Sunday, October 31, 2010

Trust.

Trust.I think we as the gemini has a lot of issues
regarding trust.Some learn about it the hard way,
and such a very tormenting moment that had to be gone
through,just for the sake of learning,
"What's trust?
What to do with it when we have it?
If we have it,can we manipulate it?
If we twisted the truth a bit,here and there..
will it be a bad thing for us?Why is it so fun to enjoy
the show while hurting other and it's so addicting?
and why it hurts the people so much when we did
something to abuse it?"

I think about it.All day.Despite I'm wasting
my time,doing all those geekish stuff and having fun
chatting around with someone special in my life right now.
Yeah,he's special coz he can understand how I feel
to be inflicted with such complex duality that exist upon me and him.
and I just love him as the way he is.
Back to the topic.
Trust.Fuck it,a guy..
who been abusing my trust.He's not even my ex.
He's nothing in my life,tho we are related genetically.
I trust people too easily.The reason why I should be paranoid
in real world as a haXor should be in this issues as well.
Playing the role as a good individual is tough.To expect
people will do the same thing,with the same intention
wasn't right,it doesn't happened all the time.
Get time to know people,we don't know what lies beneath
the surface.He might look like,oh.."You can trust me,don't worry"
and I believed him.I was not thinking twice giving a chance and
fix things up.What makes me into his words of pathetic life is:
"It's my responsibility as a guy and cuzzie to help you"
Hah.screw me too.
Probably what I did in the past,the people I've hurt,
the bad habits that I did,and how I disappoint them.
I finally learn after a long battle struggling
what's inside of me,my other inner demon.
My sins.The malady of myself.
I'm just being punished for what I commit in the past.
So much things that I wish to undo,but I can't.
It take me years to learn from my own mistakes.
Here I spoke to the world that,I just want to be a better person.
I don't mind telling what lies inside me in this blog,
It's the way how I express some sort of things that bother me.
All day and that just pisses me off.
This thing will heads to another serious thing,
it will tainted my name,pride and image in a very bad way.
I don't want my bad name in the past will be any worser.
No one will help me if this thing really happens.
No one can't me live my life or live for me if I'm in deep shit.
God gives you strength but it's always up to you to rebuild your life up.
The choices is always something we have to decide,where to head,
and what to do.
I am,just hoping and hoping..he realize what he had done to me
is absolutely WRONG.For god sake,we as human are
given a choice not to destroy other people life,if we didn't
get what we want in life.Leave them alone.
I don't know how to explain this accurately in english,
but there's been an Islamic quote saying,
"Satu kebaikan itu akan dibalas dengan sepuluh lipat kali ganda kebaikan"
or I think the translation is,
"God will repay one small act of kindness/deed with ten times more of it"
yes,what I can explain and relate to the quote is..
It's better for me to stay quiet and just tell him to back off.
It makes me happy.It makes him sad.
but if that sadness makes him realize what he did is wrong.
It will be a deed for me.I'm not sadichist.A term that I
derived from masochist and sadistic.
I still have a heart.I know,I still have one.
Yea.I hate to hate people,but this is what I do
when people starting to hate me.
I want to change,and am changing..
trying to be more matured and not doing any
stupid things that might hurt the ones
and the bad things that I did,which I think
was cool and was so much addicting..
I can't even stop myself from doing it,
till I lose somebody that loves me very much.
Serves me well.It did hit me so hard till
I wanted to end this life badly.
All he wanted in me was a change in my bad character.
Change for the good things that I deserve in life.
I learn many things from him and we both have moved on.
As for what I mentioned in my other blog,
I don't want to refer him as my ex,he's still one of my close friends..
and it will stay that way till the day I die.The flame has faded away,
but friendship will never ends.
I hate it when I give too much trust,too much warmth in
my sincere intention,just to have somebody I called a friend
abusing my trust around,for his own sake and self-satisfaction.
Some ideas to describe what's burning inside of me now:
:













They're ain't just a picture,they have deep
meaning lies within them.

Picture paints a thousand words.Agree
much?

