Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Oh 636.Hey.You.

636.
Yes.
You again.I hate you but I love you.
My head really loves you.My heart really hate you
and love you at the same time..
But love it..it still doesn't change a thing.
Love is a crazy thing for me.It made me smile.It made me cry.
It made me feel tormented.I just enjoy it to the extreme.
Hey..I'm just touched you say I'm a good girl.
Hey..I don't know how to make up with a guy,especially it's you.
I don't know what to do,step by step.Teach me eh?Not that 
I don't want to..I just really don't know how to.but I love the idea.
Hey..I talk dirty things,but never tempted practice it.
I'm not turn on yet to do 'turn-on-stuff'.
Making out is dirty eh?
Hey..I want to learn,teach and share a lot of things with you.
Hey..I think we can be good friends,if you can't except the fact I love you.
B'coz you are worth knowing.
That's okay.I always have been hurt like this,everytime I fight for the real thing,
some of it worth it.some of it never did work.some of it remain unspoken.
You drive my brain wild.I just really want to talk to you in real life..
It's so boring chatting with you.I want to see you again,
and nah,I'll be very open with you.
It's hard hiding my thoughts like this.everytime.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

#2: 636

Mr .R @ 636,
"Why love if losing hurts too much?It’s just nice to know someone is always there for us"
 — Yes.I never intended to fall in love with you.I never said a thing about being your girlfriend.I never want to hurt you.I’m tired of having relationship with guys,but I promise you,I can be your special someone,a best friend and lover at the same time.I’m ready to open up and let you in.But,will you walk your way in and do the same thing?I might be here for you now,but who knows,here right now..gone tomorrow?Maybe I’ll be dead or what.I don’t really care.I feel it’s useless not having someone special that I’ve been searching for.I’m always upset by the fact hearing so much rumors about you but I know you will somehow explain to me.I’m always here waiting.I go crazy for you laughter and voice.You deserve the world,but I can give you ME.I know..deep inside you,lies a very loving,exciting and unique character.I searched for that in every guy I’ve been flirting and playing around with..and I choose you.I allow you to touch me.feel me.because one thing,I love you.636.


"Unrequited love?No, it’s just you who smile and laugh recalling back memories with or without the person knowing."
 — Significantly,some of you guys and girls don’t believe in unrequited love.It does exist.I’ve been there and I did that.I don’t mind doing it again.I love someone with all my heart,I’m ready to let him go if he could prove to me,there’s a girl could love him better than me.I fall for his imperfections,his smile and his thoughts..not for looks and lust.I came upon him,not my intention to fall in love with him.He taught about things that I should learn in life and make my worst day to be a little brighter,but I’ve seen the vulnerable side of him.He doubt and keep wondering things so much.Too much questions.I love him,more than the things I could give in this world.I would fight for him.I would climb the walls for him.I’ll kill to see his laughter.I will only back off,only if he told me to do so.As a friend,I’ve fallen for him.I wish to welcome him and let him in..but will he do the same?I’ve yet to know.He’s unique and very one-of-a-kind guy.I admit,I don’t go for typical guys,I go for the hard ones.I hurt myself,because I think it’s worth it.I dare,dare to love again when I see the things that I want in a potential special someone.I’m tired of dating game as well.I’ve been thinking about getting engaged and married but my parents would be skeptical about it.Fuck relationship.Fuck commitment.I’m tired of guys and the break up aftermath thingy.They will throw all back at you and what you guys did together,and say hurtful things instead of letting go and wish all the best,remain with that person as friends which brings the best hope and things in life for that person.Why don’t you just laugh along about the past and moved on as a very good friend?I did that.I’m happy he moved on.I moved on.We both moved on,but we remain as good friends.Well,636.You have me now,I’m here for you..always here,no matter what role you want me to play in your life,no matter where ever you are and who you wish to be with.I love you.I miss you.636.
             

Monday, November 22, 2010

636

Yes.636.You.You.You.
I miss you!
I miss you!
I miss you!
I miss you!
I MISS YOU!

"I MISSSSSSSSS YOUUUUUUUUUU!"
-sigh-
I wish I could say that to you without crying on the phone.=(

Friday, November 19, 2010

Complicated Me.You.Us.We.

