Sunday, December 26, 2010


It's been a long,long time since I been on here.
Define me the term corrupt.
Anything can get corrupted.
Mind,soul,programs and almost everything that 
you could consider can get into the state of corrupt,getting corrupted.
The question is,
am I corrupted too?
Been thinking lately,
I think.yeah.I am partially corrupted.
I need to be corrupted,
not entirely but only a small parchment of my soul have been such a pain to handle and fixed up.We're talking about doing such things as principle of the double effect.Only to find that we're making the situation screwed up.fucked up.So,we're a bit choked up,by ourself.
In that state,we may also find our guitly pleasure.
I don't know.Hard to resist.Addicting.
In the state of corruption,it is possible for you to contradict yourself,doing things against your own will and principle,just to find yourself a lil bit more powerful and energetic.
But we know,the power and energy for sure come from the negative sources.
Whatever that may have driven us,it's a bit of demented,polluting ourself with a lot stuff that will make us regeret about it later.Call it stigma.I believe,I had been a corrupt human sometimes.I'm not as innocent as I look,but here I foreseek my way out.I want to change my oldself,into a new one.
Yes,I have changed since someone make me realize and left me broken hearted even untill now.
He maybe my past but he always reminds me all the good things that I deserve when I'm a better person.Does this mean I missed him?yes,indeed.As a friend.
We need to run away from the reality of life and get lost,corrupt ourself over and over again till finally we finally met our true self again.The path was never easy.
It's full of temptation to resist.
Making the same mistakes over and over again till you feel like ending it;
is a truth that is bitter to swallow.No words shall describe it.
A state of so-called-corrupted is a phase for me,to find what I want,and what do I need to do in my life.I see the light,but I can't seems to reach it.So,it is a necessity for me to say I'm a very depressed these 2-3 days.Taking time to remorse is very painful.
I regret a lot of things that I did in my life.I'm not even close enough to be said "a good girl" coz sometimes I'm not even that good.I'm bad.I'm both all at the same time.I see myself a thinker and a fucked up bitch when stuck in a circumstances that has been caused by myself simulatenously.
Stupid isn't it?I have a choice to choose,but then I didn't make it.Instead of making the right choice,at the right moment.I choose the opposite one.
I messed up.I screwed up.
I make trouble for myself.
But then,I did take my time to study and analyze what has happened,why and how.It's just me who fucked the whole thing up.I need to fixed up.
Like a program,I will have to modify myself,change the bad habit and things about myself.
I want to live my life and make full use out of it.
We live our live just once 
and we don't know when we'll shall be called upon the arm of Death.
That's certainty.

Monday, December 6, 2010


"Say it for me,say it to me..I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me.."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Oh 636.Hey.You.

You again.I hate you but I love you.
My head really loves you.My heart really hate you
and love you at the same time..
But love still doesn't change a thing.
Love is a crazy thing for me.It made me smile.It made me cry.
It made me feel tormented.I just enjoy it to the extreme.
Hey..I'm just touched you say I'm a good girl.
Hey..I don't know how to make up with a guy,especially it's you.
I don't know what to do,step by step.Teach me eh?Not that 
I don't want to..I just really don't know how to.but I love the idea.
Hey..I talk dirty things,but never tempted practice it.
I'm not turn on yet to do 'turn-on-stuff'.
Making out is dirty eh?
Hey..I want to learn,teach and share a lot of things with you.
Hey..I think we can be good friends,if you can't except the fact I love you.
B'coz you are worth knowing.
That's okay.I always have been hurt like this,everytime I fight for the real thing,
some of it worth it.some of it never did work.some of it remain unspoken.
You drive my brain wild.I just really want to talk to you in real life..
It's so boring chatting with you.I want to see you again,
and nah,I'll be very open with you.
It's hard hiding my thoughts like this.everytime.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

#2: 636

Mr .R @ 636,
"Why love if losing hurts too much?It’s just nice to know someone is always there for us"
 — Yes.I never intended to fall in love with you.I never said a thing about being your girlfriend.I never want to hurt you.I’m tired of having relationship with guys,but I promise you,I can be your special someone,a best friend and lover at the same time.I’m ready to open up and let you in.But,will you walk your way in and do the same thing?I might be here for you now,but who knows,here right now..gone tomorrow?Maybe I’ll be dead or what.I don’t really care.I feel it’s useless not having someone special that I’ve been searching for.I’m always upset by the fact hearing so much rumors about you but I know you will somehow explain to me.I’m always here waiting.I go crazy for you laughter and voice.You deserve the world,but I can give you ME.I know..deep inside you,lies a very loving,exciting and unique character.I searched for that in every guy I’ve been flirting and playing around with..and I choose you.I allow you to touch me.feel me.because one thing,I love you.636.

