I've been abandoning my thoughts of paradise for quite sometime.
I'm back now. So, yay~
When someone ask me to do things or nag me,
I find it hard to follow rules and obligation immediately.
Nagging is one hard thing in my life to not be stressed upon.
It's mentally excruciating to listen to the same person everyday.
You get tired and bounded when the timing is not right.
I know one of the most nagging person on Earth is
the person who really cares about you.
Maybe it's his or her way to show and express love.
Love is something subjective but at the same time,
You can't force people to listen to you,
if they are not putting their hearts and soul to understand you.
I do have the capability to understand people,
and sometimes I may failed to calculate about the
consequences and circumstances that may not be in my favour.
Many of my friends thought about me being cold or acting
like a sociopath,
While I just failed sometimes to see clearly
and act tactfully.
I'm not a sociopath like one of exes.
My exes has been a burden
and such a mess to be taken care even after break-ups.
I thought of them and I wouldn't want to repeat the same mistakes.
The same outcome.The same old habit.
Things wouldn't change now because I know that I deserve
to be treated better.
It was a disastrous moment that I wouldn't want to 3R (haha!)
As the year of 2015 is ending,
I looked back and I saw myself being stronger
even if I had been such a mess and totally broken inside.
I had been struggling with mild depression the past few years,
I had thought of killing myself over and over again.
I had bad thoughts and mistrust everyone around me.
It has been one hell of a journey to where I am right now.
Sure, I have friends but now I can only trust a few.
A few to reduce the rate of being manipulated and used.
I yet to trust people even my own family.
The only one that I trust is God and myself.
Maybe a few people that has gone through the same thing,
have the privilege to gain or access my trust.
I trust people if the amount of time and effort that I give them is
I cannot accept myself to give trust "right away"
I have to respect how I feel because my guts are protecting me now.
You know if you feel unsure or not happy with decision you make IF
you are thinking about it over and over again.
I lose sleep and feel agitated thinking of people and my relationship
with them; Family, Friends and potential soulmate.
Relationships are hard enough to maintain if one of the party resist
and failed to see the point of view and lack of empathy.
My problem right now is I cannot trust people because
I will consider myself as a failure should things go beyond my control.
Trying to please everyone at the same time is a pain in the ass.
My limits are being tested constantly.
It's time to take a deep breath, and have blind faith in God.
Maybe His plan will prevail more than mine.
Untill next time.