The time has come.
My real thoughts,feelings and perspectives
about you.
I know that I'm hard to read
and sometimes the walls surrounding me is so thick,
high and very hard to get inside.
No.I just hide it.I don't like getting hurt.
I'm fragile.I'm prone to be hurt myself
more than hurting other people around me.
I don't like being seen as vulnerable.
I'm that ego and bad.
Yes,the past is so painful.I got many history.
Many past,many issues.Many tragic,sad and
frustrating experience.
I seek for unplanned adventure,bypassing rules
and limits and strive for non-routine stuffs.
I love living in the world of flexibility and freedom.
Maybe I can share it
all someday with you or at
least someone complicated like you..
I'm don't allow people to read me,
I expect them to read me if I want to
and if only they really want to.
Be it my parents,siblings,close friends and anyone.
If not,just go to hell.I have that IDGAF atittude.
[I don't Give A Fuck]
The first time I saw you,
Yes.Undeniably I'm attracted to you,
the way you talk and smart looking.
But nah,fuck another eye candy.
My thoughts was saying:
"Every guy is just the same,all they do is
play away with girls,gain their trust
once they got it,they got suffocate,
choked,asphyxiated and go find
some other new adventure;
maybe they will dump that girl
and go for that adventure at the same time,
or..
adventure first,dump later.either one.
The cycle will keep going to repeat the game,
but the only thing changing is;
The player and the one who got played.
Am I right?
Yes,indeed.I know,been there,done that.
and I have fallen in love with some of
them unintentionally and I screw it up.
Act cold.Play the show.
Follow your own rules,concentrate at the moment.
You're broken-hearted right now.No time to flirt!"
That's my thought at that time.
At other hand,My heart was saying,:
"There's something about this guy.
 I don't know what it is,
but keep looking at him
with no direct reason.
I keep wondering.
Talk to him.No.Don't talk.
Shits always happen if you do that."
I can't never decide which one to follow.
So,I followed both,I never
want to bother talking nor making
a move to talk to you.
The only thing is,I see you keep
wanting to talk to me.
How persistent are you?
I want to know.
I have to be ignorant.
The show keep being played untill
the last day,8 October 2010.
Friday.
Well,finally...I was in the mood
to talk and socialize around with
the debaters.Ignore the show.
Smile.Be Happy.
It's the last day or maybe the last time
that I'll be seeing these
debaters around and this atmosphere.
I'm also thinking about quitting debate to
that day and change my course nex sem.
It's a sappy day actually.
So,I smiled when passing by you
as you are the one greeted me first.
And also,one thing..I noticed that you have
a tablet pc and
I forgotten that you have one
after that.lol.
Well,I'm so fucking jealous.
I never had one so far.Geez.
Sitting down with all the UiTM debaters.
I was kinda bored.So I decided to go online
in facebook using my phone.
Yes,very interesting.
Hmmm..You send me a friend request?
How did you manage to find me?
hmm.I don't know.Really.Through the
YS debate event page or you find me through
someone's FB?
I just approved it.I'll ask later.hmmph.
I don't want to think much.
So,later that day,I stumbled upon you
alone outside the theater hall and
that is the first time,I actually talked to you
and say,"Hey,*smiles* thank you for adding me
in facebook."
I smiled to myself after that.Phew.I didn't scew
it up and make the respond goes,
"What?Excuse me,what did you said?".
I don't like making other people blurr
when I talked too fast or not clear enough .
[kecik ati ku.mena.haha.]
I'm kinda nervous to talk for the first
time to someone new.So,hurray!I did it.
Yeah,not to forget about before going back,
I got hugged from a male debater
for the 1st time,which is you.
It will be the event and sweetest thing that
I will remember for the rest of my life.
Well,I just keep wondering;
Will I see you again around soon,or will I never ever see you again?
The first and last time..or the beginning of something?
A friendship or something beyond that.I don't care
and I don't want to care.
I admit.I don't like going physical...
I got my own reasons.Ask me personally.
be it with girls or guys.
I'm that choosy,stiff,numb esp when someone
*suddenly hugged/touch me so tightly* and I allow it,
If it is under some circumstances.
I don't know why,maybe it how my parents raised me up.
I'm not used of being hugged or kissed,doesn't matter...
But physical violence,yes.Tragic?I'm used to it already.
I got hugged and kissed once a blue moon and certain events.
Pathetic life of mine,isn't it?
I'm just weird and unique,very much different than other girl.
I think I'm worth to be in a novel or autobiography.
So much trouble,stupid crazy stuffs,random,evil and
experience that I had in my life that can be translated
into a book.
Yea,yea.So that weekend,
I went back home,
Seeing my dad had replaced
my big bulky,black and white screen monitor
to a BenQ FP92W Wide-Screen LCD.
19 Inch.It make me happy.
The first thing I did is to go online,
and when it comes to facebook,
I was opening your page and decide
to post something on the wall,
because,it a very cool and weird fact
to meet a guy which share the same 
B'date with me,6th June.
Now,the show is  getting a bit exciting.
Remember that I posted ;
"Hey,We share the same b'day date 6,June =DD"
and at the same time,
I received something in my inbox
Subject:Hey.