"Unrequited love?No, it’s just you who smile and laugh recalling back memories with or without the person knowing."
 — Significantly,some of you guys and girls don’t believe in unrequited love.It does exist.I’ve been there and I did that.I don’t mind doing it again.I love someone with all my heart,I’m ready to let him go if he could prove to me,there’s a girl could love him better than me.I fall for his imperfections,his smile and his thoughts..not for looks and lust.I came upon him,not my intention to fall in love with him.He taught about things that I should learn in life and make my worst day to be a little brighter,but I’ve seen the vulnerable side of him.He doubt and keep wondering things so much.Too much questions.I love him,more than the things I could give in this world.I would fight for him.I would climb the walls for him.I’ll kill to see his laughter.I will only back off,only if he told me to do so.As a friend,I’ve fallen for him.I wish to welcome him and let him in..but will he do the same?I’ve yet to know.He’s unique and very one-of-a-kind guy.I admit,I don’t go for typical guys,I go for the hard ones.I hurt myself,because I think it’s worth it.I dare,dare to love again when I see the things that I want in a potential special someone.I’m tired of dating game as well.I’ve been thinking about getting engaged and married but my parents would be skeptical about it.Fuck relationship.Fuck commitment.I’m tired of guys and the break up aftermath thingy.They will throw all back at you and what you guys did together,and say hurtful things instead of letting go and wish all the best,remain with that person as friends which brings the best hope and things in life for that person.Why don’t you just laugh along about the past and moved on as a very good friend?I did that.I’m happy he moved on.I moved on.We both moved on,but we remain as good friends.Well,636.You have me now,I’m here for you..always here,no matter what role you want me to play in your life,no matter where ever you are and who you wish to be with.I love you.I miss you.636.

Monday, November 22, 2010


I miss you!
I miss you!
I miss you!
I miss you!

I wish I could say that to you without crying on the phone.=(

Friday, November 19, 2010

Complicated Me.You.Us.We.

The time has come.
My real thoughts,feelings and perspectives
about you.
I know that I'm hard to read
and sometimes the walls surrounding me is so thick,
high and very hard to get inside.
No.I just hide it.I don't like getting hurt.
I'm fragile.I'm prone to be hurt myself
more than hurting other people around me.
I don't like being seen as vulnerable.
I'm that ego and bad.
Yes,the past is so painful.I got many history.
Many past,many issues.Many tragic,sad and
frustrating experience.
I seek for unplanned adventure,bypassing rules
and limits and strive for non-routine stuffs.
I love living in the world of flexibility and freedom.
Maybe I can share it
all someday with you or at
least someone complicated like you..
I'm don't allow people to read me,
I expect them to read me if I want to
and if only they really want to.
Be it my parents,siblings,close friends and anyone.
If not,just go to hell.I have that IDGAF atittude.
[I don't Give A Fuck]
The first time I saw you,
Yes.Undeniably I'm attracted to you,
the way you talk and smart looking.
But nah,fuck another eye candy.
My thoughts was saying:
"Every guy is just the same,all they do is
play away with girls,gain their trust
once they got it,they got suffocate,
choked,asphyxiated and go find
some other new adventure;
maybe they will dump that girl
and go for that adventure at the same time,
adventure first,dump later.either one.
The cycle will keep going to repeat the game,
but the only thing changing is;
The player and the one who got played.
Am I right?
Yes,indeed.I know,been there,done that.
and I have fallen in love with some of
them unintentionally and I screw it up.
Act cold.Play the show.
Follow your own rules,concentrate at the moment.
You're broken-hearted right now.No time to flirt!"
That's my thought at that time.
At other hand,My heart was saying,:
"There's something about this guy.
 I don't know what it is,
but keep looking at him
with no direct reason.
I keep wondering.
Talk to him.No.Don't talk.
Shits always happen if you do that."
I can't never decide which one to follow.
So,I followed both,I never
want to bother talking nor making
a move to talk to you.
The only thing is,I see you keep
wanting to talk to me.
How persistent are you?
I want to know.
I have to be ignorant.
The show keep being played untill
the last day,8 October 2010.
Well,finally...I was in the mood
to talk and socialize around with
the debaters.Ignore the show.
Smile.Be Happy.
It's the last day or maybe the last time
that I'll be seeing these
debaters around and this atmosphere.
I'm also thinking about quitting debate to
that day and change my course nex sem.
It's a sappy day actually.
So,I smiled when passing by you
as you are the one greeted me first.
And also,one thing..I noticed that you have
a tablet pc and
I forgotten that you have one
Well,I'm so fucking jealous.
I never had one so far.Geez.
Sitting down with all the UiTM debaters.
I was kinda bored.So I decided to go online
in facebook using my phone.
Yes,very interesting.
Hmmm..You send me a friend request?
How did you manage to find me?
hmm.I don't know.Really.Through the
YS debate event page or you find me through
someone's FB?
I just approved it.I'll ask later.hmmph.
I don't want to think much.
So,later that day,I stumbled upon you
alone outside the theater hall and
that is the first time,I actually talked to you
and say,"Hey,*smiles* thank you for adding me
in facebook."
I smiled to myself after that.Phew.I didn't scew
it up and make the respond goes,
"What?Excuse me,what did you said?".
I don't like making other people blurr
when I talked too fast or not clear enough .
[kecik ati ku.mena.haha.]
I'm kinda nervous to talk for the first
time to someone new.So,hurray!I did it.
Yeah,not to forget about before going back,
I got hugged from a male debater
for the 1st time,which is you.
It will be the event and sweetest thing that
I will remember for the rest of my life.
Well,I just keep wondering;
Will I see you again around soon,or will I never ever see you again?
The first and last time..or the beginning of something?
A friendship or something beyond that.I don't care
and I don't want to care.
I admit.I don't like going physical...
I got my own reasons.Ask me personally.
be it with girls or guys.
I'm that choosy,stiff,numb esp when someone
*suddenly hugged/touch me so tightly* and I allow it,
If it is under some circumstances.
I don't know why,maybe it how my parents raised me up.
I'm not used of being hugged or kissed,doesn't matter...
But physical violence,yes.Tragic?I'm used to it already.
I got hugged and kissed once a blue moon and certain events.
Pathetic life of mine,isn't it?
I'm just weird and unique,very much different than other girl.
I think I'm worth to be in a novel or autobiography.
So much trouble,stupid crazy stuffs,random,evil and
experience that I had in my life that can be translated
into a book.
Yea,yea.So that weekend,
I went back home,
Seeing my dad had replaced
my big bulky,black and white screen monitor
to a BenQ FP92W Wide-Screen LCD.
19 Inch.It make me happy.
The first thing I did is to go online,
and when it comes to facebook,
I was opening your page and decide
to post something on the wall,
because,it a very cool and weird fact
to meet a guy which share the same 
B'date with me,6th June.
Now,the show is  getting a bit exciting.
Remember that I posted ;
"Hey,We share the same b'day date 6,June =DD"
and at the same time,
I received something in my inbox