The words are haunting and exactly describe
how I feel,

as the way I was,as the way I am and as the
way I will be...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sappy

It's the combination of the word "happy" and "sad"
It's always the thing in me..hahaha.Stop it.
I'm sad that letting go of something and someone,
and also the past,
The past is something I can't forget,
and no matter how bad or screwed up I am,
it's always me,myself and I picking up the pieces that was
scattered and rebuild myself up.
It's like how I'm trying hard not to do anything that
will ever contradicted myself but failed..but,
I managed to find strength and solution while in deep shit.
I'm wondering why sometimes that it is always like that.
The way geminians sees the world is DIFFERENT.
We are different coz we are complex and hard to predict.
We have similarity in our behavior and the way we think.
How are we struggling battling our own self and self-contradiction
idiosyncrasy.
and I believe,most of us have our own inner strength
that we never even realized in possession,
It always lies within us.
Well,I'm feeling really old for my age.I read too much stuffs
and analysis and philosophy about humans.
Uhhh..
well,I want to concentrate my mind on the things I suppose to do.
My final Exam.Wish me luck.
I'll do my best in all my papers.=))

Good luck and All the best for my beloved friends.Chaiyok2!

Monday, October 18, 2010

As the manisfesto has stated well.

Well,let's face this:
No matter how sick I am,the idea of hacking or cracking or anything related to cybercrimes is something that I enjoy more than anything.My guilty pleasure.
Exploring deep inside our underground world,it has been tainted by a documentary called "code 2600" as it's going to be release in 2011.
Someone has change the real official trailer
and make our image looks
as bad as shit retarded dickhead.
It was supposedly a very
great trailer to explain our subculture,
and types of hackers and the history that lies within in

since the thing we called as "computer" is invented,
and the term "hack" is derived since the
1950's.
Somehow,I just discovered,the trailer has been changed.

It's just a huge disappointment to see it has been replaced by another misleading trailer.Take a look:


Is it really that bad?I'm a bad impact to society?huh?I terrorize the world huh?
I can stalk whoever I want in every way that I wanted.
So does it mean that I should go to jail?
I might have the access to all those H/P/V/A/C
and all those you called as illegal stuffs.

But that doesn't mean that I'm a very bad person.Yea,I might consider myself
neither too good nor bad.
The media had made a lot statements and misconception about a true hacker image.They are making people believing that hacking is worse than mass genocide,worse than any serial killer and murderers including rapist,considered by the law to be scum of the scum,below the level of a pedophiles,below any single entity that humanities criminality that has been done in our world history so far.This is where hacking is seen on most law systems.Believe me,we are being misinterpreted and looked down by most mass media and society.Example.When a hacker is brought before the law for hacking and shutting down a pedophilia site, he is well and truly fucked just for being a hacker, while the pedophile will walk free. Hackers are hated for a number of
reasons, Hear me,I will list a few that seem the most plausible.

1) As a general rule, public servants, especially cops, tend to
be inbred hicks with a level of education to match their IQ.
Hackers tend to have the same level of education, but tend to
be countless times more intelligent.

2) Hackers are the only group of people to have up till now put
all form of racial and sexual discrimination behind them. We are
more united and unbiased then any religion and hippie colony
and any Law System would like people to think.

3) Hackers are just the epitomy of perfection in the human race,
we are what every body else wants to be, free and evolved. Rapists
and murderers are still a part and product of society, society needs
them as much as they need society. Hackers have broken all ties with
society and its biases, its miseducation. Hackers are the new breed
of human, and as through out history, anything seen as near
perfection
will be destroyed by the countless uneducated
hordes of humanity.


Referring to this post title,I still believe in our famous manifesto
made by The Mentor,written in 8th January 1986

as it the best way to describe our thoughts and perception
and this is how hackers are alike in some ways.
We are connected to each other,we need each other to survive and explore.
We are united.

Our idiosyncrasy lies within every end each of our people
whereby this manifesto is used represent

a piece of me and every hacker that exist in this world.
This manifesto has been accepted
officially in our own very underground world.
You need to know,we ain't that bad.

We're just special in our own way.Whatever has driven us to get involved with hacking and being labelled as a hacker,we still have something in common in our manifesto and goal.Many of us have different ways of getting started into this world of hacking.It could be a bad experience of being hacked,high level of curiousity about how a system work and simply trying something new with the computer/digital system etc.I present the most famous original manifesto was made by The Mentor,LOD/LOH written on January 8,1986:

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Conscience of a Hacker
aka The Hacker's Manifesto
by
The Mentor
LOD/LOH
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager
Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank
Tampering"...
Damn kids. They're all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,
ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what
made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
I am a hacker, enter my world...
Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of
the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...
Damn underachiever. They're all alike.