Gemini too! :)

Hey, do you have MSN or YM or Skype? 
Just wondering how else I could talk to you,
because FB messages are slow 
and I'm spectacularly impatient :)
Only if you want to, though. Not going to force you.

Well,of course..I replied that I have all of those
IM's and give away my ID.
and another reply not long after that,

:O
No way.6th June,WTF.
Ok,you'd better be online these days to talk. 


Later,there you go posting  on my wall,
"We're cool 6.6 people :)"

From that moment,yea..
I don't know really what to expect,but I know..
Yes,A complicated guy..but  how complicated is he?
Chances to get knowing a guy like you is rare and
I guaranteed myself ,you're not boring to be with,
exciting to be penetrate deep down inside  and 
it's so nice to meet a gemini,a complicated character.
Just like myself.A mixture of multi-personality person.
It's like getting to know 2-in-1 within a single person.
I will find many things that excites me each day about you.
They are the best people to explore and
get to know,but the problem is..they tend to hide a parchment 
of themselves,their true self,vulnerable side and sometime real 
thoughts,just to please others or not burdening people.
and also their past and whatever that goes inside their mind,
giving other people hard time to understand them,
and also some seen as a scattered and confused character,
but yet can do something out of nothing,
We can set up a show and play along with it.
Doing mindless stupid thing and can't get enough regretting
when in deep shit or stuck in our own mess.
Keep wishing and wanting things in life for more,yet taking what what 
we have best in possession for granted.
Sometimes,when we realize something..it's too late to do anything already.
Flirtatious.yes.We are just searching for the best and 
getting to know the person further,before deciding our 
mind."Pick and choose?" or "Choose and pick"?
Sometimes I do both.I regret doing that.=.=
Commitment and Relationship are things that we take 
seriously,once we make up our mind..and sometimes,
the relationship fail b'coz of shits happens,suffocated,
going nowhere,no more chemistry,no more spark,
get bored or at least screw it up by ourself and regret
for taking granted of the person we claimed to love,
but we betrayed them.
The worst thing that ever happened to me is
falling in love with someone close,being there with him
for years and years,seeing him happy,making him laugh 
but I forced not to tell him anything about my feelings
under some circumstances and it's against my principles.
and I find a hard time to let go of myself from his shadow
but I manage to do it somehow.
It hurts not to tell someone that we actually loved them,
care for them while we are very,so much close.
Simply b'coz I don't want to lose him.
Sometimes,it make me think,loving someone doesn't really
need to be in a relationship,a commitment.
We just need to love and let go.If the person comes back to us,
the persons is ours.No regret.No doubt.
But for me,I did that thrice..still the same thing happen.
I give up,I don't fuck care about loving and dating.
I changed a lot since then. 
All I do is flirt and being a heart -breaker.
I agree on falling in love or loving someone
makes you a better person,exuberant,change all the bad things
about yourself for the person
so they can accept you,you remain to be there through 
thick and thin for that person,wishing them know you 
do exist in their life and hope that person sees you 
and never make you feel as if "invisible"..
but the downside,yes..when circumstances & shit happens,
you become upset,tired,misunderstood,prone to jealousy,
even the word LOVE you will hate to hear,
not forgotten to be mentioned about is;
seeing happy couples around and start saying,
"I don't need a couple,and if I want I can get it anytime and anywhere"
as by deep down inside,you always know that;
It's hard to find love.
It's hard to find chemistry.It's always easy to flirt,play around,
making it look as if we're dead serious and somehow
get bored later.-.-"
It's hard to find someone that is always there for you
no matter what,listening to your problems,
all the boring stuff that people hate hearing from you,
It's hard to find someone to adapt and accept all sided of you.
It's hard to find something that is based on purity and sincerity.
Jodoh.If I can interpret it for you what I think it is,
based on my experience and what I had gone through,
It is written in Destiny and based of on our Fate,
No such things as coincidence. 
That person will be closer than we never think it is,
She/he might be our potential soulmate or at least 
someone who wants you for a change 
for the better things that you deserve in life,
It can be short-while and worth it.
It can be long,full of ups and down and 
you feel like ending your life when it is over.
It can be upsetting and frustrating but worth fighting for.
It is said that they always come in unexpected moment,
make you smile,be there for you no matter how bad
do you think life will crumbling down on you
and it's always up to you to
open your eyes look around for that special someone.
It is also said that,they come as our equivalent half self state ;
If you're a good person,you'll end up with someone good.
If you're bad,you'll end up with someone bad.
If you're mixture of both?You'll find the same type too.
We just need to open up our hearts,which I think 
sometime is hard coz I always love people using my head first,
and then connect it to his soul,heart and body.
I assume that deep inside me,lies this principle:
"Dance with my mind,and then you can dance with my body."
All this while,suddenly I found out that it happens that 
my parents knows about your family and how much did they know,
I don't really know.
I know that I've been staring and passing your house,
every single Raya.We will know about it 
if I bring them to your house during Raya
next year.
I'm sorry that I've fallen in love with you.
It seems like a bad thing for you.
I can't give you anything except my ear to listen to your thoughts,
my smile,my out of this world thoughts and opinions,my laughter,
at any part time of the day or night it is or anytime if you need me,and 
all of this,just to see your smile,hear your laughter,make you happy
and become a better person 
with or without me as something in your life..
despite what people think or say about you,
I can see what other people can't see inside you.
because of just like what you said,
"I'm complicated.and so are you" =)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

