Sunday, April 9, 2017

Trust.



Internal monologue:
The word trust isn't applicable and plausible,
to measure your sincerity.
Here I am.

Wondering among thousand of humans,
Have they felt so low and in a dark place,
for so long, like the way I feel now.
As cryptic and secretive I may sound like,
We wanted a fair play while a correct measurement
to work as a functional human being.
Are you one of a million whom I will feel safe with?




Sunday, February 5, 2017

#3 Atrocity of humans

I wonder,
Too often,
Am I living my life for others
or is this a process of learning how to stand still
even if the ground shakes, breaks you,
into thousands of pieces?
Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life.
The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind
to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words.


Let me tell you a story.
I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid.
The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten
and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social.
So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer
or video games and internet. Some of them thinks
I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool 
and some of them are really, really lost. aha. 
I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler.
Watches the evolution of inventions.
Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age.
But I have trouble with anxiety and socializing because 
I thought to myself that I am an ugly, slow and naive person.
As I grew up, things are very hard for me.
For a little kid.
I find it is excruciating & hard to express emotions.
I keep things to myself.
I fear being hit or scolded physically.
The little girl version of me always ask these complex questions.

1.Why do I have repressed emotions?
2.Why Humans are so scary and abusive?
3.Why people are not cool and nice like my Daddy?
4.Why do people behave like they fear God but they still sins anyway?
5.What is really defined  as "good" and "bad" in this world? 

The fundamentals of what I held onto until today.
As far I searched in the highs and lows,
My questions seems very subjective and complex.
Maybe I was born as a very introverted person
and one day, I shall grow into a person
that I am suppose to be of what I am now.
The answers kept coming to me as I sit down
or lay down alone.
I am always finding ways to express my thoughts
and emotions at the same time.
The constant battle of logic and emotions.At par. 

Well.
Things to learn when people pushed you down to your knees
is to rely on the higher Divine power or whatever entity 
that you believe in are

1. Self-reliance.
2. Courage
3. Confidence
4. Patience
5. Forgiving others and yourself

Humans, 
No matter who they are to you.
Be it your parents, siblings, families, friends,lovers or stranger.
People will always upset and hurt you, break your spirit
and made mistakes. Intentionally or not. 
To forgive others and comfort people, 
is the biggest strength and sincerity we can give,
Small deeds. Your intentions.
It grows and sometimes people realized that 
we are trying to be kind and patient
to a point of breaking down.

The richness of a soul, 
isn't defined by the amount of money in their bank account 
or how "successful" they looked to others. 
but the unseen deeds and good intentions 
towards one another,
The prospective of secrecy and sincerity in doing it.

Just be kind anyways,
It is an act of charity
and integrity
to cleanse our soul
and spread universal goodness.



Thursday, January 26, 2017

#2: Run into you

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts. 
At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me.
Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression.

In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succeeded the job interview and I do have other backup plans if things didn’t went well too. I’m not being a pessimist. I believe that God can change everything into His way. No matter how bad you think your life is, there’s always a SUPERIOR reason and the biggest reason behind everything is HIS LOVE towards you and humans beings are constantly challenged with problems and hardships as a TEST.
Once, I have an ambition to become a preacher, ustazah and a scholar who studies about the Holy Quran and all of its tafsir and lived happily ever after by doing things I am passionate about. I admit. It is a quite a naïve life goals but I realized Life doesn’t work that way. Took me some extreme roads to discover things are much paradoxical and irony. Such as, if we put God above all the things we do, we will constantly learn how imperfect human beings are and the obvious flaws we tend to overlook in our daily life. You can always read the same page over and over again without ever understanding the real meaning. The most important thing of all, how far along do you realized that good deeds and people will benefit your own soul? 

Don’t get me wrong!. This is my inner secret sanctuary. By means, if I were to be remembered by my friends, peers, family and loved one..I want to be immortalized as the person who is writing to you through the ages we met or known each other. I’m a restless childlike soul who is constantly learning, observing and trying to teach myself about Life as a test, not an achievement to impress others, even my family. If you fear Death, you will feel motivated to be good and change every negativity into positive things. You will seek peace instead of finding faults. You will do anything to be comfortable and soothing to others. You will shelter others in pain or hold a place for them,even though they might leave you empty handed and broken-hearted once they feel better about themselves. You know how it feels to have somebody to comfort you when you are in dire need to have a shoulder to cry on. When you see someone who was in your shoe and if the shoe fits, you gave your best shot to help them. You understand the risk and gave your own heart as their shield and a place for them to stay. You tend to keep them safe and close, through miles and distance apart or you endure everything to make them happy. You let people treat you like a doormat and literally forgive them because Lillahi Ta'alla. You don't hold vengeance because it tires the hell out of you.