Gemini too! :)

Hey, do you have MSN or YM or Skype? 
Just wondering how else I could talk to you,
because FB messages are slow 
and I'm spectacularly impatient :)
Only if you want to, though. Not going to force you.

Well,of course..I replied that I have all of those
IM's and give away my ID.
and another reply not long after that,

No way.6th June,WTF.
Ok,you'd better be online these days to talk. 

Later,there you go posting  on my wall,
"We're cool 6.6 people :)"

From that moment,yea..
I don't know really what to expect,but I know..
Yes,A complicated guy..but  how complicated is he?
Chances to get knowing a guy like you is rare and
I guaranteed myself ,you're not boring to be with,
exciting to be penetrate deep down inside  and 
it's so nice to meet a gemini,a complicated character.
Just like myself.A mixture of multi-personality person.
It's like getting to know 2-in-1 within a single person.
I will find many things that excites me each day about you.
They are the best people to explore and
get to know,but the problem is..they tend to hide a parchment 
of themselves,their true self,vulnerable side and sometime real 
thoughts,just to please others or not burdening people.
and also their past and whatever that goes inside their mind,
giving other people hard time to understand them,
and also some seen as a scattered and confused character,
but yet can do something out of nothing,
We can set up a show and play along with it.
Doing mindless stupid thing and can't get enough regretting
when in deep shit or stuck in our own mess.
Keep wishing and wanting things in life for more,yet taking what what 
we have best in possession for granted.
Sometimes,when we realize's too late to do anything already.
Flirtatious.yes.We are just searching for the best and 
getting to know the person further,before deciding our 
mind."Pick and choose?" or "Choose and pick"?
Sometimes I do both.I regret doing that.=.=
Commitment and Relationship are things that we take 
seriously,once we make up our mind..and sometimes,
the relationship fail b'coz of shits happens,suffocated,
going nowhere,no more chemistry,no more spark,
get bored or at least screw it up by ourself and regret
for taking granted of the person we claimed to love,
but we betrayed them.
The worst thing that ever happened to me is
falling in love with someone close,being there with him
for years and years,seeing him happy,making him laugh 
but I forced not to tell him anything about my feelings
under some circumstances and it's against my principles.
and I find a hard time to let go of myself from his shadow
but I manage to do it somehow.
It hurts not to tell someone that we actually loved them,
care for them while we are very,so much close.
Simply b'coz I don't want to lose him.
Sometimes,it make me think,loving someone doesn't really
need to be in a relationship,a commitment.
We just need to love and let go.If the person comes back to us,
the persons is ours.No regret.No doubt.
But for me,I did that thrice..still the same thing happen.
I give up,I don't fuck care about loving and dating.
I changed a lot since then. 
All I do is flirt and being a heart -breaker.
I agree on falling in love or loving someone
makes you a better person,exuberant,change all the bad things
about yourself for the person
so they can accept you,you remain to be there through 
thick and thin for that person,wishing them know you 
do exist in their life and hope that person sees you 
and never make you feel as if "invisible"..
but the downside,yes..when circumstances & shit happens,
you become upset,tired,misunderstood,prone to jealousy,
even the word LOVE you will hate to hear,
not forgotten to be mentioned about is;
seeing happy couples around and start saying,
"I don't need a couple,and if I want I can get it anytime and anywhere"
as by deep down inside,you always know that;
It's hard to find love.
It's hard to find chemistry.It's always easy to flirt,play around,
making it look as if we're dead serious and somehow
get bored later.-.-"
It's hard to find someone that is always there for you
no matter what,listening to your problems,
all the boring stuff that people hate hearing from you,
It's hard to find someone to adapt and accept all sided of you.
It's hard to find something that is based on purity and sincerity.
Jodoh.If I can interpret it for you what I think it is,
based on my experience and what I had gone through,
It is written in Destiny and based of on our Fate,
No such things as coincidence. 
That person will be closer than we never think it is,
She/he might be our potential soulmate or at least 
someone who wants you for a change 
for the better things that you deserve in life,
It can be short-while and worth it.
It can be long,full of ups and down and 
you feel like ending your life when it is over.
It can be upsetting and frustrating but worth fighting for.
It is said that they always come in unexpected moment,
make you smile,be there for you no matter how bad
do you think life will crumbling down on you
and it's always up to you to
open your eyes look around for that special someone.
It is also said that,they come as our equivalent half self state ;
If you're a good person,you'll end up with someone good.
If you're bad,you'll end up with someone bad.
If you're mixture of both?You'll find the same type too.
We just need to open up our hearts,which I think 
sometime is hard coz I always love people using my head first,
and then connect it to his soul,heart and body.
I assume that deep inside me,lies this principle:
"Dance with my mind,and then you can dance with my body."
All this while,suddenly I found out that it happens that 
my parents knows about your family and how much did they know,
I don't really know.
I know that I've been staring and passing your house,
every single Raya.We will know about it 
if I bring them to your house during Raya
next year.
I'm sorry that I've fallen in love with you.
It seems like a bad thing for you.
I can't give you anything except my ear to listen to your thoughts,
my smile,my out of this world thoughts and opinions,my laughter,
at any part time of the day or night it is or anytime if you need me,and 
all of this,just to see your smile,hear your laughter,make you happy
and become a better person 
with or without me as something in your life..
despite what people think or say about you,
I can see what other people can't see inside you.
because of just like what you said,
"I'm complicated.and so are you" =)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