BOOMBOX

BOOMBOX.Sounds like I'm mad eh?Nope.
It's a song from The Lonely Island ft. Julian Casablancas.
I have fallen in love with this song lyrics.
Music UNITES us all.Music knows no boundary.Music has its meaning
and value to us.It represent us all in every aspect and angle of life.
Music = P.I.E
Powerful.Influencing.Enchanting.
I listen to songs not only when I'm happy or in love but
when I'm sad,mad,depress,heart broken,
and disturbed.
I still have the feeling to just want to be a musician someday.
Be it a singer,composer or songwriter.
and at least join and play in a band in my lifetime.
I just want to get myself involve in music.I love singing.
not in the shower.but in my room,in front of the mirror.
I wish I could sing in front millions and entertain others,
but I'm just afraid that if suddenly I can't hold enough breath
and spoil the song.
It has been my passion.My dream.
It has driven me to learn playing the piano,flute,harmonica,
gambelan,drum so far and I want to keep learning
playing all the instruments
that exist  in this world..including Ocarina,Accordian,
and harp.
the thing is right now,I want to learn playing guitar 
and sing in front of my friends and my loved ones.
I feel so helpless to hold and prick a note while
the guitar is in my hand.
Singing relieves your stress and anger,sadness and 
tears.So sing whatever song that pleases your heart.=)




Monday, November 15, 2010

I wish.

Dear Diary,

[haha..such typical way to blog in a melancholic state]
I have a description of my own inner demon,my doppelganger
Some of these days,I want to go back my wild self again
and hit the clubs[If only I can] or do some mindless crazy shit.
I have the urge to hear loud music and just move my body around.
Pretend to get drunk.Inhale back those sick poisonous stuffs that I use to do.
misusing legit drug and get addicted like hell.haha.
oh,I love getting that "where-am-I,why-I-feel-so-light-and
as if floating,why-the-lights-are-so-beautiful-
and-that-makes-me-like-flying-laughing-so happy" sensation.
and feeling very blurr the next day.
Getting my head hurt and my mind blank.