I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers
explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it,yet it bored
me to listen it again and again.I
"No, Mr/Mr.s X I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..."
Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.

I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this
is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me...
Or feels threatened by me...
Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.

And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board
is found.
"This is it... this is where I belong..."

I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...

You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food
at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let
slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by
sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach
found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the
desert.

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch,
the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without
paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering
gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us
criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist
without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you
call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat,
and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're
the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive
me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this
individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This is my favorite documentary and how it really
inspires me.-> Click here to watch
I'm not a typical teenager and girl.
I rather spent a lot of time in from of the computer
or something that interest me for hours and days.
I rather keep quiet than talking sometimes.I enjoy making discoveries and learning from my own mistakes.
I know how to manipulate people and do social engineering.
I do rebel against authority and bypassing rules & system
that I think is unnecessary.Describe me now.
So,yeah..Duality is me.I'm a duality.=DD





Transhumanism

It sounds like I'm thinking Science and Technology
can improve human thinking and behavior..more than God does.
Well,I think Trans humanism is a good idea despite it
has some disadvantage and will bring an existence
to a new subculture,subhuman.
Think about those mind uploading and A.I robots [Androids]
if they really can exist in the future.
I would love to be immortalize in the cyberworld or as a program,
or immortalize someone that I love and care..
I want myself and them to exist forever,even after death..
We can study human behavior and pattern,
how would they react and response..
and somehow,write a program to create their
"virtual self" or compile it to an android,
to make uncanny valley a supported theory.
Just like talking to our own conscience,
or "other" people conscience.
I have that vision in my head,
that mind uploading might be practiced in the future.
It's not that impossible.Just imagine how it can be.=)
I know,I'm a bit obsessed with some techy stuffs theories,
and I can't stop thinking about it..
People might say I'm weird,but it's just the way I am,
No one can change the way how I think.=D

Friday, October 15, 2010

Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility

I'm definitely gonna join that,
Woah,my entity and identity in the cyberworld belongs to
all those h4xor and I have devoted years just to learn those forbidden knowledge.
Here's something to share about my double life:

CPSR empowers computer professionals and computer users to advocate
for the responsible use of information technology and empowers all who
use computer technology to participate in the public debate. As
technical experts, CPSR members provide the public and policymakers
with realistic assessments of the power, promise, and limitations of
computer technology. As an organization of concerned citizens, CPSR
directs public attention to critical choices concerning the
applications of computing and how those choices affect society.

By matching unimpeachable technical information with policy
development savvy, CPSR uses minimum dollars to have maximum impact
and encourages broad public participation in the shaping of technology
policy.

According to one of my cookbook,

Every project we undertake is based on five principles:

* We foster and support public discussion of and public
responsibility for decisions involving the use of computers in
systems critical to society.

* We work to dispel popular myths about the infallibility of
technological systems.

* We challenge the assumption that technology alone can solve
political and social problems.

* We critically examine social and technical issues within the
computer profession, nationally and internationally.

* We encourage the use of computer technology to improve the quality
of life.



Isn't that cool?hell praise yeah..
I feel so geekish now and yet,so..happy to know such organization exist
in this world!!CPSR wait for me =DDDD

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Confused.

Well,A gemini girl is surely a very confusing and confused person.
Maybe because of the things that happen and some truth is out,
forcing her to be such a mess in making decision..
Like it or not,I still have to say..
I missed someone,I missed him.But he doesn't care.
I would not be a debater and even enroll myself to study..
to motivate myself,if not because of him.
Maybe my love for him as faded away,but the history
will remain.
Well,-sigh-

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I think..

Yeah2..I think about writing my point of view of life.
So here it is,despite it doesn't have anything related to Duality.
I'm so like,uh..been thinking a lot till I got stressed out and go haywire.

When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?How hard life could be?"

**********************
Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.We will always have a choice,whether to be or not to be,whether it is or isn't,simple right?

**********************
Without some goal and some effort to reach it, no one can live.

**********************
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

**********************
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

**********************
Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

**********************
To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all .

**********************
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

**********************
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

**********************
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

**********************

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cheap.