BOOMBOX.Sounds like I'm mad eh?Nope.
It's a song from The Lonely Island ft. Julian Casablancas.
I have fallen in love with this song lyrics.
Music UNITES us all.Music knows no boundary.Music has its meaning
and value to us.It represent us all in every aspect and angle of life.
Music = P.I.E
I listen to songs not only when I'm happy or in love but
when I'm sad,mad,depress,heart broken,
and disturbed.
I still have the feeling to just want to be a musician someday.
Be it a singer,composer or songwriter.
and at least join and play in a band in my lifetime.
I just want to get myself involve in music.I love singing.
not in the shower.but in my room,in front of the mirror.
I wish I could sing in front millions and entertain others,
but I'm just afraid that if suddenly I can't hold enough breath
and spoil the song.
It has been my passion.My dream.
It has driven me to learn playing the piano,flute,harmonica,
gambelan,drum so far and I want to keep learning
playing all the instruments
that exist  in this world..including Ocarina,Accordian,
and harp.
the thing is right now,I want to learn playing guitar 
and sing in front of my friends and my loved ones.
I feel so helpless to hold and prick a note while
the guitar is in my hand.
Singing relieves your stress and anger,sadness and 
tears.So sing whatever song that pleases your heart.=)

Monday, November 15, 2010

I wish.

Dear Diary,

[haha..such typical way to blog in a melancholic state]
I have a description of my own inner demon,my doppelganger
Some of these days,I want to go back my wild self again
and hit the clubs[If only I can] or do some mindless crazy shit.
I have the urge to hear loud music and just move my body around.
Pretend to get drunk.Inhale back those sick poisonous stuffs that I use to do.
misusing legit drug and get addicted like hell.haha.
oh,I love getting that "where-am-I,why-I-feel-so-light-and
as if floating,why-the-lights-are-so-beautiful-
and-that-makes-me-like-flying-laughing-so happy" sensation.
and feeling very blurr the next day.
Getting my head hurt and my mind blank.

Falling asleep at the wrong time and inappropriate place.
Sneaking and spending around with illegal stuff.
Bypassing curfew hours and authority.
Play around with some hot smart cute boy all at the same time and
just leave them wanting me more.I need some really 'wild time' right now.
I wanted to just go crazy and do whatever I want to do
to please myself right now.

I hate being restricted,c'mon fuckers..
LISTEN to what I SAY,not what I DO.
I'm trapped.Do you think I can tolerate be nice and patient all the time?
You keep talking about your LIMIT,but what about mine?
I have my own RESTRICTION and LIMIT too.
I'm not an ANGEL,yet I'm not the DEVIL too.
Just that,I'm only a human.A complex one.
I can't be PERFECT,
but I promise that I can keep being TRUTHFUL and PURE
to myself no matter what.
Deep inside me,I have a highly wild,naughty side.PLEASE let me do what I want to do
so that I don't do what I wish not to do in the first place.
My INTENTIONS is always being perceived badly.
EVERYTHING that I did for you is WRONG huh?
Do you realize that,I won't learn anything if I don't experience it myself?
I am who I am,because of my troubles in the past,my negative attitude and
bad habits that I struggle so hard to diminish it for years..
I'm BROKEN into millions of shattering pieces everywhere but
when I got FIXED up,I grew much more stronger.
I have my PRINCIPLE.Respect it,please.
Don't you know that I can see and feel things?
Why don't you just have that FAITH in me?
I believe that's the only GIFT you can ever give to me.
Some of you,keep talking about LOVE and PLAYER stuff huh?
I will always have to find someone
to appreciate my thoughts,
my intentions,respect my INDIVIDUALITY,and
someone to care,tease,joke,to go crazy and out of this world,
and fits me in every complicated way I am.It is not easy
coz you're not the one walking my shoes,living my life for me.
so STFU.Thanks.
What do you know about a PLAYER?
They have their own issues from the past,
problems and deep inside them,
they are vulnerable in their own ways and weak points,
some of them are just some bunch helpless lonely creature,
seeking fun in way of unintended guilty pleasure.
looking for the long lost light and hope
Just that they don't want the whole world to know and see it.
Therefore,don't say that they can't THINK and don't realize what
they are doing.
Yes,in fact,indeed they can think and know what are they doing.
Sooner or later.Self-consciousness or when in luck,someone come into their life,
and make their heart and head fixed up.
They are labeled as "B.A.D" person.
in which meaning,Building Aimless Destruction.
I don't think they want to be BAD in the first place,
in some circumstances,they choose to be bad to let it all out
and carry own living with their life
regardless of what people will say about them,
seeking new experiences & challenges,and some just fail to control their attitude
and get so ADDICTED & STUCK in their own mess.
Been there,done that.So I can understand.
and I really hate people spreading bad things and news about others without
knowing the truth yet.GET to know me
or the person you're talking about DEEPLY first.
Stop SKIMMING through the surface,bitches!
and than only you can put JUDGMENTS and LABELS.
I don't think if you meet me once or twice,
or don't really have a sincere,heart-to-heart conversation everytime we talk,
you can really describe,interpret,or judge me accurately.
I can determine whether if it's GENUINE