Falling asleep at the wrong time and inappropriate place.
Sneaking and spending around with illegal stuff.
Bypassing curfew hours and authority.
Play around with some hot smart cute boy all at the same time and
just leave them wanting me more.I need some really 'wild time' right now.
I wanted to just go crazy and do whatever I want to do
to please myself right now.

I hate being restricted,c'mon fuckers..
LISTEN to what I SAY,not what I DO.
I'm trapped.Do you think I can tolerate be nice and patient all the time?
You keep talking about your LIMIT,but what about mine?
I have my own RESTRICTION and LIMIT too.
I'm not an ANGEL,yet I'm not the DEVIL too.
Just that,I'm only a human.A complex one.
I can't be PERFECT,
but I promise that I can keep being TRUTHFUL and PURE
to myself no matter what.
Deep inside me,I have a highly wild,naughty side.PLEASE let me do what I want to do
so that I don't do what I wish not to do in the first place.
My INTENTIONS is always being perceived badly.
EVERYTHING that I did for you is WRONG huh?
Do you realize that,I won't learn anything if I don't experience it myself?
I am who I am,because of my troubles in the past,my negative attitude and
bad habits that I struggle so hard to diminish it for years..
I'm BROKEN into millions of shattering pieces everywhere but
when I got FIXED up,I grew much more stronger.
I have my PRINCIPLE.Respect it,please.
Don't you know that I can see and feel things?
Why don't you just have that FAITH in me?
I believe that's the only GIFT you can ever give to me.
Some of you,keep talking about LOVE and PLAYER stuff huh?
I will always have to find someone
to appreciate my thoughts,
my intentions,respect my INDIVIDUALITY,and
someone to care,tease,joke,to go crazy and out of this world,
and fits me in every complicated way I am.It is not easy
coz you're not the one walking my shoes,living my life for me.
so STFU.Thanks.
What do you know about a PLAYER?
They have their own issues from the past,
problems and deep inside them,
they are vulnerable in their own ways and weak points,
some of them are just some bunch helpless lonely creature,
seeking fun in way of unintended guilty pleasure.
looking for the long lost light and hope
Just that they don't want the whole world to know and see it.
Therefore,don't say that they can't THINK and don't realize what
they are doing.
Yes,in fact,indeed they can think and know what are they doing.
Sooner or later.Self-consciousness or when in luck,someone come into their life,
and make their heart and head fixed up.
They are labeled as "B.A.D" person.
in which meaning,Building Aimless Destruction.
I don't think they want to be BAD in the first place,
in some circumstances,they choose to be bad to let it all out
and carry own living with their life
regardless of what people will say about them,
seeking new experiences & challenges,and some just fail to control their attitude
and get so ADDICTED & STUCK in their own mess.
Been there,done that.So I can understand.
and I really hate people spreading bad things and news about others without
knowing the truth yet.GET to know me
or the person you're talking about DEEPLY first.
Stop SKIMMING through the surface,bitches!
and than only you can put JUDGMENTS and LABELS.
I don't think if you meet me once or twice,
or don't really have a sincere,heart-to-heart conversation everytime we talk,
you can really describe,interpret,or judge me accurately.
I can determine whether if it's GENUINE

or a FAKE one.
When I'm in my BAD side,NOBODY can influence me and
stop me from anything that might happen.
If I did anything wrong in that state,
because I want to AND I take the risk,after much thinking
or didn't have any idea at all; a M.U.N situation
[mindless uncertain notoriety]
I hate people saying my friends or people around me
shaped me into doing these kinds of things..
There are even times,when I make people and trick them doing into
these stuffs.
Having a wide and many social circle different groups of friends is fun,
I met a lot of cool,funny,unusual,unique characters,loving,charming,
the good and bad ones,I learn to adapt and accept a lot things and
personalities from them.
and they remain as my close and best friends until now.
"There's always good in evil,bad in good,light in darkness,
darkness in light,and not all good people is really guaranteed
to have no evil intentions unless you're like the Prophet,
Nabi Muhammad S.A.W." -Moon Xyle-