Define Cheap.
It could be cheap in terms of price and cheap in terms of you
"publicize" yourself to the public,your image,pride and self value.
Not that I'm trying to say that I'm cheap or I'm too proud of myself.
Just that the word "cheap" makes me think.
People say that I'm too choosy in picking up guys as my boyfriend.
The time has not come yet,the right person is not in front of me.
bla3..dilly dally shilly shally.C'mon.This blog is to express
the duality in me.
Talking about cheap,
Hell,today's my lucky day!
I got free foods,rides and I bought a nice looking pants for just RM10 coz
I was digging through the ocean of pants.Well,I was crazy seeing a RM30 material
got sold for RM 5.OOOOOHHHH..this is shit.nice.
I don't have those pants and my mom was,"yeah,u can have those"
So,Cheap is the way of life.just in terms of buying a high price to a lower price.
hahaha.
So ta-da!..
I founded and owned my happiness from the morning till night time.
Happiness is kinda rare in this week.ahaha.
Sad and happy.Warm and cold.A typical gemini.=DD

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Yayasan Sarawak Debate World Style 2010

Yes,this is my first time joining a Debate Tournament University Level.
Hahahaha.[suk ati duhal]
I see a lot of hot stuff and nice looking guys.
That's not the main point,tho I'm single but I'm not available.
Yes,I closed my heart.I will remain single till the day,
I can say "Sincerity and Chemistry goes along together,
and I can see that in a guy right now."
Who fucking cares if what I feel right now is a bit of unrequited love
or crush or whatever it is?
Love make you stronger and want to be a better person.=))
but I here,emphasize..it's better to stay out from a relationship,
I mean,a romantic one.
Duality,again.Oh shit.He removed me from his friend on FB.
Okay,now I really,really have to move on.MOVE ON.
I was the Prime Minister today's Motion.Wow..for the first time,
in a real tournament.
I admit,I kinda annoyed with a guy who ask me a lot of POI.
I was very distracted.Distraction.
and I actually answered 4 POI..idk,and I give just 1 POI.
I thought to be the 3rd or 4th place..
but,
here it goes,we got 2nd place.^_^
Lucky and Alhamdulillah.
The best part is,:
I actually feel not nervous,pressure change me.Circumstances changes me.
I think talking in front of people is actually,nothing..that is making me,
nervous.They're human.not aliens.Mind controlling and settings is important.
We think that we will be nervous,and for the real thing
we will be nervous as well..
So,don't think.Just act cool.Chill babe.
There's a debater who thinks that "Thinking is a waste of time"
sometimes,yes..it's a waste of time.
Sometimes,no..it's VERY inimical.Hear me.
I suffer from being impulsive sometimes.
I end my post today with a quote from Michelangelo,
"The Greatest danger for most of us is not we aim to high,
and miss it,but we aim too low and reach it"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I want to "die" now but not yet.=D

Gezz.Wow.I'm glad that I'm a gemini once in a while.
I have many haters and some like minded friends at the same time.
I can see some of them right now and also some of them in the past.
Yeah,yeah..Haters.Who fucking cares about them?
Unless they made your life in big trouble,
jeopardizing your future and make you stay mad at them for a long period of time.
Right now,I think I'll refrain myself from having a boyfriend.It hurts a lot.
You know how hard to find the missing part of yourself,
I mean the other significant other who truly understands you?It's frigging HARD.
No one could stand me,unless they get to know the many sided of me.
Yeah,sometimes I have several love affairs at the same time.
Crushes and I never probably date them,exception for my beloved ex,
who has taught a lot of things and who really likes to criticize me,
for what has happened,the way I am and all the imperfectness about me.
He's one of my history and still remain as my friend until now.I admired
him for his words and intelligence.Yup.
As for my previous 29 Days Love or Hakim,
He's the best boyfriend that I ever had and it hurts a lot to recall those memories
together.He captivated me just in a week.I have fallen in love with him,through his actions and the way he treats and nurtures me.
Hah.I'm tired of having to involve in relationship at the moment.
I will just go with the flow.Sincerity and chemistry goes along together,
and is non-tangible thing,don't you agree?
Talk about study.I need.I'm in despair.I feel helpless.
MAT112 a.k.a business MATHS..
damn.I hate it very much.It's about having to play with some add maths calculations
and formula.I need to put all my being and effort,
like devoting my whole self just to

be an excellent Public Admin student.I want to be something
and archive things that I
never accomplish in my life right now.
I want my parents to give me freedom and
know now that I can think and behave like