or a FAKE one.
When I'm in my BAD side,NOBODY can influence me and
stop me from anything that might happen.
If I did anything wrong in that state,
because I want to AND I take the risk,after much thinking
or didn't have any idea at all; a M.U.N situation
[mindless uncertain notoriety]
I hate people saying my friends or people around me
shaped me into doing these kinds of things..
There are even times,when I make people and trick them doing into
these stuffs.
Having a wide and many social circle different groups of friends is fun,
I met a lot of cool,funny,unusual,unique characters,loving,charming,
the good and bad ones,I learn to adapt and accept a lot things and
personalities from them.
and they remain as my close and best friends until now.
"There's always good in evil,bad in good,light in darkness,
darkness in light,and not all good people is really guaranteed
to have no evil intentions unless you're like the Prophet,
Nabi Muhammad S.A.W." -Moon Xyle-

Until then.Life is an adventure but you choose how the way
it was,how the way it is and how it is going be.=))

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Randomenss # 1

I think:

  • I live in my own crazy lunatic random world of unplanned adventure and actions.
  • I don't like to be too girlish.I don't like being too boyish either.
  • I like keeping my mouth shut when my head is too confused or worried but it hurts to do that.
  • I hate to burden people with my trouble,untill trouble kills me slowly.
  • I love Star Wars but aslo still I think Star Trek is cool.
  • I love Dante's attitude but I lust for Vergil cold and when he slashes using his fucking awesome yamato says,"die!"
  • I cried for my dad's voice saying,"pa polah?" when I miss him and yearn for my mom's praise for years if I'm away from them for too long.
  • I love Katanas,Revolver,swords but I hate dagger and arrow and bow.
  • I picture the perfect date is to laugh,tease,sing,and talk all the time with that special someone.
  • I feel like wanting to duet a song with anyone who's serious in singing.
  • Friendhip and dating are related somehow.
  • I want to be a very L337 in my community and start my own haxoring group.
  • My roomates is the best roomate ever.They don't give a shit on what I'm doing and so helpful.They cheer me up in a very unique way.
  • I feel happy when I have money and when I'm broke I feel so miserable.
  • My bestfriends is still my bestfriends.
  • My ex is still my ex but he's trying to ruin my life by giving away my handphone number to get my attention again.This is what happens when a player mets an ex player.
  • I want to eat ice-cream goreng and stop eating instant noodle.
  • I should go wild and run while screaming at the beach saying,"I'M FREE!"
  • I should ask my dad to buy a new phone or give anything that is touchscreen for me.
  • I want to spent my time playing games but I have so much chores,work to be done.
  • I feel like playing Spore and Supermarket mania till I feel satisfied.
  • I want to do something from the anarchy and test it.
  • I fall in love with a fictional tv series character Glee.which is Artie.He's so good in raping and nerdish/smart/geeking looking with a voice.Aww.[even tho he uses a wheelchair in that tv show].<>
  • I want to have my own channel in youtube and be an internet star.
  • I still think Ryan Tedder is one of my favourite composer and admired him a lot.
  • I feel like watching Love Story 2050 again

and so on..alu gila.hahah.XDD

Eenie Meanie

Listening to that song again,
yea,I feel like an eenie meanie.
I always feel bad,no matter what.
Sometimes,I think that:

-I have a very inaccurate 6th Sense
-I have the feeling of dejavu and when it happen it's too late to realize it.
-I should have stop trusting my own feeling and trust my thoughts
-I should be more emotional attached in expressing myself
-I must be more polite in my words..?wtf?
-I should have a katana at my home so that I can make people scared of me?
-I should be dead earlier,when I think I'm useless

My head is full of nonsense and illogical stuffs.I'm so like emotionless right now.
I feel nothing.I wish life would just go ahead and left me behind.
Depressed?no.I'm just saying things that I'm trying to say but I can't say
in front of people.
I feel guilty to everyone,I feel guilty for the things that I've done,
I feel sorry for myself.


I'm sorry,sorry..

I'll be fine.I just need time to thing and evaluate and feel things.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Everything has come to an end

Sounds like I'm going to commit suicide eh?
No.Not yet.I won't kill myself yet.
I feel so stress nowadays.Cry myself to sleep.
Don't worry,sanity is still in me but I feel derailed minded nowadays.
I don't think my home is a "home sweet home",sometimes is like a prison.
Packing my stuff,to begone from the hostel by this Friday night.
I miss someone very dearly now.His jokes.His laughter.His smile.His Voice.
His random thoughts.His hug.Everything about him.
The 1st and only guy who sings for me at skype at the middle of the night.
Some other day,I'll sing a song for you too..=)
I have this feeling of..idk,it's a deep and sad as if I can't meet him again
maybe untill next year.It's just my thought,instinct or what...?
I miss you.I miss you.Miss you.Miss you.Miss you.
Some other things are also messing up my head right now.
They make me sad,worried and so wanting-to-give-up-in-my-life feeling.
I can't list them all here.It will me make look so weak.
heh.I hate to say this..
I feel so sad right now,faking a smile and laughing while inside me is dying.

p/s:oh,yea..before I end my post.
I got this song stuck playing in my head,Ku Seru (OST PHSM)
"Oh..Dengarlah Sayu Tangisanku
Mengapa Degupanmu Ku Seru
Kerna Kesepian
nan Terlalu
Kembalikan Hidup Yang Ku Rindu~

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Do you believe in magic?