Until then.Life is an adventure but you choose how the way
it was,how the way it is and how it is going be.=))

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Randomenss # 1

I think:


  • I live in my own crazy lunatic random world of unplanned adventure and actions.
  • I don't like to be too girlish.I don't like being too boyish either.
  • I like keeping my mouth shut when my head is too confused or worried but it hurts to do that.
  • I hate to burden people with my trouble,untill trouble kills me slowly.
  • I love Star Wars but aslo still I think Star Trek is cool.
  • I love Dante's attitude but I lust for Vergil cold and when he slashes using his fucking awesome yamato says,"die!"
  • I cried for my dad's voice saying,"pa polah?" when I miss him and yearn for my mom's praise for years if I'm away from them for too long.
  • I love Katanas,Revolver,swords but I hate dagger and arrow and bow.
  • I picture the perfect date is to laugh,tease,sing,and talk all the time with that special someone.
  • I feel like wanting to duet a song with anyone who's serious in singing.
  • Friendhip and dating are related somehow.
  • I want to be a very L337 in my community and start my own haxoring group.
  • My roomates is the best roomate ever.They don't give a shit on what I'm doing and so helpful.They cheer me up in a very unique way.
  • I feel happy when I have money and when I'm broke I feel so miserable.
  • My bestfriends is still my bestfriends.
  • My ex is still my ex but he's trying to ruin my life by giving away my handphone number to get my attention again.This is what happens when a player mets an ex player.
  • I want to eat ice-cream goreng and stop eating instant noodle.
  • I should go wild and run while screaming at the beach saying,"I'M FREE!"
  • I should ask my dad to buy a new phone or give anything that is touchscreen for me.
  • I want to spent my time playing games but I have so much chores,work to be done.
  • I feel like playing Spore and Supermarket mania till I feel satisfied.
  • I want to do something from the anarchy and test it.
  • I fall in love with a fictional tv series character Glee.which is Artie.He's so good in raping and nerdish/smart/geeking looking with a voice.Aww.[even tho he uses a wheelchair in that tv show].<>
  • I want to have my own channel in youtube and be an internet star.
  • I still think Ryan Tedder is one of my favourite composer and admired him a lot.
  • I feel like watching Love Story 2050 again

and so on..alu gila.hahah.XDD

Eenie Meanie

Listening to that song again,
yea,I feel like an eenie meanie.
I always feel bad,no matter what.
Sometimes,I think that:

-I have a very inaccurate 6th Sense
-I have the feeling of dejavu and when it happen it's too late to realize it.
-I should have stop trusting my own feeling and trust my thoughts
-I should be more emotional attached in expressing myself
-I must be more polite in my words..?wtf?
-I should have a katana at my home so that I can make people scared of me?
-I should be dead earlier,when I think I'm useless

My head is full of nonsense and illogical stuffs.I'm so like emotionless right now.
I feel nothing.I wish life would just go ahead and left me behind.
Depressed?no.I'm just saying things that I'm trying to say but I can't say
in front of people.
I feel guilty to everyone,I feel guilty for the things that I've done,
I feel sorry for myself.

Risk.Hope.Love.Smile.LAUGHTER.

I'm sorry,sorry..

I'll be fine.I just need time to thing and evaluate and feel things.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Everything has come to an end

Sounds like I'm going to commit suicide eh?
No.Not yet.I won't kill myself yet.
I feel so stress nowadays.Cry myself to sleep.
Don't worry,sanity is still in me but I feel derailed minded nowadays.
I don't think my home is a "home sweet home",sometimes is like a prison.
Packing my stuff,to begone from the hostel by this Friday night.
I miss someone very dearly now.His jokes.His laughter.His smile.His Voice.
His random thoughts.His hug.Everything about him.
The 1st and only guy who sings for me at skype at the middle of the night.
Some other day,I'll sing a song for you too..=)
I have this feeling of..idk,it's a deep and sad as if I can't meet him again
maybe untill next year.It's just my thought,instinct or what...?
I miss you.I miss you.Miss you.Miss you.Miss you.
Some other things are also messing up my head right now.
They make me sad,worried and so wanting-to-give-up-in-my-life feeling.
I can't list them all here.It will me make look so weak.
heh.I hate to say this..
but..
I feel so sad right now,faking a smile and laughing while inside me is dying.
Help.=((

p/s:oh,yea..before I end my post.
I got this song stuck playing in my head,Ku Seru (OST PHSM)
"Oh..Dengarlah Sayu Tangisanku
Mengapa Degupanmu Ku Seru
Kerna Kesepian
nan Terlalu
Kembalikan Hidup Yang Ku Rindu~


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Do you believe in magic?

