regarding trust.Some learn about it the hard way,
and such a very tormenting moment that had to be gone
through,just for the sake of learning,
What to do with it when we have it?
If we have it,can we manipulate it?
If we twisted the truth a bit,here and there..
will it be a bad thing for us?Why is it so fun to enjoy
the show while hurting other and it's so addicting?
and why it hurts the people so much when we did
something to abuse it?"
I think about it.All day.Despite I'm wasting
my time,doing all those geekish stuff and having fun
chatting around with someone special in my life right now.
Yeah,he's special coz he can understand how I feel
to be inflicted with such complex duality that exist upon me and him.
and I just love him as the way he is.
Back to the topic.
Trust.Fuck it,a guy..
who been abusing my trust.He's not even my ex.
He's nothing in my life,tho we are related genetically.
I trust people too easily.The reason why I should be paranoid
in real world as a haXor should be in this issues as well.
Playing the role as a good individual is tough.To expect
people will do the same thing,with the same intention
wasn't right,it doesn't happened all the time.
Get time to know people,we don't know what lies beneath
the surface.He might look like,oh.."You can trust me,don't worry"
and I believed him.I was not thinking twice giving a chance and
fix things up.What makes me into his words of pathetic life is:
"It's my responsibility as a guy and cuzzie to help you"
Hah.screw me too.
Probably what I did in the past,the people I've hurt,
the bad habits that I did,and how I disappoint them.
I finally learn after a long battle struggling
what's inside of me,my other inner demon.
My sins.The malady of myself.
I'm just being punished for what I commit in the past.
So much things that I wish to undo,but I can't.
It take me years to learn from my own mistakes.
Here I spoke to the world that,I just want to be a better person.
I don't mind telling what lies inside me in this blog,
It's the way how I express some sort of things that bother me.
All day and that just pisses me off.
This thing will heads to another serious thing,
it will tainted my name,pride and image in a very bad way.
I don't want my bad name in the past will be any worser.
No one will help me if this thing really happens.
is absolutely WRONG.For god sake,we as human are
given a choice not to destroy other people life,if we didn't
get what we want in life.Leave them alone.
I don't know how to explain this accurately in english,
but there's been an Islamic quote saying,
"Satu kebaikan itu akan dibalas dengan sepuluh lipat kali ganda kebaikan"
or I think the translation is,
"God will repay one small act of kindness/deed with ten times more of it"
yes,what I can explain and relate to the quote is..
It's better for me to stay quiet and just tell him to back off.
It makes me happy.It makes him sad.
but if that sadness makes him realize what he did is wrong.
It will be a deed for me.I'm not sadichist.A term that I
derived from masochist and sadistic.
I still have a heart.I know,I still have one.
Yea.I hate to hate people,but this is what I do
when people starting to hate me.
I want to change,and am changing..
trying to be more matured and not doing any
stupid things that might hurt the ones
and the bad things that I did,which I think
was cool and was so much addicting..
I can't even stop myself from doing it,
till I lose somebody that loves me very much.
Serves me well.It did hit me so hard till
I wanted to end this life badly.
All he wanted in me was a change in my bad character.
Change for the good things that I deserve in life.
I learn many things from him and we both have moved on.
As for what I mentioned in my other blog,
I don't want to refer him as my ex,he's still one of my close friends..
and it will stay that way till the day I die.The flame has faded away,
but friendship will never ends.
I hate it when I give too much trust,too much warmth in
my sincere intention,just to have somebody I called a friend
abusing my trust around,for his own sake and self-satisfaction.
Some ideas to describe what's burning inside of me now: