Monday, December 21, 2015

December 2015

Oh.Back here again.
The past three months has been
really heartbreaking and awakening.
The idea of leaving and taking a step
to uphold the idea of responsibility.
Earning what is lost due to other's mistakes.
Well, this is the hardest part,
REALIZING that you can fix everything,
but everything is challenging you with
time and patience.
I escaped DEATH again as I RECALLED
the knive was very near to slaughter or
cut deep into my throat?.
Eh, disturbing right?

That was one of my darkest moment.
I manage to get over it without a scratch
or getting hurt by the robbers.

Enough of uber depressing stuff
I think my life is going to be much more meaning because I am not alone.
These few lovable people keep me
strong and calm during these hard times.


Imma drop and refresh this blog with a whole new concept next year.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Right away.

I've been abandoning my thoughts of paradise for quite sometime.
I'm back now. So, yay~
Right away,eh?
When someone ask me to do things or nag me,
I find it hard to follow rules and obligation immediately.
Nagging is one hard thing in my life to not be stressed upon.
It's mentally excruciating to listen to the same person everyday.
You get tired and bounded when the timing is not right.
I know one of the most nagging person on Earth is 
the person who really cares about you.
Maybe it's his or her way to show and express love.
Love is something subjective but at the same time,
You can't force people to listen to you,
if they are not putting their hearts and soul to understand you.
I do have the capability to understand people,
and sometimes I may failed to calculate about the 
consequences and circumstances that may not be in my favour.
Many of my friends thought about me being cold or acting 
like a sociopath,
While I just failed sometimes to see clearly
and act tactfully.
I'm not a sociopath like one of exes.
My exes has been a burden
and such a mess to be taken care even after break-ups.
I thought of them and I wouldn't want to repeat the same mistakes.
The same outcome.The same old habit.
Things wouldn't change now because I know that I deserve 
to be treated better.
It was a disastrous moment that I wouldn't want to 3R (haha!)
1. Recall
2. Remember 
3. Reminisce 

As the year of 2015 is ending,
I looked back and I saw myself being stronger
even if I had been such a mess and totally broken inside.
I had been struggling with mild depression the past few years,
I had thought of killing myself over and over again.
I had bad thoughts and mistrust everyone around me.
It has been one hell of a journey to where I am right now.
Sure, I have friends but now I can only trust a few.
A few to reduce the rate of being manipulated and used.
I yet to trust people even my own family.
The only one that I trust is God and myself.
Maybe a few people that has gone through the same thing,
have the privilege to gain or access my trust.
Trust, peeps.
I trust people if the amount of time and effort that I give them is 
the same.
I cannot accept myself to give trust "right away"
I have to respect how I feel because my guts are protecting me now.
You know if you feel unsure or not happy with decision you make IF
you are thinking about it over and over again.
I lose sleep and feel agitated thinking of people and my relationship 
with them; Family, Friends and potential soulmate.
Relationships are hard enough to maintain if one of the party resist
and failed to see the point of view and lack of empathy.
My problem right now is I cannot trust people because
I will consider myself as a failure should things go beyond my control.
Trying to please everyone at the same time is a pain in the ass.
My limits are being tested constantly.
It's time to take a deep breath, and have blind faith in God.
Maybe His plan will prevail more than mine.

Untill next time. 
chao peeps.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Kuching.The city I grew up.