I wonder how life would be for me in 5 or 10 year time.
Alive or not. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I took the road of understanding empathy and serve HIM in my own ways. It means, I am always trying to shelter others in need and constantly reminding myself not to give up during the hard times or when literally nobody is there to hold me. True. I am constantly been missing my friends and the great quality time we had spent together just to make each other smile, laugh or be loud together. I never been this lonely and socially deprived from my peers and like-minded people since after high school, university and college. I'm trying to adapt and hold on because one day, I will see these lovable people again. Years, months, or even in death. I'm going to pour out my feelings for you. I miss you. I miss being the person around you. Each of you who has ever gave me a nice comforting hug or a text saying, "Hey, I'm here now. Don't worry".       
I'll never forget the moment where my tears turned into laughter and sincere smile was given.

The feeling of wanting to...
run into you
and latching my soul onto yours.

Friday, January 6, 2017

A memoir towards 2017!

{*sound of keyboard typing* At 5 am.}

Composing more articles to write and studying on how to pass an editor's test. I think I am more comfortable working on odd hours since my recurring fever subsided and my back stop hurting. Oh,in the meantime, working on a application where I can collaborate and publish my work or ideas to a few websites. I need a proper platform to start on my own personal brand and portfolio of my articles, fiction, poem and Lifehack pro tips and tutorials.
I had plans to start collaborating with my friends on their Youtube channel this year or just help them in setting up anything. I will have to work around to find time and opportunity to brainstorm ideas with them. It could be a vlog, promoting your hobbies or products or broadcasting your hobbies, causes and ideas.
But hey,
let's arrange things bit by bit?
I wrote a book last year but the whole process didn't went well. I lost all of my draft backup copies and due to my health issues. I decided to stop writing because I ran out of ideas and materials to rewrite a draft.. I will start things afresh and find a proper method to recompile my pieces of draft, ideas and research that I collected for my book.
Frankly, 2016 was a very terrible year for me.The last three month I barely survived without crying or feeling trapped into a deep level of depression and gone into a mental breakdown. 2017 seems like many business opportunity coming in and helps me grow to forget about the pain and struggles am I into right now. I have not been responding to many inbox messages, pm's, whatsapp or even wishing you guys a Happy New Year 2017.

I'm watching all of you that have potentials, either cosplayers, creative outlets, business-minded people and those who wish to expand their outlet or just expressing talents.

Cheers.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Theism part 1

[As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.Hopefully I can further my studies by next year despite a major setback in Life this year. Oh! If you ask me whether do I want to further my study to the highest level or not, I'd say "Yes". Perhaps to be called as Professor Dr. Madya Nuur Munira Jasmin Binti Jamil one day USED to be one of my biggest life dreams.]

Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it because in the end of the day, no matter how rich, intelligent, well-respected or famous you are, the size of your grave will always the same as others.So be humble. You can only take 3 things into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being.It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button. 

I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams.
There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family.
They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want in life.
A failure.
A demented whore with mental illness.
A slut
A directionless bitch.
A fucked up person with low self esteem.

Those are the words I heard. Endlessly.I suffered in silence all these years,

All along after my dad's passing, my life has been a complete rock mountain to climb on and yet people said that I am such a pussy for living in depression every now and then. The stormy days and tears that I cried whenever I got hit and abused was countless. Yet.I still hold on to this Life because I had faith even if it's almost completely tarnished or used up. Optimism needs to be filled like a tank of water.I struggle to fill in mine everyday. I am a fighter. Perhaps a survivor too.I will take my own pace and time,no matter how time I failed. I disagree on living my life up the standards of others 

I told God, "If you really want to set my life difficulty level to mild hardcore, please give me the 0.03%  amount of being genuinely happy like during YOU lend my dad to me. The last 19 years of my life I was a happy person before You called him back HOME to you.So,I figured it out. You MUST had created a bigger and higher purpose for me. Let me be the person I supposed to be and create warmth to those around me. I rather be go Home after I did my best to serve You and make a difference in this temporary world. I need strength like how you had bestowed upon to Your Messenger. If they can endure this life till their last breath, so can I. ."

Sometimes, I think  God  is being Sadistic to the person that He wants.

Forgive me for stating my opinions.It does sound very offensive. I know.

It's just God wants you to ask for His help when you're really down in life because He misses your Prayers and have an honest confession with Him. An Intimate sincere moment with Him,to Him and Only Him.


But, 
at the same time...

