for the sake of my own journey and documentation. To remind my future self that I had gone through a lot and inspire myself each time I’m down on my knees. I know this may sound clichĂ© but why not have a very personal and deep perspective about yourself? Maybe some people are too afraid to tell themselves that they are amazing just the way they are. I am amazing as the way I am. I will. I will keep fighting, but if I failed. I hope my words will inspire my admirers, fans, friends and whoever happens to read this. Ciao. I love you guys."


Thursday, June 9, 2016

Ramadhan Kareem

The Holiest Month of All.
It is a month where you see
and look into your deepest
strength and weeknesses.
Spiritual growth is the
most important thing in
order to be a well-functioning
human.
To God,Omnipotent.
We need to walk and run
to His Mercy.
We need to cleanse ourselves
from all the negative vibe.
All of this in this month
of Ramadhan Kareem.
I find myself seeking His
Forgiveness and being hopeless
because of my imperfections
and mistakes that I did with
or without intentions.

My mindset:
We need to correct
and fix the negative in us.

Success never comes easy.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

As we kissed all night long
He wondered in mind;
"Will this last forever?"
We let in a few more slow kisses,
the tenderness of smooching lips
until he resonates his fear
I touched his chest and said,
"Love, through Heaven and Hell,
within a thousand Lifetime that
we may or may not have,
I will still choose you to latch upon,
My whole universe, I came
To shine within you Presence
My soul breathes on you.
We belong in realm of madness.
And my madness is US.
Forever. My Paradiss. You! "

                 -wordlesspeech-

Friday, May 27, 2016

Life is not about yourself and others. It is about how you understand meaning behind the smallest,little and detail things around us.We,human tend to see the biggest and clearest view of all the things that we did (from actions, words and knowlegde) and must have a clear or definite goal. We see problems, hardships and mistakes as a punishment or a way to remind us of what is good and bad. I see Life as a journey to find what is being Human is all about and being rigidly strong as who you are inside, despite nobody understands you. Life is a dedication to make changes in your own ways, pace and capacity. You can shine in whatever you choose to be. See, people. You don't need people to approve and support your thoughts because we need to be self sufficient and kind to ourselves. We need pain to grow. We need to know how to endure the most absurb circumstances and tragic loss for personal enhancement. I think most people complain their life too much. Talks about money, status and having the most perfect partner/job/education/followers all the goddamn time. Go compare your life with war refugees, chronic cancer patients,rape/abuse victims and people with mental or physical disabilities.
You will appreciate Life as a gift to you

Thursday, May 26, 2016

"Your fingers,dear.." I remarked.
"What about them, sweetheart?" He asked.
I instinctively reached for his hands
and interlaced our fingers together.
"They're belong to mine! " I said after I kissed his lips tenderly.

We blushed and hold on even tighter.

                 -wordlessspeech-

I'm a girl.
I appeared out of nowhere.
Fallen in love again,
with you.
Saw you through years.
That night I sat next to you
Wondering, "Are you The One?"
My mind went whispering
"Surprise! He is. Take your time"
He looks at me  A smile.
I bloomed.
I knew, he'll be my Paradise.
I love you.

-Wordlesspeech-
follow me @moonxyle92

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

The human soul,
is funny and delusional.
One who expects too much,
She/He will be dissappointed
if their expectations lack from the outcome.
I had spent my whole Lifetime,
obeying a perfectionist tradition;
And every single mistakes,
wrong moves,wrong people,
misplacing stuff never missed being counted and recalled.
I regret my silence and changed
into someone who is very passive-aggresive.
Unpredictable and radical.
I grew up enduring emotional
and physical pain for many,many years. 
I was in a very deep stage of
depression since I came to know
the meaning of failure and
how it is like to move on from a death
of a loved ones.
I do still get episodes of suicidal tendency and being in a short term major depression.
I hid it so well that nobody knows
I'm hurting very much, everyday.
Honestly, it is in my blood to follow rules
and order to be succesfull like "the rest".
Spent my whole lifetime proving
to be the smartest and approval of others,
to satisfy these kind of people.
For status, recognization, wealth and
glory of a name within a bloodline.
They fed me poison of worldly happiness.
For years had gone by,
after my father's passing
I stood still in times of needing
a loving arm to hold me and encourage
me to move forward.
Surviving day by day
in hope of meeting of a paradise
that will comfort my anxiety
and kiss away the tears of suffering.
As I tried moving on these dark phase,
I collected pieces of strength in
each soul that I met along the way
Tried to see what makes them
strong and rigid inside as a human.
It was an honour to be with
these kind of people.
It is not my duty to judge anyone
that I befriended and been close to.
The "bad" ones teaches me to have a mindset that will burn anyone with their actions and ignore emotions of others.The "Good" ones teaches me to be patient and always remember good deeds of people whenever the "bad"  hurt/betray me.

I lose my vibe and cheerful personality,under circumstances where I had no support and anyone to talk to.
I lose my health and mental well-being,
whenever I was pushed down beyond my limits.

Yes. Welcome to my inspiration.

It is made from fear, tears and pain.
I write mostly to others who felt alone
and become their melody, to sing the song of Life with full vibrant expressions and moving words.

You see people, you never know what it's like being trapped in mild depression although the stage is no longer suicidal/harmful but you wished to suicide with 100 percent of success rate of Death as an outcome and finally can lie down in a coffin. Resting eternally after all the bullshit you had in your lifetime. I am struggling to live each day and each second, fighting my ways to smile and be happy, to provide others with warmness. That is why I wrote things mostly about depression and human soul. I really want to educate people on the strength of human soul to influence and empower others by having good vibes and spread positive things. I want to grow humanity larger.

Parang, the first Borneo Card Game

"Parang,the game"

The fusion of Borneo culture into a card game.A game company, Beast of Borneo based in Kuching created this masterpiece game. Thus, "Parang" the card game has succesfully gotten the crowd into a new dimension of playing and social interacting with people in this smartphone era while still preserving a sense of identity of the Iban culture.The pioneer of its kind. Borneo headhunting card game. A very cool concept. The players has their own unique ways to win the game and collect "Antu Pala" (head trophies) to become the winner.

As a matter of fact, the whole idea and design of the game itself stands out and made its objectives as a "get-along-game".
and naturally enjoyable for individuals from all walks of Life.

Regardless old you are, race and identity is not a problem. The game is very simple to understand and most people learn to become the winner as they played it along.

Stay tuned for more info of "Parang", the card game and details.