I admit that my life has turned upside down.
They say if you're in a war, you have to prepare for one last streak of battle.
The combo, the finising part. The prestige.
When my friends asked me whether I have finished my studies or not,
what are you doing now?
Where are you?
I cannot even smile or just plainly answering them.
I still on my way.
They have high expectations or no idea of what I'm doing.
I am going through hard times and I need to rediscover myself,
People are not capable to understand what we go through unless
we tell them. So here I AM. I am reaching out to you.
Emotions and feelings are the hardest to explain in words but
you can let people feel what you feel.
At the moment I arrived in Kuching,
I knew that I have to find strength and hang on as long as I can,
No friends. No more dates. No more laughing. No more hearing jokes.
Just plainly me and my demonic side to overcome and walk
this excruciating route.
This place where I grew up, my family and friends holds the most memories
and things to ponder upon.
I came here to revisit memories and see how far I have accomplished.
The trophies, certificates and skills that I acquire during chilldhood.
During my younger years, I learn on how to speak in front of the crowd.
I learn to be confident despite I always suffer from nervous breakdown.
Kept thinking of others before myself.
Kept emotions for myself and let myself to be taken advantage of.
Kept thinking that things aren't turning out the way I want it to be.
Kuching is a city where I was born and grew up for the past 20 years.
I am proud to be part of Kuching but I have to decide, to conclude, to clarify
and to be sure of that this place isn't bringing me any good if I am still 
tormented by the bad past and haunting memories here.
KL is the next place where I need to show to people what I am capable of.
MOVE ON is a hard chapter to do,
I can only do it when I'm away from all the bullshit and drama.
The stress and expectations are being risen up day by day here.
Part of my pain is to hang on even if I felt like dying 
and being suicidal or give up.
I know how it felt to be in a deep shit hole 
and uber depressed.
Believe me, these walls on my room knows how sad I felt
to be alone. 
Literally, I felt drained out in my own house.
My laptop died on me. 
I cannot compose stuff or play games untill I RECOVER IT.
Financial wise, I do not have the leisure to spend it like before.
Barely or never at all.
Just me and her.
All day and night.
Here in Kuching, I used to be very cheerful and happy
but now everything is sad and blue.
Seeing myself in a self destruct mood is a nightmare.
I woke up and asked myself, "Why am I even alive?"
Life has turned very murky and tormenting,
I forgotten how to laugh,sing and smile.
I saw the sun and sunny skies and being to cry.
It is scary to be very stressed out and losing yourself.
Right now, at this moment
I wanted to be free out of stress and smile.
Learn how to be graceful and stronger.
I still cry every single day because of missing my friends
and love of my life.
Whatever you do and wheree ever you are.
I pray that we will meet again soon.
I promised.

Kuching, I will be leaving you for good soon.
Thank you for the memories.

Thursday, April 16, 2015


Too long since I last updated.
There's too much things going on by the end of 2014 and 2015.
They'd say "Changed"
I'd say, "Reset:.
We do not posses the power to erase the past nor alter it anyhow.
I too, been dwelling with sorrows and pain.
To love too much but in the end being left hanging.
And I have been feeling hopeless that no one would want me
as much as I want them in my life.
The problem is, I have been keeping feelings and
the ways to express it for too long.
I can't say "No" to others.
Keeping all the angst and despair in others without leaving them any clue,
Maybe I have the problem of expressing deep things.
I'm afraid of rejection of my true intentions,
Life is about taking chances and changing along the way,
I want to change for myself and my loved ones,
Talking about love and relationship,
It's time for me to move on from the bad ones,
and embrace the good ones and find happiness in people who wants me to be better,
As I wrote this, I am..already in love.
The first thing that goes in my mind,
when I saw him.
"I don't think I deserve him. I am too,,,,broken inside, I'm afraid of being rejected of my own life,
It maybe difficult, but I will try to be as honest as possible and make him happy. I want him to be happy with my presence, I want to be close to him although I don't have reasons, as my heart will naturally open or open slowly to accept and keep him in my life,
This thoughts..has been mingling as we had daily conversation.
I found warmth and purity in him,
I found real and hard reality in him.
I found him to be as interesting as someone that I'm willing to spend the rest of life with,
And..every day,.
I felt that my burden is lessen,
that I never felt alone again.
It's the happiness and joy when laughing with him.
It's the kindness and sincerity I felt in him, even if he doesn't show it,
It made me sad though when he said that no one has made him felt important.
Everyone around me is important.
I have many and tons of friends, but I can only trust very FEW of them.
Trust issues and getting exploit.
It's what I hate about human. I like Win-Win situation,
In every circumstances, both party must win or lose.
I would kill for that.haha.
Being fair and persistent is the hardest thing to do in every relationship.
Not everyone understood.
Not everyone had the means and capacity to put themselves in other shoes.
Struggle is a part of success.
Lazy is a part of human traits too.
Ignorant and Ego is something that will kill inside.
Being sincere and pure-hearted will also kill you, but Allah never disappoint to those who puts
blind faith in Him.
We are living in the temporary Dunnya,
Challenges,misfortunes and test are always coming in 
just to remind us that we need Him in our life.
We do not need to rely on others as much as we thought,
Keep God closer in our heart, take a leap of faith and change for the better,
it's worth trying because every beautiful life story has its downside 
and it has it's own dark and spiraling down.
Gonna post more of my thoughts, peeps.
Catch ya later.