I don't believe in magic,
but I believe in miracle.
So much drama in the few weeks and
how time flies,
hostel life
is coming to an end in 3 days.*sobs sobs*
Sometimes I don't know what to believe in,
and yet where do I stand at life,
seeing your own past,mistakes
and everything overthrowing back at you..
just like something that is going back against
what I did and say in the past.
I'm mistake.I'm trouble.As to people,
and myself as well.
I don't know why it seems that,
Life is hard sometimes,and sometimes I feel my
head is lighter,when I feel so damn careless about everything.
There's even a time where I do not fuck care about anything or anyone.
except myself and I have this burden of carrying my own problems
till everything crumbles over me.
The problem is I don't really trust people around me.
They think I'm too weak,they tend to monopolize you in
the things that they see in you as exploitable vulnerable loopholes.
I have a really serious paranoid
that they will say everything that I did is all WRONG
and not being RESPONSIBLE.C'mon.Give me a space to voice out myself.
shit.
If there's so much love in me,there's so much hate too.
I have a fantasy right now.
Quitting this life and go to a new galaxy,start a new whole life
in a new identity,whereby I can use light saber to fight
and see Star Troopers dancing while I sit in my throne.
nah.Palak ku tension abis tok.
What the hell.Star wars in my head right now.
I guess I'm so tension about exams paper.
I wasted 5-7 marks in political science.
Hostel.Friends.Past Love issues.Exams.
[fuck that Singporean guy and the KL guy]
They're still being dickhead bastards.I'm clearly ignoring them,
and I did say my nicest farewell to them..
My parents.Debate.
Fly me to the sky,you'll be forever in my debt.
Let's be B.A.D and R.A.P.E others to the wild.
[Buidling Aimless Destruction and Releasing Anger Passionately Enjoying.]
I'm feeling like oh..so pissed off too right now.
Yes I am.

In conlclusion,there's no such thing as magic but only miracle exists.
Save me from this insane heartbreaking life.I beg you.
...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Acceptance of denial

How hard is it to accept?
Acceptance for all the things that we wish doesn't happen?
and how far would you go to make you feel better?
Some things are better left unsaid but yet,I do want to speak it out.
Why does it hurts so badly when we see someone we used to love
and we just wish to talk back to them,but we can't..
The hatred between both of the party involve or could it be something else?
I'm still wondering until today.
I treasure friendship and I would love to be friends with him again.
Yes,I'm really looking cold and so emotionally-detached,
I don't deny that,and it's a true thing.Full stop.yeah.
A typical way to display such a duality that is embedded within me.
To tell the truth,vulnerabilities are better yet hidden or
people will get to exploit you,used you and throw you away like the rubbish.
And trust,it's a very none tangible thing that only time and sincerity can prove that.
As it is,I wonder..




Yes,this is my one of weaknesses,maybe one of my biggest issue..
letting go of someone,even things are obviously clear that we should back off.
It's hard just to leave,you can just block their profile,delete the phone numbers,
and dang..you saw that person again in real life,the one you used to spend your time,laughter,
sadness or tears with..you feel so like,wow..
*A train just hit you*
*you survived*
*he sees you*
*you tried to smile*
*he already moved his eyes and head somewhere else*
*you look down*
* he secretly stares at you*
*you look back*
*he gives you a blank empty look*
*wtf?you just played that game along*

*you give him a blank expression*
-silent moment-
*Are we somehow like arch enemies?
or just a very ego broken-hearted ex lovers
that either way make things worst*


The question still hunts me till right now.
I feel so bad and good at the same time.
Complicated enough to explain the scenario exactly.=DD