I don't believe in magic,
but I believe in miracle.
So much drama in the few weeks and
how time flies,
hostel life
is coming to an end in 3 days.*sobs sobs*
Sometimes I don't know what to believe in,
and yet where do I stand at life,
seeing your own past,mistakes
and everything overthrowing back at you..
just like something that is going back against
what I did and say in the past.
I'm mistake.I'm trouble.As to people,
and myself as well.
I don't know why it seems that,
Life is hard sometimes,and sometimes I feel my
head is lighter,when I feel so damn careless about everything.
There's even a time where I do not fuck care about anything or anyone.
except myself and I have this burden of carrying my own problems
till everything crumbles over me.
The problem is I don't really trust people around me.
They think I'm too weak,they tend to monopolize you in
the things that they see in you as exploitable vulnerable loopholes.
I have a really serious paranoid
that they will say everything that I did is all WRONG
and not being RESPONSIBLE.C'mon.Give me a space to voice out myself.
If there's so much love in me,there's so much hate too.
I have a fantasy right now.
Quitting this life and go to a new galaxy,start a new whole life
in a new identity,whereby I can use light saber to fight
and see Star Troopers dancing while I sit in my throne.
nah.Palak ku tension abis tok.
What the hell.Star wars in my head right now.
I guess I'm so tension about exams paper.
I wasted 5-7 marks in political science.
Hostel.Friends.Past Love issues.Exams.
[fuck that Singporean guy and the KL guy]
They're still being dickhead bastards.I'm clearly ignoring them,
and I did say my nicest farewell to them..
My parents.Debate.
Fly me to the sky,you'll be forever in my debt.
Let's be B.A.D and R.A.P.E others to the wild.
[Buidling Aimless Destruction and Releasing Anger Passionately Enjoying.]
I'm feeling like pissed off too right now.
Yes I am.

In conlclusion,there's no such thing as magic but only miracle exists.
Save me from this insane heartbreaking life.I beg you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Acceptance of denial

How hard is it to accept?
Acceptance for all the things that we wish doesn't happen?
and how far would you go to make you feel better?
Some things are better left unsaid but yet,I do want to speak it out.
Why does it hurts so badly when we see someone we used to love
and we just wish to talk back to them,but we can't..
The hatred between both of the party involve or could it be something else?
I'm still wondering until today.
I treasure friendship and I would love to be friends with him again.
Yes,I'm really looking cold and so emotionally-detached,
I don't deny that,and it's a true thing.Full stop.yeah.
A typical way to display such a duality that is embedded within me.
To tell the truth,vulnerabilities are better yet hidden or
people will get to exploit you,used you and throw you away like the rubbish.
And trust,it's a very none tangible thing that only time and sincerity can prove that.
As it is,I wonder..

Yes,this is my one of weaknesses,maybe one of my biggest issue..
letting go of someone,even things are obviously clear that we should back off.
It's hard just to leave,you can just block their profile,delete the phone numbers,
and saw that person again in real life,the one you used to spend your time,laughter,
sadness or tears feel so like,wow..
*A train just hit you*
*you survived*
*he sees you*
*you tried to smile*
*he already moved his eyes and head somewhere else*
*you look down*
* he secretly stares at you*
*you look back*
*he gives you a blank empty look*
*wtf?you just played that game along*

*you give him a blank expression*
-silent moment-
*Are we somehow like arch enemies?
or just a very ego broken-hearted ex lovers
that either way make things worst*

The question still hunts me till right now.
I feel so bad and good at the same time.
Complicated enough to explain the scenario exactly.=DD

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Trust.I think we as the gemini has a lot of issues
regarding trust.Some learn about it the hard way,
and such a very tormenting moment that had to be gone
through,just for the sake of learning,
"What's trust?
What to do with it when we have it?
If we have it,can we manipulate it?
If we twisted the truth a bit,here and there..
will it be a bad thing for us?Why is it so fun to enjoy
the show while hurting other and it's so addicting?
and why it hurts the people so much when we did
something to abuse it?"