a young adult,which is whereby,I have the right to date and going out with my friends and also having a vehicle license when the time comes.Chey.
And you know what??My mind is also mixed up for tomorrow's Yayasan S'wak Debate and Kesatria Kawad Test and MAT112 clinic which is gonna be held this Friday.I hope the motions for the debate is simple and I have the idea to talk about.I want to 'goreng' the points that I can elaborate more but not in an inimical way.And guess what?
The more pressure I am,the more I will put myself to look cool
and
sometimes like emotionless,
and the good thing is like I don't have the nervousness to

talk with the crowd and in front of the crowd.
I have one tips for you,
Just talk the way it should be,or the way you are.Pretend the people doesn't really
listen to you and you sound boring.Pretend you are practicing in front of the mirror.
Pretend you are just trying to deliver a point and message in an empty room.
One word.Pretend.Doesn't matter as long as you talk confidently and do your best.
With this,
I wish tonight and tomorrow's a better day and I will
beforehand live my life a very complicated but meaningful..
My new tagline/motto/principle:
"I as the way I am,as the way I was,and as the way I will be"
It sounds cool to me and suits me hella well.=DDD

I shall be..

I shall be..
huh?
I think this week is like a hell,
under pressure,
and I missed someone,
He didn't texted me back.huh.
Yeah,I know it's kinda unrequited love here,
whereby,I stand alone from the distant watching him.
hahaha,..a deep crush.=.="
Stop talking about love,my consciences is wanting to talk about something else.
I proposed about tomorrow's Yayasan Sarawak Debate.aRGH.
Well,I hope the motion is easy and something that I can talk based on facts
and my opinions.
Nowadays,being a person affected by Duality makes me like,
I have a mixed up feelings,make me look rather emotionless
and feel like an A.I cyborg robot or anything sci-fi that leads to Transhumanism.
haha.Absurd minded,am I?
yeah.I know.nah,Who cares.
I feel alive when you talk about techy stuffs.=DDD

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Under Pressure

What the hell?
Yes,I'm under pressure that I want to bang
my head against the wall and laugh.=.="
Yes,being a geek all of a sudden b'coz of doing CSC 232 mini project!
Hell praise to me because I took a lot of time to reconstruct and repolish
my coding skills.I used to make flash and simple.swf files.
yeah.Once,I was up to be a professional video games developer.
and right now,I have to pursue my job as stated as my faculty's name.
"Faculty of Administrative Science and Policy Study"
Well.I intended to be go to MMU and make a foundation in Computer Science.
but,all of a sudden my parents had brainwashed me,
So,I become a Public Admin Student.
and now I am going to be a debater for my university.
I can't wait to enter Yayasan Sarawak World Style English Debate Trophy 2010.
It's this upcoming Wednesday,6th October 2010 at UNIMAS.
[Banggalah sidak Unimas jadi tuai rumah]
The time for me to prove to people that I'm not useless and helpless.
Talking about under pressure,
How well does duality can help me?
I tell you.We can change our mood ANYTIME or simply walk away from the tensed
situation.After awhile,we'll continue what we are doing if we feel like it,
depends on the circumstances.
My CSC courseware project is at 50% and I'm so,so..
very fed up doing it..
I wish my friend that I delegated her work
was here,right nowand help me doing all the clicking,
and I will do the coding.
And yeah,I feel so ridiculously guilty coz I can't attend debate clinic.
Stupid CSC232.Wrong time,wrong place and at the very wrong-wrong-wrong
situation.
I admit nowadays,after I broke up with a guy that I feel like I have the
power and sense to be his girlfriend.Simple,actually I pitied him,
and I thought me and that guy can fall in love and have a very,good chemistry,
not suffocating me or making me like "oh,shit,I forgot,I have a boyfriend right now and it's a very burdening thing".
I feel like so,lost in space..but I have to let go of him.He's a nice guy.
Maybe b'coz my heart is still stuck with Hakim,
or my "CINTA 29 Hari"
and also I have a very,very deep crush on someone
that I missed him,erk..
I like seeing his smile upon his face,yeah3..
Complicated?
Yeah,Ouch.Meh.Deal with it.
I wish I could tell that guy,
but I don't want to..it's better for me to have a crush.
and falling in love from a distant..
I don't want him to know,
His far of my league..but guess what?
He's my friend.A very special one to me.
I'm attracted to him b'coz of him..the way he is.
I dunno,but this thing might lead to unrequited love.
fuhh..but who cares?
I'm the one who's controlling my heart and action.
As long as he's happy,I'm happy.
WTH am I saying.blargh.
Moon.Moon.Moon.
Now,I have to go.
Long live duality b'coz
that's just the way I am,peeps.=DDD


Saturday, October 2, 2010

You lie,You'll die,

Yes,Geminians are good in lying and manipulating circumstances.
We like to do that just to please ourself.
We said that we don't love that person,but deep inside us,
it is a feeling that can be ignite,it has a small parchment of
a sense of warmth and happiness when we see that person
that we no longer "Love"
And have you ever feel that you're lying to your own heart?
That's what I feel in this very moment,
I still love someone from my past,I'm happy and sad to see him around.
I missed him,He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
and right now,it's hard b'coz I have a crush on someone too.
Gezz..how hard is it to be me..?
Only those who knows me well understand.
It's a vast,wonderful 29 days with him,but it carries a lot of meaning,
maybe a guideline if I ever want to have a boyfriend again,
recently,I broke up with another guy,
because I think this thing won't work,there's no spark
between us,
I deserve someone better or equal to Hakim.
B'coz he's the only guy who treated me with a lot of love
and protection so far..
as they said,
"It takes only a second to like someone,a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to love someone..but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.."
Can you deny that fact?
No.So don't lie.If you think you are stuck in the moment of the present and past.
Think carefully.Don't risk other people's heart.
Heart is a very complicated matter,as love too..
And for now,it's better to think deeply..
I don't want to date again for now.
why?I don't want to.I wish someone who will like to tease me,
make me smile,flirts with me,scold me,make me feel like wanting to
be a better person,a person who makes me love and hate him at the same time,
a guy who could really adapt me..and still be there for me..but he's no longer
to be found.He's the missing part of me,that I will keep searching,
and searching..
Love is an option,you choose it whether to be,or not to be,
You can also refrain yourself to be in a relationship and remain as friends,
till the day he/she moved on,
Love is whereby you choose the person to be free and better yet,
be with someone else,
Love is not about a MUST to be in such boyfriend and girlfriend
relationship,
It is based on pure sincerity and seeing him/her as "The One"
Seeing your future with the person inside your eyes,
and never be afraid to picture it together,
haha.
Guess what?I'm kinda pissed off.
I want to explain a stuff about myself.
I'm quite upset about this.
Please.I'm not a fucking player.
I don't date every single guy I see..
and I don't flirt with every single guy,
People think that I'm a player,a girl who bitches around..
oh please?
I don't like having many girlfriends,they're the one who will backstab us later...
and it's not easy for a gemini like me to find a very understanding same sex friends..
I found a few and I decided to stay with them,
I'm not open to every single girl that I see,I don't want to risk myself,
not that I'm prejudging people,but people do prejudge me..
they don't take time to learn me,as a subject deeply..
so fuck them.I don't wanna have these people as my friends.
It's like a cheap publicity to have everybody as your bestfriends..
Picture this.haha.
"OH,they're all my bestfriends..I'm so lucky.hell"
and the next day,one of them spread a rumor about you,
telling people about things that are false,and portray a bad image to others.
Dang.I don't want to be in that kind of situation.
I as the way I was,I am,and will be..
So,deal with it..OR back off.
Thankies.=DDD



Friday, October 1, 2010

You're not just my past..

Should I Smile Because You're my past,
Or Cry Because Thats All We'll Ever Be?
=========================
Forget The Times You Walked By,
Forget The Times You've Made Me Cry,
Forget The Time You Held My Hand,
Forget The Sweet Things If I Can,
I Can No Longer Pretend
I Have To Remember Now That You're Just my Past
=========================
When I Look At You My Heart Skips
A Beat But Later That Beat Could Mean
A Lifetime Of Feelings Wasted
On Something I Knew I Could Never Have
=========================
How Can You Be Friends With Someone
If Everytime You Look At Them It Makes
You Want Them Even More?
=========================
My Heart Was Taken By You,
Broken By You And Now
Is In Pieces Because Of You
=========================
Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving
someone if your heart still does.
=========================
Even when I pour my heart out to you,
I'm not sure it shows, that I love you more than you'll ever know.
=========================
I was reborn when you first kissed me.
Part of me died when you left me.
But now I still live, waiting for the day you return to me.
=========================