Friday, April 18, 2014

Stranded.

A life full of debts and living in fear.
It's not about how I am dealing with life here.
But the people.
The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own 
dark shadows.
Inner demons.
If there is such thing as freedom.
It's called "Truth"
Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free.
Free from being haunted or guilt.
I am willing to give myself away, for that
chance to be free.
Right now,
I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me.
Everyone around me has their own agenda.
Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma.
And I wonder, having a significant other right now..
does it make the situation really better? 
Life teaches us to be wise and resilient
but along the way,
the rise and falls..
It's lonely, it's dark..
and the ones who can save you is..
Yourself.
So think,
if I had a new order of time,
to reset all of my past mistakes.
I wouldn't do too much for others,
I wouldn't love others who will betray me,
I wouldn't keep trusting and be devoted as a dog.
In the end, there are ONLY TWO OUTCOMES:

1) You will get loved and appreciated when you needed people the most.
2) You will get backstabbed and bitten behind your back, with everything that you did..except, you are used    your name/reputation is tarnished.

Here, I am writing an awful truth about myself. I made mistakes along the way to get my goals. I had disappointed those who really care about me. I was really down on my knees this semester that I don't know where to begin again since some unexpected circumstances. It is hard for me to spit it out here as a blog is where I am trying to express what I had kept inside for so long.I had kept this feeling of being betrayed/used and disappointed with myself for so long.

Let me tell you something about myself.

I love speaking to the public, I love singing and I love writing or travelling alone and meeting new people.
Learning about life itself. In fact, the biggest dream in my life is to become a writer,language professor journalist or work on big media corporation such as Bloomberg, CNN or Google. 

I have a hobby, a dying passion to be free someday. I have a vision. where my life is not planned by others or being a slave to others. Believe me, I have tolerated and tried my best to make everyone happy. 
I believe I learn my limits that I cannot be there to satisfy everyone around me.
If there's a lesson about myself and how I should be living. I found a few important ones.

1) Don't trust people easily.
2) Don't fall in love deeply with guys who are not matured enough.
3) Don't enslave yourselves to others
4) Don't be afraid to stay "silent"
5) Don't be afraid to say "No" even it sounds selfish.

If I can begin everything right from the start..
I'll shall choose to me the way I am right now.
Maybe aloof, but never deceived.
Cold but had a beating warm heart to those willing to understand
and listen.

I might sound crazy or very emotional.
If love does makes us want to be a better person. 
I shall choose to wait and fight for it.
I might have to wait and finish what I wanted in life, before settling down.

The right guy, but not the right moment.
Perhaps.

I wish my life could be in a stable condition,
I wish people could understand how much in a crisis I am dealing with.

If people never cared about what I said, at least..
If you ponder upon this blog on 2014.
You shall understand, I have been through a lot.
I started to miss my family and close friends so very much.
It makes me think, how such selfish person I am when I am always stuck
on my own world, thinking on how to evade people...

sigh.

Well, this is a summary of the first three months of 2014.

Idios.