I think about it.All day.Despite I'm wasting
my time,doing all those geekish stuff and having fun
chatting around with someone special in my life right now.
Yeah,he's special coz he can understand how I feel
to be inflicted with such complex duality that exist upon me and him.
and I just love him as the way he is.
Back to the topic.
Trust.Fuck it,a guy..
who been abusing my trust.He's not even my ex.
He's nothing in my life,tho we are related genetically.
I trust people too easily.The reason why I should be paranoid
in real world as a haXor should be in this issues as well.
Playing the role as a good individual is tough.To expect
people will do the same thing,with the same intention
wasn't right,it doesn't happened all the time.
Get time to know people,we don't know what lies beneath
the surface.He might look like,oh.."You can trust me,don't worry"
and I believed him.I was not thinking twice giving a chance and
fix things up.What makes me into his words of pathetic life is:
"It's my responsibility as a guy and cuzzie to help you"
Hah.screw me too.
Probably what I did in the past,the people I've hurt,
the bad habits that I did,and how I disappoint them.
I finally learn after a long battle struggling
what's inside of me,my other inner demon.
My sins.The malady of myself.
I'm just being punished for what I commit in the past.
So much things that I wish to undo,but I can't.
It take me years to learn from my own mistakes.
Here I spoke to the world that,I just want to be a better person.
I don't mind telling what lies inside me in this blog,
It's the way how I express some sort of things that bother me.
All day and that just pisses me off.
This thing will heads to another serious thing,
it will tainted my name,pride and image in a very bad way.
I don't want my bad name in the past will be any worser.
No one will help me if this thing really happens.
No one can't me live my life or live for me if I'm in deep shit.
God gives you strength but it's always up to you to rebuild your life up.
The choices is always something we have to decide,where to head,
and what to do.
I am,just hoping and hoping..he realize what he had done to me
is absolutely WRONG.For god sake,we as human are
given a choice not to destroy other people life,if we didn't
get what we want in life.Leave them alone.
I don't know how to explain this accurately in english,
but there's been an Islamic quote saying,
"Satu kebaikan itu akan dibalas dengan sepuluh lipat kali ganda kebaikan"
or I think the translation is,
"God will repay one small act of kindness/deed with ten times more of it"
yes,what I can explain and relate to the quote is..
It's better for me to stay quiet and just tell him to back off.
It makes me happy.It makes him sad.
but if that sadness makes him realize what he did is wrong.
It will be a deed for me.I'm not sadichist.A term that I
derived from masochist and sadistic.
I still have a heart.I know,I still have one.
Yea.I hate to hate people,but this is what I do
when people starting to hate me.
I want to change,and am changing..
trying to be more matured and not doing any
stupid things that might hurt the ones
and the bad things that I did,which I think
was cool and was so much addicting..
I can't even stop myself from doing it,
till I lose somebody that loves me very much.
Serves me well.It did hit me so hard till
I wanted to end this life badly.
All he wanted in me was a change in my bad character.
Change for the good things that I deserve in life.
I learn many things from him and we both have moved on.
As for what I mentioned in my other blog,
I don't want to refer him as my ex,he's still one of my close friends..
and it will stay that way till the day I die.The flame has faded away,
but friendship will never ends.
I hate it when I give too much trust,too much warmth in
my sincere intention,just to have somebody I called a friend
abusing my trust around,for his own sake and self-satisfaction.
Some ideas to describe what's burning inside of me now:

They're ain't just a picture,they have deep
meaning lies within them.

Picture paints a thousand words.Agree

The words are haunting and exactly describe
how I feel,

as the way I was,as the way I am and as the
way I will be...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


It's the combination of the word "happy" and "sad"
It's always the thing in me..hahaha.Stop it.
I'm sad that letting go of something and someone,
and also the past,
The past is something I can't forget,
and no matter how bad or screwed up I am,
it's always me,myself and I picking up the pieces that was
scattered and rebuild myself up.
It's like how I'm trying hard not to do anything that
will ever contradicted myself but failed..but,
I managed to find strength and solution while in deep shit.
I'm wondering why sometimes that it is always like that.
The way geminians sees the world is DIFFERENT.
We are different coz we are complex and hard to predict.
We have similarity in our behavior and the way we think.
How are we struggling battling our own self and self-contradiction
and I believe,most of us have our own inner strength
that we never even realized in possession,
It always lies within us.
Well,I'm feeling really old for my age.I read too much stuffs
and analysis and philosophy about humans.
well,I want to concentrate my mind on the things I suppose to do.
My final Exam.Wish me luck.
I'll do my best in all my papers.=))

Good luck and All the best for my beloved friends.Chaiyok2!

Monday, October 18, 2010

As the manisfesto has stated well.

Well,let's face this:
No matter how sick I am,the idea of hacking or cracking or anything related to cybercrimes is something that I enjoy more than anything.My guilty pleasure.
Exploring deep inside our underground world,it has been tainted by a documentary called "code 2600" as it's going to be release in 2011.
Someone has change the real official trailer
and make our image looks
as bad as shit retarded dickhead.
It was supposedly a very
great trailer to explain our subculture,
and types of hackers and the history that lies within in

since the thing we called as "computer" is invented,
and the term "hack" is derived since the
Somehow,I just discovered,the trailer has been changed.

It's just a huge disappointment to see it has been replaced by another misleading trailer.Take a look:

Is it really that bad?I'm a bad impact to society?huh?I terrorize the world huh?
I can stalk whoever I want in every way that I wanted.
So does it mean that I should go to jail?
I might have the access to all those H/P/V/A/C
and all those you called as illegal stuffs.

But that doesn't mean that I'm a very bad person.Yea,I might consider myself
neither too good nor bad.
The media had made a lot statements and misconception about a true hacker image.They are making people believing that hacking is worse than mass genocide,worse than any serial killer and murderers including rapist,considered by the law to be scum of the scum,below the level of a pedophiles,below any single entity that humanities criminality that has been done in our world history so far.This is where hacking is seen on most law systems.Believe me,we are being misinterpreted and looked down by most mass media and society.Example.When a hacker is brought before the law for hacking and shutting down a pedophilia site, he is well and truly fucked just for being a hacker, while the pedophile will walk free. Hackers are hated for a number of
reasons, Hear me,I will list a few that seem the most plausible.

1) As a general rule, public servants, especially cops, tend to
be inbred hicks with a level of education to match their IQ.
Hackers tend to have the same level of education, but tend to
be countless times more intelligent.