You needed to be granted with Patience. You can only ask it from Him.
or..
Just let being left astray if you're done believing in Him. .

If people confessed to me that they are a self proclaimed "Atheist", "Freethinkeror a "humanist", I have no problem with it at all. I'm not someone who forced people to believe in what I believe or do as I said. We have to accept people for who they are inside, not from the appearance or material they posses. To me, we set our minds to our own beliefs. Religion is a very personal matter and always have its own core to educate or brainwash human by in providing virtues, ethics and guides to be a better person. I'll be cool too if people said there's no God or whatever they want to believe because, (believe me) choosing to believe in existence of Hell & Heaven and higher dimension is completely independent and a free will decision.We cannot simply condemn others for their difference and wrong-doing because people grow out of pain and learn from mistakes. A good religion never discriminates others who has lesser knowledge or who is lacking in rationality and doubts. Truth be told,we cannot propagate others to our own personal path and spiritual state. A sincere heart will influence people to do good and be good but it is always up to the effort of an individual himself/herself.
Yes?No?Agree?


"Positivism is something that needs to be channeled,in a non-tangible way".

People need to know about the real deal of having negativity vibes is due to their inability to see light at the end of the tunnel. They needed support and group of people encouraging their good vibes instead of being wrongly misjudge and partook in the process of judging how an individual is living their life. The world is indeed filled with people with bad and corrupt behavior. People who thinks depression will only happen to weak people. People who thinks that their life is so great compare to others.People who thinks their worldly achievement will grant eternal happiness 

Yes.We are surrounded by these hybrids of evil and self-delusional soul .




"Toxic humans pretended to look like a Saint, talks like a Prophet and dispose others like God"- original quote from me..






Sunday, October 2, 2016

Wishful thinking part 2

Honestly people.

[This post is quite a detailed extension to the last few post in this blog. It literally took away most of my mental energy and time as I composed it. If it sounds too disturbing or mentally upsetting, do please refrain yourself from reading it thoroughly.I bid a million thanks in advance]

Since the last 5 months ago, I have been struggling with Life itself. I thought when end-of-service working with the bank is over, it will release me from agony and misery because I received offer to further my study and work in electronic industry at Melaka for July intake but all my plan & things turned out to be so horribly wrong and went stalling. My worst nightmare has begun at the dawn of Ramadhan month this year. I never knew that I would be relapsing to the state where I started to hallucinate, talked, jerked around and even cried for help in my sleep. I felt like as if part of myself has been ripped out by the thoughts of pain and having low-self-esteem. All the excessive morbid thoughts began to linger and made me believe how incapable of a person I am.

Here are the list of major things that really upsets me in life right now:
  •         Family drama and rules
  •         Financial crisis and debts
  •         Studies and careers
  •         Mental and health issues


1. Family drama and rules: THE ENDLESS BLAME GAME

I never thought I would be in a situation whereby my family would blame every single hardship and use my past against me. They would keep pestering me about things that will certainly ticks me off and assume me to act neutral about it. Trying as hard as I can to act strong each time I got physically beaten or shouted like a mentally-ill person. I normally evade any personal or physical attack. I hold my breath and try to smile each time this situation rises up,calmly.  The moment I woke up every morning, I had to resume my responsibilities and duties take care of the household, cooking, washing and expected not to fail or abandoned anything else after that. Don’t you see how tiring it sounds like to go on like this every day while trying to earn money at the same time? Yet one out of many days or weekend whereby I failed to do so due to my health, the blame game starts. All the cursing, shouting and taunting like a crackhouse on fire. To be brutally honest, I can’t please everybody up to their standards just because I did my best to fit in and help while staying sane & polite most of the goddamn time. Yeah,I did blame myself sometimes but I didn’t want to be bias, there are a certain times when my family wants to incorporate the idea of perfectionism, having high morals & standards and half of the time I wanted to live as an invisible slave” that wanted to die while performing task or solving issues.  They will start to blame me for being rebellious, grouchy and lazy and I will blame them for not being profoundly flexible to changes and evolutions. I’m too tired to go on with arguing and fighting. Hence, I kept quiet to any unpleasant situation and remark. Just had to isolate myself from people and including my friends too, in real life. I had been upset, enraged and just couldn't care anymore about people. I rather be alone than unhappy

