Friday, August 8, 2014

Alone.

Alone?
Such things we call as being physically left behind
maybe by people, or events.
I think life has a cruel but sweet intention for us.
It surprises us by making the beginning as hardest part to
go through.
You'll feel as if life is being a bitch, but actually,
It's a lesson and teacher at the same time.
God also give us HINT.
That He never LEAVES us feeling lonely.
It had come upon my attention that
GOD is really NICE, because
He Listens, and Feels our sorrow,pain,
Joy and Pleasure.
I tell you.
I was crying alone, but suddenly
my best friend sent me a chat message.
I wasn't expecting, but this is a sign that Allah
knows we want someone dear to us or 
those people who we missed so much to contact us.
I never lose faith in Allah.
He has a big plan for me.
That's why all of us are tested in an unexpected ways
and time.
I would rather shorten my lifespan and be useful to other human beings
than living in sins.
I am scared of hellfire. Of course.
I'm a sinner, but I am trying my best to have a Husnul Khatimah or
we called it "Happy Ending" in Dunyya..
I want my Afterlife is as good as my dad
and those who passed away before me.
I want Allah to grant me a "Jodoh" who would know how much
pain I kept inside trying to be the best person who I can be,
I need him to be near me.
Yes, I envy those who are married, as legal couple and no more
living in sins.
I want in 6 or 8 years from now, to get married with a guy 
that I found to be interesting and will complete the other half of me.
I hope he's already near.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Confessions

It's been like months since I last posted here.
I confessed, I was looking on things in life in a restricted
and conventional way.
Now, I am in mid of a crossroad.
Trying to figure out of which steps should I had taken
or at least have a perfect guideline of what to do next.
Right now, as matter of life and death: 
TO CHOOSE or WAIT.
Goals and Ambitions.
Love and Lust.
Glory or Defeat. 
Mixing up in my head.
I'm afraid to reflect what others had think or thought about me.
If confession are what people lived for?
Why people keep telling lies to themselves?
Why white lies exist and why not embrace painful truth?
Lies are still lies as it downgrades the power of justice.
You serve others with lies while deep inside you're hurting.
God, if lies are for the betterment?
Why the consequences makes others tripped into 
a journey of guilt and sins?
It's a thing to ponder upon.
My thought exist right now to clarify what I had gone through
last semester in college
and I still don't see any light or people that I hold on.
Call me a paranoid person.
Maybe a heartless bastard.
It's just a deep confession from me from now.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Stranded.

A life full of debts and living in fear.
It's not about how I am dealing with life here.
But the people.
The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own 
dark shadows.
Inner demons.
If there is such thing as freedom.
It's called "Truth"
Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free.
Free from being haunted or guilt.
I am willing to give myself away, for that
chance to be free.
Right now,
I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me.
Everyone around me has their own agenda.
Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma.
And I wonder, having a significant other right now..
does it make the situation really better? 
Life teaches us to be wise and resilient
but along the way,
the rise and falls..
It's lonely, it's dark..
and the ones who can save you is..
Yourself.
So think,
if I had a new order of time,
to reset all of my past mistakes.
I wouldn't do too much for others,
I wouldn't love others who will betray me,
I wouldn't keep trusting and be devoted as a dog.
In the end, there are ONLY TWO OUTCOMES:

1) You will get loved and appreciated when you needed people the most.
2) You will get backstabbed and bitten behind your back, with everything that you did..except, you are used    your name/reputation is tarnished.

Here, I am writing an awful truth about myself. I made mistakes along the way to get my goals. I had disappointed those who really care about me. I was really down on my knees this semester that I don't know where to begin again since some unexpected circumstances. It is hard for me to spit it out here as a blog is where I am trying to express what I had kept inside for so long.I had kept this feeling of being betrayed/used and disappointed with myself for so long.

Let me tell you something about myself.

I love speaking to the public, I love singing and I love writing or travelling alone and meeting new people.
Learning about life itself. In fact, the biggest dream in my life is to become a writer,language professor journalist or work on big media corporation such as Bloomberg, CNN or Google. 

I have a hobby, a dying passion to be free someday. I have a vision. where my life is not planned by others or being a slave to others. Believe me, I have tolerated and tried my best to make everyone happy. 
I believe I learn my limits that I cannot be there to satisfy everyone around me.
If there's a lesson about myself and how I should be living. I found a few important ones.

1) Don't trust people easily.
2) Don't fall in love deeply with guys who are not matured enough.
3) Don't enslave yourselves to others
4) Don't be afraid to stay "silent"
5) Don't be afraid to say "No" even it sounds selfish.

If I can begin everything right from the start..
I'll shall choose to me the way I am right now.
Maybe aloof, but never deceived.
Cold but had a beating warm heart to those willing to understand
and listen.

I might sound crazy or very emotional.
If love does makes us want to be a better person. 
I shall choose to wait and fight for it.
I might have to wait and finish what I wanted in life, before settling down.

The right guy, but not the right moment.
Perhaps.

I wish my life could be in a stable condition,
I wish people could understand how much in a crisis I am dealing with.

If people never cared about what I said, at least..
If you ponder upon this blog on 2014.
You shall understand, I have been through a lot.
I started to miss my family and close friends so very much.
It makes me think, how such selfish person I am when I am always stuck
on my own world, thinking on how to evade people...

sigh.

Well, this is a summary of the first three months of 2014.

Idios.