2) Hackers are the only group of people to have up till now put
all form of racial and sexual discrimination behind them. We are
more united and unbiased then any religion and hippie colony
and any Law System would like people to think.

3) Hackers are just the epitomy of perfection in the human race,
we are what every body else wants to be, free and evolved. Rapists
and murderers are still a part and product of society, society needs
them as much as they need society. Hackers have broken all ties with
society and its biases, its miseducation. Hackers are the new breed
of human, and as through out history, anything seen as near
will be destroyed by the countless uneducated
hordes of humanity.

Referring to this post title,I still believe in our famous manifesto
made by The Mentor,written in 8th January 1986

as it the best way to describe our thoughts and perception
and this is how hackers are alike in some ways.
We are connected to each other,we need each other to survive and explore.
We are united.

Our idiosyncrasy lies within every end each of our people
whereby this manifesto is used represent

a piece of me and every hacker that exist in this world.
This manifesto has been accepted
officially in our own very underground world.
You need to know,we ain't that bad.

We're just special in our own way.Whatever has driven us to get involved with hacking and being labelled as a hacker,we still have something in common in our manifesto and goal.Many of us have different ways of getting started into this world of hacking.It could be a bad experience of being hacked,high level of curiousity about how a system work and simply trying something new with the computer/digital system etc.I present the most famous original manifesto was made by The Mentor,LOD/LOH written on January 8,1986:

The Conscience of a Hacker
aka The Hacker's Manifesto
The Mentor

Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager
Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank
Damn kids. They're all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,
ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what
made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
I am a hacker, enter my world...
Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of
the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...
Damn underachiever. They're all alike.

I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers
explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it,yet it bored
me to listen it again and again.I
"No, Mr/Mr.s X I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..."
Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.

I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this
is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me...
Or feels threatened by me...
Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.

And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board
is found.
"This is it... this is where I belong..."

I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...

You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food
at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let
slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by
sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach
found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch,
the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without
paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering
gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us
criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist
without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you
call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat,
and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're
the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive
me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this
individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

This is my favorite documentary and how it really
inspires me.-> Click here to watch
I'm not a typical teenager and girl.
I rather spent a lot of time in from of the computer
or something that interest me for hours and days.
I rather keep quiet than talking sometimes.I enjoy making discoveries and learning from my own mistakes.
I know how to manipulate people and do social engineering.
I do rebel against authority and bypassing rules & system
that I think is unnecessary.Describe me now.
So,yeah..Duality is me.I'm a duality.=DD


It sounds like I'm thinking Science and Technology
can improve human thinking and behavior..more than God does.
Well,I think Trans humanism is a good idea despite it
has some disadvantage and will bring an existence
to a new subculture,subhuman.
Think about those mind uploading and A.I robots [Androids]
if they really can exist in the future.
I would love to be immortalize in the cyberworld or as a program,
or immortalize someone that I love and care..
I want myself and them to exist forever,even after death..
We can study human behavior and pattern,
how would they react and response..
and somehow,write a program to create their
"virtual self" or compile it to an android,
to make uncanny valley a supported theory.
Just like talking to our own conscience,
or "other" people conscience.
I have that vision in my head,
that mind uploading might be practiced in the future.
It's not that impossible.Just imagine how it can be.=)
I know,I'm a bit obsessed with some techy stuffs theories,
and I can't stop thinking about it..
People might say I'm weird,but it's just the way I am,
No one can change the way how I think.=D

Friday, October 15, 2010

Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility

I'm definitely gonna join that,
Woah,my entity and identity in the cyberworld belongs to
all those h4xor and I have devoted years just to learn those forbidden knowledge.
Here's something to share about my double life:

CPSR empowers computer professionals and computer users to advocate
for the responsible use of information technology and empowers all who
use computer technology to participate in the public debate. As
technical experts, CPSR members provide the public and policymakers
with realistic assessments of the power, promise, and limitations of
computer technology. As an organization of concerned citizens, CPSR
directs public attention to critical choices concerning the
applications of computing and how those choices affect society.

By matching unimpeachable technical information with policy
development savvy, CPSR uses minimum dollars to have maximum impact
and encourages broad public participation in the shaping of technology

According to one of my cookbook,

Every project we undertake is based on five principles:

* We foster and support public discussion of and public
responsibility for decisions involving the use of computers in
systems critical to society.

* We work to dispel popular myths about the infallibility of
technological systems.

* We challenge the assumption that technology alone can solve
political and social problems.

* We critically examine social and technical issues within the
computer profession, nationally and internationally.

* We encourage the use of computer technology to improve the quality
of life.

Isn't that cool?hell praise yeah..
I feel so geekish now and yet,so..happy to know such organization exist
in this world!!CPSR wait for me =DDDD

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Well,A gemini girl is surely a very confusing and confused person.
Maybe because of the things that happen and some truth is out,
forcing her to be such a mess in making decision..
Like it or not,I still have to say..
I missed someone,I missed him.But he doesn't care.
I would not be a debater and even enroll myself to study..
to motivate myself,if not because of him.
Maybe my love for him as faded away,but the history
will remain.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I think..

Yeah2..I think about writing my point of view of life.
So here it is,despite it doesn't have anything related to Duality.
I'm so like,uh..been thinking a lot till I got stressed out and go haywire.

When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?How hard life could be?"

Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.We will always have a choice,whether to be or not to be,whether it is or isn't,simple right?

Without some goal and some effort to reach it, no one can live.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all .

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.