2. Highly pressured on financial and debts crisis.

There hasn’t been a lime light out of anywhere that would allow me to bring myself near to a state of tranquility and peace regarding this matter. With all the setback that has been going in my life for the last couple of years. I am still fighting to live and breathe for “all-the-better-tomorrows-In-my life” phase because of debts, no matter how tempted am I to attempt a painless suicide or deeply triggered when I relapsed into a deep depression state. I set my mind into something that I would probably can accomplished. I was eager to work as a gaming journalist/columnist and still resuming my post as a freelance content writer. I tried tracking down all my gaming article and series that I wrote to apply a spot in a gaming site. Unfortunately, all of them are nowhere to be found. The backup and copies are lost in my stolen laptops. The website and blogs that had employed me has been closed down or deleted.  It was a very disheartening and demotivating as I am struggling to find more writing jobs these few week. I needed more financial support due to where I am in life right now. Debts rounding to almost 40K MYR with the constant fear of being blacklisted by banks and Immigration department. I haven’t touch about the daily expenses incur and bills yet.  I really wanted to further my studies or intern somewhere far from Malaysia when the time comes. Sadly, with all the debts being held on my own name now, It consisted of my previous study loans and with all my father’s inheritance was lost when I handed over some fairly large amount of money to my mother because I didn’t expect things to go ironically wrong or sunk into a state of despair like this moment.  She said the money was lost due to her own greed to invest and trust her partner blindly. She kept telling how stressful life without having enough money and how it is essential not to fuck up with amount of money especially when it comes to business/investments. It’s cancerous to the point where I cannot bring the idea of taking her out to watch movies together or talk about entertainment.

3. Next move on pursuing studies and career stability.

If I didn’t had a certain high amount of fear, respect and morality, I would just engulf myself to be consumed by the idea of instant arranged/blind marriage or long term partnership to a wealthy men or anyone that has sufficient money to sponsor me anything through this financially-stress moment, especially revolving the idea of a “low life lady” such as having a sugar daddy or being a mistress to a high profile man and sometimes committing high profile crime itself because these ridiculous ideas were playing in my head like a song on repeat. I kept asking myself, “Is this all worth it? Ruining my own integrity and put a low value on myself like a first class doormat?” Well, the answer lies back to what I believe in life. I fairly agreed to have a hard earned money instead of choosing to sell my body and soul for temporary possession and worldly material. I do not want to surrender myself for power, wealth and status in this Duniya and suffer in my Afterlife. No matter how far I have sinned or corrupt my soul, I will always bow down, kneel before and fear God. I solemnly this Life is meant to be a challenge, if you wanted to be part of the paradise people or the highest heaven “Jannatul Firdaus” in the next Afterlife.

4. The painful struggles on mental and health Issues.

As stated in the older post, I had been struggling and tempted doing suicide attempts (hoping it would be as painless as possible and with 100% rate of success) and prone to self-harm/injuries .I even let people to beat me up or made me feel like a worthless pile of garbage, just to see how far people would torment me. As far as I know, some people are born way too sadistic or just enjoy bullying. They fed on fear and crushing down a person by brainwashing others that they are not good enough. Once people know how deeply wounded I am inside, the sooner they took measurement to test my wits and rationality for their own benefits. There are days I had a very good appetite to eat, but most of my days are barely eating or completely throw away the food I’ve seen. I am suffering from chronic gastric attack and it goes on and off in cycles. My time eating schedule was fucked. Same goes to my sleeping pattern because of terror panic attacks at late nights as I struggle to convince myself that the hallucinations aren’t real. They are just messing around in my head and made me feel suicidal. It happened every night, even if I’m on meds.  On extreme cases, I even myself mentally stress at a mamak café and went rough running to toilet to vomit and calm myself. Year by year, month by month, my struggle on these attack seems to come and go in a very ferocious cycle. I beg my life to end quickly because I feel lesser of Life as depression seems to sink in even deeper. I was crying to no ends. It got worse every time I think of my dad’s passing and no one was there to comfort me like he did. I was in grievous stage and it prolonged as mental state. I also blamed myself for no longer been capable to have a long term relationship with anyone after being together with my depressive ex for 3 years. I did find a lot of comfort and trust in him. I had loved him beyond my limits and decided to call it a quit. I had to leave because he wouldn’t grow into a fully-functioning person as long as I’m still around as his doll/toy/slave etc. I wouldn’t want my children to see me getting beaten up by their father if I get married to him. Due to being exposed many toxic and abusive people in my life, I become someone who is scared to trust or talk about my mental issues, the recurring flashbacks and relapsing into my illness.


"Yes, my dear people. I'm still struggling and surviving my best  in day to day basis. Wondering if this phase would somehow end soon because I feel alone,abandoned and forgotten? Or will I just take my own life instead despite it is ethically wrong because I feel that my positive outlook in life is leaving me? Till then. ciao. I love you all". 




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