Friday, May 15, 2015

Kuching.The city I grew up.

I admit that my life has turned upside down.
They say if you're in a war, you have to prepare for one last streak of battle.
The combo, the finising part. The prestige.
When my friends asked me whether I have finished my studies or not,
what are you doing now?
Where are you?
I cannot even smile or just plainly answering them.
I still on my way.
They have high expectations or no idea of what I'm doing.
I am going through hard times and I need to rediscover myself,
People are not capable to understand what we go through unless
we tell them. So here I AM. I am reaching out to you.
Emotions and feelings are the hardest to explain in words but
you can let people feel what you feel.
At the moment I arrived in Kuching,
I knew that I have to find strength and hang on as long as I can,
No friends. No more dates. No more laughing. No more hearing jokes.
Just plainly me and my demonic side to overcome and walk
this excruciating route.
This place where I grew up, my family and friends holds the most memories
and things to ponder upon.
I came here to revisit memories and see how far I have accomplished.
The trophies, certificates and skills that I acquire during chilldhood.
During my younger years, I learn on how to speak in front of the crowd.
I learn to be confident despite I always suffer from nervous breakdown.
Kept thinking of others before myself.
Kept emotions for myself and let myself to be taken advantage of.
Kept thinking that things aren't turning out the way I want it to be.
Kuching is a city where I was born and grew up for the past 20 years.
I am proud to be part of Kuching but I have to decide, to conclude, to clarify
and to be sure of that this place isn't bringing me any good if I am still 
tormented by the bad past and haunting memories here.
KL is the next place where I need to show to people what I am capable of.
MOVE ON is a hard chapter to do,
I can only do it when I'm away from all the bullshit and drama.
The stress and expectations are being risen up day by day here.
Part of my pain is to hang on even if I felt like dying 
and being suicidal or give up.
I know how it felt to be in a deep shit hole 
and uber depressed.
Believe me, these walls on my room knows how sad I felt
to be alone. 
Literally, I felt drained out in my own house.
My laptop died on me. 
I cannot compose stuff or play games untill I RECOVER IT.
Financial wise, I do not have the leisure to spend it like before.
Barely or never at all.
Just me and her.
All day and night.
Here in Kuching, I used to be very cheerful and happy
but now everything is sad and blue.
Seeing myself in a self destruct mood is a nightmare.
I woke up and asked myself, "Why am I even alive?"
Life has turned very murky and tormenting,
I forgotten how to laugh,sing and smile.
I saw the sun and sunny skies and being to cry.
It is scary to be very stressed out and losing yourself.
Right now, at this moment
I wanted to be free out of stress and smile.
Learn how to be graceful and stronger.
I still cry every single day because of missing my friends
and love of my life.
Whatever you do and wheree ever you are.
I pray that we will meet again soon.
I promised.

Kuching, I will be leaving you for good soon.
Thank you for the memories.